My loss at 16 weeks(updated page 2 or 3) long

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Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 5
My loss at 16 weeks(updated page 2 or 3) long

So I Went to my 16 week appt and I had asked my dr to check me for Bacteria Vaginosis, as she was checking me she said OMG you are 3cm dilated I need to send you to L&D for observation..I went they did an u/s she said my membranes were trying to push out and very close to the cervix. SO she wanted me to lay in a certain posistion(legs up head down) to see if it would slide back(baby was fine) layed there for awhile and as soon as I got up to pee my water broke. Dr came in an said that unfortonately there was nothing else they could do to save the pregnancy, she was gonna go in and give me a cerclage if the membranes did'nt slide back in but they ruptured before that could be done. SO now my option is to either induce labor, or have a D&E. Both are equally hard as with delivery I can acutally get to see the baby and with D&E they insert laminara sticks in you wait a day to dialate and then you come back get put to sleep and they remove the fetus but you want be able to see it because it won't be intact.

I am so devatestaed right now because either decision is hard. I have to go to the dr in a few and get the laminara if I choose that option. I don't think I can handle going thru Labor and delivery because after suffering 4 losses, and then to go through the whole process of birth and still coming out with nothing is uncomprehensible, but then if I do the D&E I feel like I am just killing the baby because it is still alive but it will be a quicker procedure and I just don't know\...

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:bighug: What an inconceivable decision to have to make Sad I am so sorry..there are just no words.. Sad

You have to do what is right for you....As a mom, you will know...Go with your gut on this one...

I can only tell you what I *think* I would do...I would deliver my baby and hold, cuddle, kiss, him or her...I would cry..I would take pictures and name him/her...I would then put my baby to rest..

For myself, as unimaginably hard as this would be...I know I would regret any other decision..

Regardless of what you decide...We are here for you!! Know this ...:bighug:

Marie

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I am so very sorry. No one should have to make these choices. It's bad enough having to loose a child, but to have to make a decition on how to go through the process is just too hard. It sounds like your concentrating on the facts right now and not really grieving yet. That stage is terrible. It's like looking down at the greif that is to come, knowing that once the decition is made, you wont have that to occupy your mind. There is no right way to do this. Follow your gut. If you can, do whatever is easiest for you. I know that this might make me seem calous, but I don't think I'd want to see the baby if it were me. It was bad enough loosing my baby in the first tri-mester and seeing that. Again, I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

oh hon. I am so very sorry. How horrible. I agree with Marie in that you need to do what is best for you. And I, like Marie, would want to see my angel and be able to grieve. But only you know what is best for you. Hugs and prayers.

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other ladies, you have to do what is right for you, but I think I would want to see my angel. I am so so sorry. Please, know my thoughts are with you. I can't even imagine how you must feel. All the hugs I can possibly send are coming your way.

~Amy

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sending you the biggest hugs I can wrap my arms around. I am so sorry for your loss; it sounds so very, very painful. I wish I could be there with you right now.

I agree with the above posters on doing what feels right for you -- this is a very personal decision. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should do -- like Marie said, please go with your gut instinct.

All of my losses were early m/c's, so I don't know what it would be like to deliver an angel baby whom I could see and hold. For me each time, there was no little one to hold, to kiss, and to 'let go'. I have no photos to remember my little ones by. I think that's one reason why early m/c's are very hard -- there's nobody to say 'see you in heaven' to. DH and I named each of our angels (unisex names) and have planted trees in their honour, but there was no formal ceremony, which made it all really tough. It's too easy for society to dismiss our losses because of that, which made our grief all the harder.

I mention all of this to compassionately offer a comparison. It is my understanding that -- for later loss -- it helps the parents to move through their grief quicker if they choose to hold, kiss, name, take pictures of, and lay their little one to rest. It's totally up to you, but I've just heard -- again and again -- that this actually makes it easier in the long run. And I believe it because I know what it's like to have to experience the opposite.

Please know that I mention this all with love and respect for your decision. It's just some 'food for thought'. You're securely tucked into my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Nicole

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I can only tell you what my decision would be adn that would be to deliver my child. If you decide to go that route, I highly recommend having photos taken. If you can, try to get ahold of nowIlaymedowntosleep.com

What you are going through is the worst conceivable thing a parent can go through and I wish that I could say something that would help. You have to do what is best for you in this situation and I wish you peace.

Shelly

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today.

~Amy

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So sorry to hear about your loss, I had a loss at 16 weeks as well, back in April. I chose to m/c naturally, but when that didn't happen I went in for a D&C after experiencing horrible, horrible contractions. It was a nightmare and the whole time I thought I wanted to see the baby, and that I could handle it. It was freaking me out though, everytime I thought I might be miscarrying, the whole process was pure mental torture.

I went with the D&C just to finally get it over with and never saw the baby. I don't know which is better, for me, I just had to get it over with. I don't regret it, I don't know, I'm still kind of numb over it all...

Just do what YOU feel is right for you, that's all that matters.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for your loss.

Joined: 02/14/03
Posts: 4

I am so sorry to hear about your little one. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you make this difficult decision and go through these tough days.
I do agree with the other ladies in that you need to make the decision that is best for you and your family. But I thought I would share my experiences with you.
I have had several miscarriages and been in a situation similar to yours. My Amanda Faith was very sick and became an angel at 20 weeks. Our decision (and it was a very tough one) was the D & E. 5 years later I don't regret the decision at all. I knew that while she was in my womb she was safe and sound and "perfect." I wanted to remember the ultrasound pictures where she looked so peaceful.
Many of the ladies here have delivered their angels and had some beautiful pictures taken and shared some wonderful times with their little ones. For me, I kept all of her ultrasound pictures and some other little things and that is what I remember her by.
Take care of yourself and remember that you have many people here who will support you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Basically the same thing happened to me. I had to have an emergency d and c because my uterus became infected. I almost died. As a result of the infection now both tube are blocked with scar tissue and I cannot have a baby without IVF. Your baby is in Heaven (I hope it is ok to say that) so please, please take care of you now.

~hugging you tight~
you can email me at [email]lisanne0426@yahoo.com[/email] if you ever want to vent/talk.
Lisa

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. I am not sure what your decision was for you and your baby. I miscarried my daughter at 16 weeks due to an incometent cervix as well. I found out the same way you did. I felt fine and went in for a u/s when the doctor told me that I was 3cm dialated. I laid in bed at the hospital, flat on my back, head downward for 5 days before my water broke. I delivered her and it was although sad I don't regret it an any way. I hope whatever decision you made was the best for you.

If you ever want to talk just email me.
My lost was June 18, 2007.
I will be thinking about you.

Robin

Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 5

Hi everyone,

thank you so much for the support and love I really need this. As i type this story I cry because the pain is so strong that I sometimes think that I may not be able to get thru this. Well I struggled all night Monday(6/23) on whether to have a D&E or induced delivery. I decided to have a D&E because I felt that going thru a delivery would be to much for me. I have had 4 losses and to go thru delivery and still not come home with a baby is just unbearable. I went into the office to get the laminara sticks inserted. The dr came in and said well I really don't think it is a wise choice to go thru with a D&E because my water had broken over 24 hours ago and then to wait two additional days would be too high of a risk of infection. He said the best thing to do would be induced delivery to empty out my uterus quicker. I took this as divine intervention because I really didn't want a d&e I mean I didn't want any of this period!!!

Anyway they told me to go and eat lunch and come back in two hours and a room in the hospital would be available then.

So we come back and I was put on the gyn floor. The chaplain comes in to talk to me because I requested him. He comes in and ask me do I want to be transferred down to the labor and delivery floor. He said on that floor I can get more one on one care from those nurses because they deal with this type of situation all the time. He said with staying on that floor, I can have more time with the baby and I get momentos as well. They just asked if I wanted to be there because there will be women there giving birth. I said ok I would rather the one on one attention.

So I transfer to L&D floor and the dr that was on call was the dr that saw me when my water broke on Monday and she was sooo sympathetic. So me and my S/O are just chillin in the room and the dr comes in and tells me she will be inserting some medicine in about an hour so that we can get the contractions started. She told me that I would only need to be about 4 or 5 cm dialted to deliver because the baby is so small. SO she came in and inserted the pills and I knew then that this was real and about to happen. The contractions took about 2 1/2 hours to start up and they were strong and painful. I was in labor for 2 1/2 hours and I pushed for about 15 minutes and the baby came. As soon as the baby came out I just bust out into uncontrollable tears because I knew that it was the end. The dr said it was a little boy and I cryed even harder. That is what he and I both wanted. She cleaned him up and she asked if I was ready to hold him. She brought my sone over to me and he was so tiny, but he was perfect. Again I cry as I type this. He looked so peaceful and he came out with his left hand crossed over his chest as if he was saying OMG what is going on, I am not ready to come out. I looked at him and I couldn't start crying and I kept saying look at my son, look at my son.

The nurse took him and took pictures of him and she made a mold of his little feet. She also took his hand and feet prints. She could only get his right hand because his left side was badly bruised. He stayed in the room all night with us. Around 7 am that morning, I tol the nurse she could take him. My S/O could bare to hold him anymore, so I just looked at him once more and touched him and he was so cold I felt like I wanted to wrap him up in another blanket. Anyway I gave him a kiss and I told him I love him and the nurse took him away. He will be cremated but we have to wait like 3 months for the ashes but thats due to the crematory not the hospital. There is no guarantee that there will be any ashes because he was so tiny.

I named my son McKinley Audrey Forte. McKinley after my S/O's uncle who raised him and Audrey after my dad who passed away.

I think this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru. The pain is so strong. I kept the blanket that he was wrapped up in and I sleep with it everynight. It gives me some comfort. I miss my baby so much and I went thru labor and deliver and still I have no child. I mean this really feels like I cna't make it. I have to put all my faith in God and my faith is so weary right now because I prayed to God every nite not to take my baby from me but he did anyway. Now I have been home, my breast have become engorged and its just a constant reminder that it is for my son. I just hope I can make it thru this.

I am sorry my story is so long and if you have read it all..Thanks...Pray for me....this pain just hurts so much. I cry at least twice a day. I can't sleep at nite. I have to take pain meds just to go to sleep and tomorrow I have to face everyone at work saying how sorry they are and all that. My S/O grieves differently but I have not seen him shed a tear or anything, pluse we were already going thru a turbulent relationship and I new if I had a son it would change him and probably the relationship. So now that MckInley is gone, it feels like maybe my relationship maybe gone as well. (he has two daughters already, I have no kids)anyway...there is my long vent.....

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

Your story is heartbreaking....I am just so terribly sorry... I can't put all of what I want to say into the right words..

I will touch on God, only because you brought Him up...Although my sons/daughters are not in this world with dh and I..they are *home*..I know I will see them one day for an eternity...not just this life time..I hold onto that truth...It is what keeps me going...What keeps me from being taken over by darkness.

I know birthing your son is not what you wanted...That said, I am hoping that the pictures, foot prints..finding out that you have a son...naming him..will give you closure..And that you will find peace/comfort in having something to remember your son by.

Right now you probably feel as if you will never find your way out of this terribly dark place that you are in...That the pain is more then you can bear....Keep posting..Know that we are all here holding on to you..We won't let go...

One second at a time.. :bighug:

Marie

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Oh Nikki, my heart just hurts for you. I am glad that you got to meet your beautiful son McKinley. Like Marie, I hope that seeing him, having his blanket, and his footprints will all bring you comfort and healing in time. If you ever need to vent, talk, cry, please pm me. Hugs and prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Oh sweetheart, I read your every word (and it wasn't too long). Oh wow, I am so very sorry for your pain right now -- I wish I could take it all away from you.

Keep writing here. You know we care about you -- we might be sitting in front of our computer screens, but we are real, live, 'in the flesh'. We all care about you, for real.

I totally respect your courage and honesty. Cry, vent, carry on when you want to -- it's normal, and necessary. This is absolutely horrendous grief, and if we don't let it out, it "eats us up". So please let it out whenever you need to, and we'll always be here for you.

My condolences to your DH too. Men do grieve differently. Maybe this will help you know that you're not alone: this web page explains why men grieve differently than we do -- http://www.grieflink.asn.au/men.html I know I was confused (and angry) at my DH at first because he wasn't crying, etc. But when I showed him this information (this web page), he acknowledged that it made sense to him, that he could 'relate'. And our communication then opened up again. Knowledge is power.

So please try to not add to your sadness by worrying about your relationship. So often on this board, our loss ends up bringing husband and wife even closer together. Try to be gentle on yourself, and on him. He's grieving too. If you can understand that he really is, you might feel better.

Please take it easy, and let us know how you're doing.

Lots of love,
Nicole

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly"
-- Unknown

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am so heartbroken for you. My thoughts are with you right now.

Joined: 12/01/05
Posts: 1000

What a beautiful and heart-breaking story. I am so sorry you had to go through it.

SparkIris's picture
Joined: 12/22/06
Posts: 35

My heart is breaking for you..........

I know it isn't what you wanted, but I think one day you'll be relieved that you were not able to have the D&E. I gave birth to my angel at home and could not bear to look at him (I dont know it was a boy, but have a feeling). I saw a glimpse of his head when he started coming out, but that's all. I now wish I had been courageous enough to look at him and to hold him. My husband held him, but not me and now I long to go back and have a just few minutes with my first little baby. Those memories and momentos will serve to comfort you....just as the blanket already has.

Please know that so many are here praying for you and wishing you peace and comfort.

:bighug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry for your loss.