07/13/07 This morning since I've been feeling a bit sick I thought "what the heck, I'll do a test". Guess what!!! BFP!!! I can hardly believe my eyes. It is a definite positive result with a very strong second line!! I am going to go and have my blood test, hopefully Monday, and I'll probaby do the other two home tests that I have left!! But for right now I can only believe what I see and thank the Lord that we are finally pregnant!!! After nearly 3 years of trying, 1 failed IUI, and giving up IVF 12 months ago after being told it would not work for us, I am in shock!!!
08/16/07 This little baby didn't make it down from Heaven (not that I believe in Heaven anymore). I started spotting a few days ago and went in to have an u/s. Turns out it was a blighted ovum. I guess this little baby was never really meant to be with us. I have gone over and over it all in my head, and come up with the usual... "I'm glad I finally conceived and had just a moment of joy... I now know that it is possible... better now than later... better that my angel baby stay with God than live here on earth with what probably would have developed into any number of chromosomal disabilities... etc. etc". I guess that sounds pretty horrible, but I work in the disabilities field. A long time ago I thought that if I were ever to have a child with a disability I would love him/her no matter what - and I would - but I have seen first hand through my work the impact this has not only on the individual with a disability but also on the whole family. The thing that has really rocked me is my belief system. I don't know what that is anymore. I so strongly believe/d in the power of positive thought and when I finally conceived I thought that this was a big help in getting me there. I spent time every single day during my very short lived pregnancy, focusing, visualising, meditating and sending love to our little angel. But it didn't work. Maybe there really is nothing else. Just us, here on earth, doing the best we can, and then it's over. I just really don't know anymore. My family is staying strong and supporting each other, the love I have found in my little family and circle of friends is a bit special and helping me a lot.
08/30/07 That was two weeks ago, and I decided to let things happen naturally. I guess a small part of me hoped that by some miracle the heartbeat would somehow start up and the Dr was wrong with this diagnosis. Silly I know!! Anyway I have been spotting and bleeding now for the 2 weeks and losing only a small amount of clots. I am going in tomorrow for my D&C. I thought that I was starting to "get over it all" and move on - but the fact that I am going into hospital tomorrow has brought up a lot of feelings again and I am depressed, sad and scared. I had a miscarriage about 15 years ago (I am now 42 and have since had 1 child now 11 y.o), in which I went in for a D&C, back then this was standard procedure, so I do know what to expect, but going under anaesthetic really scares me a lot, I always come out of it coughing and vomiting!!! Not to mention the fact that now it is really and truly over I am sorry for all your losses and can only pray that we will all meet up with our babies in heaven one day.
Last edited by angelwings65; 08-29-2007 at 10:54 PM.
I do know what you mean. Going into the hospital for a "procedure" makes it all so much more real. I work in the hospital I had the D/C in and I cringe every day going in the doors to work. It brings back the feelings.
I too was scare of the anasthesia but I found it a little better when I woke up alert and was able to go home in about 2 hrs. I hope that you will find it the same.
Don't blame yourself for hoping for the hb. I would have done the exact same thing. Sometimes all we can do is hope. I hope you will have a gentle recovery. Be kind to yourself and don't give up.