Need advice on friends' loss

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Joined: 06/29/04
Posts: 28
Need advice on friends' loss

First of all I just want to give everyone here the biggest hug I possibly can over the internet. You ladies are an inspiration of strength and healing.

Some very dear friends of ours lost their little girl this past February. The EDD was the first week of August. Should I send a card or something during that week or will it be too hard on them to see something like that?

I'm just not sure what to do. My friend and I have gotten together and I let her talk about whatever she wanted and she did share pictures of their little one with me so it's not like we've ignored it. I must admit that I read the stories here from time to time and it really helped me feel more comfortable having those conversations with my friend.

The last thing I want to do is make an already sad situation worse. So I guess I'm asking you wonderful ladies, how would a card or a little something (I was thinking of crocheting some flowers to put with the baby's urn) make you feel?

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Honestly, I would love a card or something that let me know that I was not the only one that remembered my angel's due date. You are a great friend if you have talked lots about this and such, just her knowing that you are available I'm sure is a great help. I have one friend (my sister) that I know I can bring it up to any time, everyone else, it gets awkward, and knowing that I have someone I can talk to helps, even if I don't call her. I would send something, but let us know what you decide. Hugs to your friend. Sad

squirlyj's picture
Joined: 11/06/05
Posts: 121

I would send a card. That would be nice

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

For me, I wouldn't want a card. But then again, I prefer to deal with this stuff on my own, I can't even bear to talk about the m/c right now with friends. They've stopped asking what happened to the baby and I can't even call the Dr. to find out the results of the tests...

But if your friend talks about it with you regularly, or if it helps her to get it out to you, she might appreciate a card. Nice of you to think of her now though...

min150mph's picture
Joined: 09/08/07
Posts: 72

I think a note just saying I'm thinking about you would be wonderful. Not something that is specific about the baby or due date, just something to show you care and to let her know you're there to talk if she wants to.

MrsSchepp's picture
Joined: 12/30/06
Posts: 496

i think it would be lovely to send her a card letting her know you are thinking of her...what a great friend you are!

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Thank you for being such a thoughtful and caring person. A card would be a wonderful thing. It is wonderful to have your child's life validated by someone other than yourself. People tend to "get over it" and go on with their life because it was not their personal loss. It can feel as if we are grieving alone as a parent. So, to have someone say that I remember your child and I am so very sorry for your loss is invaluable.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I agree with the above pp's -- Shelly, in particular, 'took the words out of my mouth' (only she said it much more gorgeously than I can!).

A card is a very nice gesture. I would have loved to receive one, if I had -- I would have treasured it.

You are a lovely friend, and she is very lucky to have you.

Cheers,
Nicole

"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
- Anatole Broyard

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I think it is wonderful that you want to do something for her. Send a card, crochet for the urn, let her talk, cry, scream, say all the crazy stuff (that we have all said) and don't judge. Don't try to "fix" her. Don't use the phrases that many people use..."she's better off", "she's with God now", "you'll get over this", "I understand"-(unless you DO understand by experience).

You sound like a wonderful friend, stick with her.

~I'm hugging you right back~
Lisa

EmmyG's picture
Joined: 02/03/08
Posts: 34

I agree with all of the PPs. Take your cues from your friend. If she feels comfortable discussing what she's going through with you, then I think it would definitely be appropriate for you to do something to show that you are thinking of her and remembering her child.

On Mothers' Day, my dearest friend sent me a very simple e-mail. Even though it made me sad, it also made me so happy to know that someone other than me was remembering my angel that day. Small gestures can go a long way. Your friend is very lucky to have you.

Joined: 06/29/04
Posts: 28

Thank you ladies so much for your responses. The last thing I want to do is cause our friends more pain. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. :bigarmhug:

Right now I'm leaning towards a simple card to let the family know that we are thinking of them. It's such a fine line to walk right now, wanting to let them know that their loss means something to us, that we wont forget their little girl yet I want them to have the room they need to heal.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I would appriciate a card. Haivng my feelings validated by something so concrete would make me feel better and less alone. It's been a few months now and in a few more will be my EDD and I know no one will send anything. No one talks about it now. If people did, I think I'd feel a bit better with my greif. your a good friend.

twinsand1+preg!'s picture
Joined: 03/20/07
Posts: 4

My Aunt was the only person who acknowledged the due date of my angel with a sweet card! (I mc at 9 weeks.) I will never ever forget her sweet gesture and kind words!!!!! It meant the world to me and still does.