I was just re-reading the post about being angry with God and I can say that at this point I am down right pissed. We suffered 5 years of ttc before we adopted Jonathan from Korea. He is the light of my life. I often joke that DH had an out of body expreience and had sex with his birth mom in Korea b/c he is a mini Chad. So, we are living our happy lives and in November and january experience a loss we were not trying and I am n ot really sure I fully grieved the loss.
So, along come March and I find out I pg again. After 9 anxoius months I deliver Alex. He is a happy baby and his big brother loves him.
Again, we live our happy little lives pickingblue berries and visiting the zoo. Until I realize I'mfive days late. I ended up having three positive pg test. A fw days later I get blood work that comes up negative. So, another early loss. That makde sfour little angles.
I just do not get it. We we re not trying,yet. When do I feel like the mule with the fraking carrot dangling infront of his head only to be ripped away. we were happy with our family, thoiugh we did want one more in a few years. Why did the rug need to be pulled out fromunder us when we were not expecting it. All those deep guarded infertility feelings came rushing back.. I was POAS every hour some coming up + other coming up (-). I can not belive I could have three test in a matter of days that are all false positives, so it only leads to one conclusion.
I really do not know how to feel, I'm just numb at this time. Par to fme feels like I do not have the right to grieve somethign that was not medically confirmed, bnack to the false positive theory. It just rewally sucks that I feel swrewed with to be unexpectedly happy and then having the rug riped out from under me. Whe could He leave us alone in our happy little lives for a while. We tried for year ttc and noting, and now it is like He is teasing us. Now I feel guilty for not regocnizing this baby lie I did the other three.
Anyhoo, enough of my rannting for one night. I am afraid to tell my DH how I feel as hemight laugh. I also do not know if I sdhould mention this to my therapist I'm seeing for PPD. It like we all take one step foward and two step back.