I haven't shared my full story here, so i would like to now.
My first pregnancy was unplanned. I had no TTC issues and fell pregnant after one “slip up”. My pregnancy was easy, uncomplicated. My daughter even arrived almost spot on her due date as healthy as can be in August 2006.
After 10 years together we married last summer and decided to TTC straight away for number two. Blissfully ignorant and just assuming all would be “easy” again.
I fell pregnant again on the first cycle. My due date was June 19th 2009. We were really excited. I was about 6 weeks when we told our families. We bought my daughter the “Big Sister” T-shirt and told our families that way. Everyone was over the moon about our “honeymoon baby”. That evening i went to the toilet and noticed i was bleeding. I couldn’t believe it. It took a few days of HCG bouncing about for them to confirm that i had miscarried. We were devastated. This wasn’t suppose to happen to us.
We decided to TTC a couple of months later and conceived around New Year 2009. It only took us one cycle again. We were hoping our luck was up. My due date was 21st September 2009.
I had lots of symptoms and was relieved to pass the time of my last miscarriage. We then had the hurdle of the 12 week mark. We went to our US. I was really nervous but so relieved for them to say everything looked really good and measuring as it should. My next appointment was with the midwife at 16 weeks.
16 weeks. I turned up to my appointment. I had been having terrible heartburn, and was starting to show. I was feeling good. I hadn’t had felt any movement yet, but didn’t until around 20 weeks with Scarlet so that did not worry me. It wasn’t my normal midwife. She did all the normal checks then asked if i wanted to hear the heartbeat. I said “yes please”. Really excited. She tried for about 10 minutes and just could not find it. I was starting to worry, but put on a brave face. She really played it down and said it was totally normal at 16 weeks to not to be able to locate a heartbeat and for me not to worry at all. My next US was due at 20 weeks and she told me to wait until then and she was sure all was fine.
I got to my car, rang my husband and burst into tears. He told me to go back in and for her to try again. I went home first, cried some more then did call them back. I had to go to a different doctors and a different midwife. Her and a student nurse tried for about 20 minutes still no heartbeat. I started to cry. Again they reassured me, this was totally normal at 16 weeks and they were sure all would be ok. However as i was upset they arranged for me to go to the hospital the next day for a scan to set my mind at ease.
That night i was really worried and upset. My DH was feeling very positive and really cheered me up and we went along the next morning feeling reasonably confident that everything would be ok.
At the hospital they took me into one room and hooked me to the machine. She did the US and then said “can i take you to another room, this machine does not have a flow monitor”. I knew at that point something must be wrong. I just walked to the other in a numbed state.
They put me on the other machine. Straight away they said to me “i am sorry there is no heartbeat”. I just lay on the bed and sobbed and sobbed. They asked if it would be ok to carry on and measure the baby. I agreed. They said it appears that the baby had died in the past day or two. It was measuring 16 weeks.
We were then taken to another room. A consultant was brought into see us. They started to talk to us and mentioned “induction”. It only then dawned on me that i was going to have to go through labour and birth. I never even thought about that. They then started talking about funeral arrangements, post mortems, testing. 24 hours ago I was planning my baby’s birth in my mind, now we had to plan its funeral.
I was given a tablet. I don’t even know what it was, i just took it. I had to come back 48 hours later to be fully induced.
Those 48 hours were awful. I was numb.
Saturday arrived and we went to hospital for 8am. We were on the maternity ward and could hear babies being born all around us. We finally got home at 1am the next day. It took 6 lots of inductions for my baby to be born. I went to the toilet mid afternoon and my waters broke on the toilet. I jumped up and panic stricken. I was so so scared that my baby would be born and fall down the toilet. After that i just could not go to the toilet and this is what caused my labour to last so long. My bladder seized up and was preventing the baby from being born. I had a catheter put in in the end. My baby was born at 11.10pm on April 11th and i think of them as my Little Star. An extra special twinkling star up in the sky. I relive that day in my head all the time. I miss my baby so much.
We don’t know yet why it happened. We get our results on June 15th.
So that is my story. A story i wish i did not have to tell, but mine none the less.
Last edited by sunnycrest; 05-14-2009 at 08:20 AM.
Thanks for sharing your story...and I am so sorry for your loss---I remember the shock and sadness when u posted what happened in Sept board...I thought about you and am so sorry u had to go through this---
I am sorry that I missed reading this earlier. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love your description of "Little Star". I do hope that continues to bring you a source of light and comfort when you are able to stare at a night sky.
(((((HUGS)))))) Reliving it -- from those first horrifying moments of the ultrasound on through are typical. It does soften with time.. but I am sorry that you are on this journey at all. I know that we have mentioned the role "taking control" can play -- by doing something to either help acknowledge your baby's memory in a way that does bring you a sense of peace... or -- maybe after you do get your test results serving to learn more about the diagnosis if you receive one and helping educate others. If I can help in any of it please let me know. Journaling - or talking through as you are here remains a huge part of my own healing process.