Need Help

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tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82
Need Help

Hi Girls,

The anniversary of jamie's death is fast approaching and I feel more and more depressed each day. I find myself resenting and being jealous of my co workers who are giving birth in the next 24 hours or who have just had their babies in the last month. I find myself literally hiding in the bathroom at work so i do not have to see their babies. The dreams are coming back more frequently and I am becoming more irritable. I do not know what to do. I cannot talk to anyone about it because nobody understands. I just want to hold my baby in my arms. It is just so unfair. I am hurting all over again and i am not sure how to handle this. I do not want to go back to that dark place that i was in before. I fought really hard to "snap out of it" but I just hate this feeling. It feels like I cannot breath sometimes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry, honey. The anniversary dates are always hard and bring up memories. Do not be afraid to grieve, you have the right. What about doing something to remember him by? Release balloons with a note? It is almost spring, plant a tree.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug:

I think by allowing yourself to be sad and knowing that you don't HAVE to be happy for these people having babies you can get though this.

And it's just that. You get through it. You never get over it. Whoever thinks you can get over it is not informed. You lost a child. That's real. Not trival at all. I don't think others not in our situation can understand. They can feel for us, but not understand.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs hon.. no great words of advice, but I like what Janel said, you get through it, not over it. If you find yourself sinking in a deep dark place, do not be afraid to seek professional help. Maybe you could find a grief loss group?

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

Tina,

I'm so very sorry you are hurting and again for the loss of your little one. (((((((HUGS)))))))

I most definitely agree with the others. I'm not sure how you worked through everything before... but DO allow yourself permission to grieve. Those feelings you are experiencing are normal -- and yes, do surface as you are at/near specific "trigger" dates. I know that it can feel like a rollercoaster at times as you feel better and then suddenly feel waylaid by your own emotions.

It is good however to find an outlet that can be a "healthy" way to process that grief. The suggestion of finding a grief support group is a good path to take. You may check local hospital websites as more are recognizing the need for groups specific for pregnancy & infant loss. Another idea is to journal. Write out your feelings. You can start a private (or public blog) here if you want. Writing sometimes helps by forcing you to name your emotions. One idea that I came across that sounds helpful was that each day the person looked for ONE thing -- no matter how small - that was a positive in their day. It gave them some direction to look for.

I also highly recommend Missy's suggestion regarding planning something. In the past we have chosen various things that have helped us in our healing journey. Each year, we have a Mass (church service) dedicated to our little ones that we have loss. We've have a small garden spot that we call our "Angels garden". Working there is comforting for me. (If you do not have a place for this at home, you may find that you can volunteer to take on a spot at your local park, church, or even at your place of business?) The tree is a great idea -- either at your home or again, you may find that you can dedicate one in a local children's park through your city. Releasing balloons with a letter for Jamie is good or planning a little "ceremony" of sorts with your family may be something that would help. We've done this before as well. I think it helped me because it was something that I could DO... having *some* control in a situation that obviously was out of my control.

Finally, do not feel that you MUST get through this alone. If you feel that you need help, please don't hesitate to go and talk to a counselor. Do not believe that is any sort of "failure" on your part but instead recognize it simply as what it is/can be -- a tool just like any other mentioned here that may help you in your personal path towards healing.

Please do continue talking here. Everyone here does unfortunately understand.

~Missy

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

I want ot thank each and every one of you for the tender comments and suggestions. They all made me burst into tears. This is the one place where i feel that i can express how i feel and everyone UNDERSTANDS! I just wish that I had this kind of support at home. I just want someone to hold me while i cry and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I so desperatley need to let it all out. i have tried counseling but it did not work for me. I think that it actually made me worse. That is why i stopped after a few months. However, i am going to try many of the suggestions here and hope that they will actually work for me. On top of everything else, i went to see my Opthamologist today. i have some swelling on my eye lid and upon examination, it was shown that my eye is actually bulging out of the socket. They fear several things, 1) my Pseudotumor Cerebri is out of remission. 2) I have an acrimal gland tumor. 3) I have a tumor behind my eye. and lastly 4) I have a thyroid disease or Pituitary gland tumor. I have to go for an MRI This Friday with Contrast of my brain and orbits, I have to see my neurologist and i go back Wednesday to see my Opthamologist. I do not know which one to wish for. It seems like everything is just crashing down on me all at once. it feels like it is too much to bear. Again, thanks for all of the comments and suggestions. I will definitely try.

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hugs. Bulging eyes is sign of Graves's disease, which I think is a tyroid disorder.
Hang in there! I know it seems like everything piles up on us all at once. But, you will get through this. It does get easier. One never forgets, but the pain becomes less.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

wow tina! Hugs! KUP on your doc appt and such! :bigarmhug:

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

Tina,

I'm proud of you. Seriously. I know that may sound odd but I'm really glad that you have kept your appointment and that you are going for the MRI and then to see the specialist. I know it can be extremely difficult to have the motivation to go -- but while I know all of those possibilities sound frightening, you're taking the steps needed so that treatment may begin. (((((HUGS)))))) Agree with Rachel to please let us know how things are going.

Counseling is not for everyone... and a lot too depends upon the way you connect with the particular person. Each one is different so if it was a question of a personality clash or that you feel that you weren't understood, you may want to consider another. I DO understand your hesitation however in doing so. For this purpose I do believe that you need to have someone that DOES understand and "gets it" regarding Pg & Infant loss. As you mentioned, even those within your own support system do not always understand. It can be esp. frustrating (and hurtful!) to not feel that from loved ones but again, that is why having an outlet such as this online or support groups IRL are so valued.

You have a lot on your plate to process but remember to just focus on those steps forward that you ARE making.

Take care and know you remain in my prayers.

~Missy

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

Thanks to all of you. Especially you missy, your words are very comforting. I had my MRI Friday and the ytold me that the results should be in by Wednesday so it will be only a couple of days. They gave my 2 pills of Valium to take prior to thew procedure. They ended up blowing my vein and the contrast went into my tissue instead. Luckily they had enough in my veins to finish the MRI. I am still swollen and sore but I am just glad that it is over and done with. my boss Jim has once again been a huge godsend. He has helped me so much with everything in the last 2 years. If it wasnt for him, I would fall apart very quickly! I also want to thank all of you for your support! I did not think coming back here after a 2year absence was the best thing to do but i am so glad that i did. Even though I only stay on this board right now. I hope to go back to the other boards soon enough. I just need to get a little stronger I think.

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

keep us posted!

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

yes, kup!

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

Tina,

Thank you for the update! I'm sorry that your experience was not the best but grateful that they were able to complete the MRI and will have your results for you soon.

Smile How great that you have a supportive boss around and even more so that you recognize that. I've been so grateful for those "angels" that have been around -- and trust that I've worked them overtime! Blum 3

Please be certain to come back and let us know how you are doing.

~Missy

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

Well the good news is that i do not have a brain or orbit tumor. The bad news is my pseudotumor cerebri is no longer in remission plus i have chronic maxillary sinusitis that may require surgery. it has been there for some time according to my MRI. I go back Friday to discuss treatment. he thinks that is why my eye is bulging. So I guess this is good news. it has been so rough at work. All i think about is my baby. Monday, a guy I used to work with came behind me and said hi. I turned around and in his arms was this beautiful newborn baby. I did not know how to react. It was so hard standing there looking at this baby. I thought that i was going to die. I do not want to go through that again. After he left, I sobbed and i thought that i was going to be sick. I think i cried more this week at work than in the last 3 months. I wanted to take next Thursday off because last year I made a pact with myself to spend that day every year at the cemetary(even though they are closed until May). I just like to be close on that day. knowing that i had inventory this monday, I knew that it would be hard to get Thursday off because I am supposed to be at work in case there is any problems with my numbers. They can contact me so i can look at it again. I emailed my specialist to see if it was absolutely necessary for me to be there on this day. She emailed me back telling me that it would be best if i was because I would be the only one who could fix a problem if one should arise because i took the count and not anybody else. Well she CCed Jim. he called me and was really snotty about the email. as if i went behind his back. I explained to him that i did not want to be there but i had no choice because nobody else could do my job if it was needed. Instead of leaving it at that, he asked me huffy like why i did not wan to be ther. I started to cry like a baby and i told him that this was the day I lost the baby and i wanted to spend the day at the cemetary. I could not stop crying. I just kept repeating myself. I tried to calm me down but he had a really hard time and he told me to go out and smoke a cigarette. After i came back in he came over to me and asked me if i was alright. I told him i was fine but I resent him so much. Yes, he is great with support NOW but I resent him for all of the hell he put me through 2 years ago. I will never respect him as much as i used to. If i could i would leave there and never come back just so i would not have to deal with him again. The things he said to me when i lost the baby were so cruel. I turned him to HR because of his actions. he never said anything about the baby so it has nothing to do with that but honestly, I do not think I will ever get passed what he did. I know that he must feel the same way. He can be so supportive when he wants to be but other times he is a real jerk. I thought about changing my shifts so i did not have to wrok with him as long but that is not an option because the managers are supposed to work the same days and close to the same times. So, i am stuck trying to make the best of it. Our personal relationship and professional relationship get tangled alot. It shouldn't but we are both guilty of it. Anyways, I am rambling on and i am sorry for that. I just have so much building up inside and i need to let it out before i explode. I cannot discuss this with my husband because he has accused myself and Jim of some pretty nasty things. So what am I supposed to do? I sometimes wish that i was never pregnant at that time because all of this stems from the pregnancy. Sometimes i feel like i hate my baby for what she caused but then I end up feeling so guilty because I love her with all of my heart and soul. I am totally confused.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Oh honey, you have so much on your plate and your feelings are so raw right now. My soon-to-be-ex said some dreadful things after I lost our baby. I still think about it to this day. I;m glad you let your feelings out. Anger only hurts you, the person you are angry at does not feel any pain.

Due dates and the dates we lost our angels are always hard. Give yourself some slack and do not be so hard on yourself. Hang in there.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs and prayers Tina. I hope the health problems come out okay, kup. I'm sorry about having to work on a hard day, with a harda** coworker too. Hugs!