Hi my name is Robin. I was on this board for a long time and then moved to TTC after loss. Well I don't know what has caused me to slide backwards but I am having anxiety attacks again. They aren't as bad but I am scared that they could be.
For those who don't remember I had my miscarriage June 18 2007.. I delivered my daughter Rebecca early at 16 weeks because of a incompentent cervix.
Well it took a long time for the grief to finally subside, but it is back it could be because of her anniversary date. I was fine on that day or it could be because of everything I have been through in the last 2 weeks.
I finished teaching June 10th and had to have surgery June 12th for fibroids and polyps. My dog was really sick and at 17 years of age wasn't getting any better. My husband had to carry him out to use the bathroom and up and down steps. We put him to rest on June 14th. June 15 was fathers day, although I was very sore from surgery I tried to make my husband feel good. He may not have a living child but he is a father anyway. Then June 18th came, I thought I would be a mess but I wasn't. We took a balloon to the hospital where they have a memorial wall up and her name is on it. We were going to send to balloons up to her but we had a thunderstorm and pouring rain that day so we couldn't. Now for about 5 days I have been having panic attacks. I shake and have hot and then cold sweats. I know it is anxiety because I was off from work for 6 months with them after I lost Rebecca. What I need I guess is some support. Some friends to talk to that know what I am going through. I thought I was going to be alright through all of this but I guess it was more than my body was ready to handle.
I hate anxiety and panic and I do not want it to take my life over again.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I have therapy at noon today so I hope she can put some insight to this for me. Any suggestions from you or even just a kind word would be appreciated.
I am so sorry for your loss and all the stress you have had over the past year. That is surely a lot more than anyone can handle. I especially feel bad about your dog. My dogs were a huge support during my grief and I find myself worrying about them more latley just because of that (my one dog has some minor health issues and is getting up there in age). I someimtes get mild panic attacks (not as severe as your sound) that keep me from sleeping or eating and I can understand how you gear them taking over your life. I'm sure you've heard this before, but just try to breath through them and find something to do to occupy your mind if you can to help it pass. Don't feel too bad about "not doing as well as you think you should be". Grief doesn't start and end. It comes and goes and catches us off guard sometimes. My thoughts are with you.
Hugs Robin. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now, but I think with all the circumstances, it is understandable. I am sorry that you had to put your sweet dog down. And that Rebecca's anniversary date came so close to that time. I hope your therapist can help today, and please know that I think of you often. Hugs and prayers!
You will be fine. You have come so far and you will be fine. It is okay to fall backwards. Michael ad I will be there to help you back up. You have come so far. Don't let your anxiety bring you down. Just remember that you have found ways to cope with your anxiety. If it is popping its ugly head up again just find new ways to tackle it.
You have so much going on right now (aside from losing Bear and Rebecca's anniversary). It is not unreasonable for you to feel overwhelmed. You made it through before and I have every confidence that you will find your way through it again.
You are truly a remarkable woman (yes you are - don't argue with me!) and I am blessed to have you as a friend and confidant.
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I have dealt with terrible anxiety on a number of occasions in the past...I even remember one time being so scared because I did not know what brought on the anxiety and depression...I thought, how am I gonna get out of this, if I don't know how it started? Well, I did.....I dug/scratched/clawed my way out...Like you, I refused to allow it to control my life..
In your post, I hear the words of a very strong woman...Even if you don't see it, I do...You WILL get out of the place you are in now..Have faith in yourself, your beliefs... And know that you can come here and receive all the support and encouragement that you need.
edited to say: I am sorry you had to lay your dog to rest .... I put my dog Bully down about 8 or so years ago It was horrible...still is even to this day..I couldn't even speak about it till a year went by...Even now..it is still hard...
I am SO sorry for your loss of Rebecca and of your dog. This all coinciding with Father's Day would make anyone feel like it's too much to bear. You're normal, and you're going to get through this.
It will get better -- honest!! It just doesn't feel like it right now. Grief comes and goes. You've just been walloped with a huge, very sad month -- anyone would be triggered into grief by what you've just gone through. It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can right now.
By the way, I can really relate: the anniversaries of lots of loss take plece each Dec. for me. But every year, Dec. gets easier to take. Time does heal -- even this kind of horrible grief.
I'm glad you've written here. Please keep writing in -- we're here for you, and we're going to help you through this. Write in whenever you like.
I'm also really glad you are seeing a counsellor (I saw a grief counsellor who was wonderful), and I envy you that there is a memorial wall at your hospital. You've prompted me to contact the adminstration of my local hospital to get one as well. We need one. I need one. Thanks.
Hang in there, Robin. We truly care about you.
"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
- Woodrow Wilson
I am so sorry that you are going through the anxiety attacks again. I can only imagine going through all that you have in such a short time span. I don't have any magic words, there are none. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.
How are you doing Robin?
I hope you are doing better. I know feeling anxious and having attacks has got to be one of the worst things. I hate how we get to feeling like we are doing 'ok', then something, some date, some memory, something small can throw us back and make it feel like it just happened yesterday.
Take it easy and be gentle with yourself.