I can't stop thinking about Kamdyn. I can't believe its been 2 months. I have been crying daily. It's as hard now as the week I lost him... Maybe harder. I don't have health insurance so I can't afford going to a grief counselor. My sister is now 9 weeks pregnant. Her brother in law will be having a baby in the next week or so. Day's brother is having a baby next month. And I am just baby-less. And it's awful. It sucks so bad. I was supposed to have him in may. I miss his kicks. Right about now I would be having a baby shower.
I was hoping I'd get pregnant this month... But I don't think I am. My AF is due on the 15th. I think. Hard to say when I've only had one period since I gave stillbirth. And I am scared for my next pregnancy. What if my next baby has a heart defect? I wish the chances weren't so much higher than everyone else's. 10% is what I think my doctor said. It was genetic or chromosomal or anything. Which is good. I just needed to write. I thought it'd help... I don't know if it has. I wanna bawl, stay in bed, and idk.
I got a BFP today. I am sooo nervous. I had bloodwork done today and then again thursday to check HCG levels. I just hope everything will be ok this time.