I can't stop thinking about Kamdyn. I can't believe its been 2 months. I have been crying daily. It's as hard now as the week I lost him... Maybe harder. I don't have health insurance so I can't afford going to a grief counselor. My sister is now 9 weeks pregnant. Her brother in law will be having a baby in the next week or so. Day's brother is having a baby next month. And I am just baby-less. And it's awful. It sucks so bad. I was supposed to have him in may. I miss his kicks. Right about now I would be having a baby shower.
I was hoping I'd get pregnant this month... But I don't think I am. My AF is due on the 15th. I think. Hard to say when I've only had one period since I gave stillbirth. And I am scared for my next pregnancy. What if my next baby has a heart defect? I wish the chances weren't so much higher than everyone else's. 10% is what I think my doctor said. It was genetic or chromosomal or anything. Which is good. I just needed to write. I thought it'd help... I don't know if it has. I wanna bawl, stay in bed, and idk.
I got a BFP today. I am sooo nervous. I had bloodwork done today and then again thursday to check HCG levels. I just hope everything will be ok this time.
I'm so sorry. The shock has wore off, when something like this happens our brains go into a "protective mode" for 4-6 wks. Reality setting in is very hard to deal with. If you belong to a church ask them if they have any grief groups or if they could help you get counseling. It's going to be hard being around people who are pregnant for awhile. I still have a hard time seeing women who are due around April or June. Don't put pressure on yourself to be around them if you can't handle it, they will understand.
Pregnancy after loss is very different. You're going to want to get past that "uh oh" point so quickly and it's ok to be scared about it. I was terrified when i had my youngest because i'd already had Zach (stillbirth) at 33 wks, then my oldest *J* was pre-term at 31 wks.
You could always go to a genetics Dr for a consult and see what they think. They are very helpful.
Writing is great. I used to write all the time and stopped for awhile but i've been journaling the last 10 yrs and it helps when i go back and read things from yrs ago.
Do what you need to do for you. Just make sure you are getting fluid and trying to eat.
I was surprised after my loss at the emptiness and the time when I was alone was horrible. I was told that it was better to wait after a loss to get your mental state back to normal. I don't know if that is good advice or not. I didn't feel like I got past the emptiness until I got pregnant again. I didn't feel attached to the pregnancy until after I past the 12 week ultrasound which is when I found out about my loss.
Although this isn't the same as a loss like yours, I am also scared about my next pregnancy. My water broke at 33 weeks and the risk of it happening again is around 25%. The risk is for before 37 weeks and I'm ok with the idea of 33 weeks or later but I'm scared about it being earlier.
I wish I could tell you that the pain of it will go away I am about 4 months away from the 4 year anniversary of my daughter's stillbirth,and I don't cry everyday anymore, but many times a week still. It's okay to mourn, and you are still learning your "new normal". I had had multiple m/cs before my DD, and surprisingly when I was pregnant the next time, I was surprisingly relaxed (the weekly u/s wks 5 to 9 probably helped). Having good support in your medical team really helps! And the support here doesn't hurt either.
*eta: sig out.
Last edited by Sapphire Sunsets; 04-16-2013 at 11:56 AM.