Nearly 20 years ago and still painful

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kiss_the_fiddler's picture
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Nearly 20 years ago and still painful

Here is part of my story. Please don't judge.

I went to boarding school during high school. During my senior year, I was raped and became pregnant. I was terrified. I knew that if it was known that I was pregnant, I would be kicked out of school. My family had told me for years that if I had a baby before I could support it, they would not raise it. I was so trapped. I wanted kids. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified. I had no one to turn to. No one at all.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I loved my baby. I carried her long enough for my clothes to not fit over my bulging belly. When I was starting to show, I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my pregnancy much longer. Not thinking I had any other options, in a scene that might have mirrored early abortions, I caused my body to miscarry her. I was devastated by my situation. After I started bleeding, I became very sick. For two weeks, I had a very high fever. The school thought that I had the flu. I did not get to see a doctor. In hindsight, I know that I am lucky to have lived through it.

After the pregnancy was over, I became so depressed. I stopped eating. I just wanted to die. I could barely cope.

It took me years to tell anyone at all what had happened. I felt so guilty. I felt so sad. I missed that baby. I felt that she was a girl and I named her Audrey. She would be 19 today.

It is very hard for me to share this. I don't feel like it fits on the abortion board. I feel like I lost her.

There were 6 more losses but I cannot speak of them. Please don't judge.

Heidi

Minx_Kristi's picture
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Oh Heidi, no one has a right to judge you. You were raped for goodness sake! I can only imagine what you went through and I am sorry you are still dealing with this 20 years on.

xx

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Thank you for sharing your story, it was a brave thing to do. Have you ever had any counseling?
I am sorry for your loss. I hope that sharing your story bring you some healing and some closure.

FLSunshineMom's picture
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I am so sorry. It broke my heart to read your story. Huge hugs to you, I agree that counseling might be a great help if you haven't already tried it.

kiss_the_fiddler's picture
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Yes, I've had therapy. Lots of it.

Thanks for your support. Thank you for not judging me.

Heidi

Alissa_Sal's picture
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I'm very sorry for your loss and everything that you went through. Huge hugs, and no judgement here.

marymoonu's picture
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I'm so sorry that you were forced to experience all of that, and at such a young age... I'm sure it really just stripped away a lot of the innocence of it all. I'm happy that you felt comfortable to share some of your story here and I hope that it has helped somewhat in your path to healing.
:bighug: