My jumbled thoughts (child ment)

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Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023
My jumbled thoughts (child ment)

Man, I don't think I realized a miscarriage would hurt so bad. Obviously I knew it would hurt and be sad, but this is awful. I don't want to fall asleep crying anymore. I want to be able to talk about it, but would rather ppl not ask, but it just makes me cry more. I am trying to not be an emotional wreck for the sake of my kids, but its hard. I've been imagining since we found out how they each would do with a new sibling, the ups and downs of it all, and all that is now on hold. I'm finding some comfort in knowing there was never a baby. I think it would hurt more to know the baby had died, but that it never got to be a fetus, is of some comfort to me. I feel blessed that we got pregnant quickly this time, and hope that we can again. But putting off adding a third child for a little while has its advantages. We need to get a minivan so we can fit 3 carseats, so more time to save up for that is good. We also need to finish a room in our basement, since our two kids are already sharing, and we have the other room. In spite of the good reasons for this, it still hurts, and the first day was not hard at all, since then though, wow, I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions in check, and since my body still thinks its pregnant I am dealing with exhaustion, nausea, extreme hunger, and those dang pregnancy emotions. This really sucks. I'm basically just sitting around waiting for the doc's office to call so we can have a plan of action. I'm so worried about getting a d&c. I know it can cause scarring, and that worries me. My last pregnancy I had placenta previa, and hemorraged every 2 wks from 30wks on. Thankfully my son arrived safely at 36 wks via c/s, but it was so scary. Because I had a previous previa my risk goes up of it happening again (low, but still), add more scarring, and I believe the risk is increased even more. I know there is some pill you can take, but for many it doesn't work, and in some ways I would like to wait for it to happen naturally, but that could take a long time, and I am really resenting each time I have any pregnancy symptom. My house is a wreck, I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, eating, or anything. I can cruise the net a bit, and watch mindless television, but don't want to do much more. I just want to get to the feeling numb part. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. I think it does help to talk/write it out. I'm going to save this as a journal for some time later.

shellyhudson's picture
Last seen: 6 years 7 months ago
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Honey, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the feelings of grief and despair. Eventually we will learn to cope during the day without a complete breakdown. I am barely able to function on some days and others are better. It will be one month exactly in seven days that my ~Damien~ was born sleeping. It weighs heavy on my heart every day. You are entitled to each and every feeling that you are experiencing and they are no less valid than anyone else's.

I especially relate to the idea of how much it helps just to write it down. I feel better talking about my son, but many feel uncomfortable to do so. I have a few other boards besides this one that I visit regularly. It has been a trememdous help. I hope that you find peace in your soul.

I will tell you that the biggest factor in my healing is my daughter at home with me. I hope that you can find joy in the children that are able to look you in the eye and say I love you mommy. If you need someone to talk to "one on one" feel free to pm me any time.