The anniversary of jamie's death is fast approaching and I feel more and more depressed each day. I find myself resenting and being jealous of my co workers who are giving birth in the next 24 hours or who have just had their babies in the last month. I find myself literally hiding in the bathroom at work so i do not have to see their babies. The dreams are coming back more frequently and I am becoming more irritable. I do not know what to do. I cannot talk to anyone about it because nobody understands. I just want to hold my baby in my arms. It is just so unfair. I am hurting all over again and i am not sure how to handle this. I do not want to go back to that dark place that i was in before. I fought really hard to "snap out of it" but I just hate this feeling. It feels like I cannot breath sometimes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm so sorry, honey. The anniversary dates are always hard and bring up memories. Do not be afraid to grieve, you have the right. What about doing something to remember him by? Release balloons with a note? It is almost spring, plant a tree.
I think by allowing yourself to be sad and knowing that you don't HAVE to be happy for these people having babies you can get though this.
And it's just that. You get through it. You never get over it. Whoever thinks you can get over it is not informed. You lost a child. That's real. Not trival at all. I don't think others not in our situation can understand. They can feel for us, but not understand.
Hugs hon.. no great words of advice, but I like what Janel said, you get through it, not over it. If you find yourself sinking in a deep dark place, do not be afraid to seek professional help. Maybe you could find a grief loss group?
I'm so very sorry you are hurting and again for the loss of your little one. (((((((HUGS)))))))
I most definitely agree with the others. I'm not sure how you worked through everything before... but DO allow yourself permission to grieve. Those feelings you are experiencing are normal -- and yes, do surface as you are at/near specific "trigger" dates. I know that it can feel like a rollercoaster at times as you feel better and then suddenly feel waylaid by your own emotions.
It is good however to find an outlet that can be a "healthy" way to process that grief. The suggestion of finding a grief support group is a good path to take. You may check local hospital websites as more are recognizing the need for groups specific for pregnancy & infant loss. Another idea is to journal. Write out your feelings. You can start a private (or public blog) here if you want. Writing sometimes helps by forcing you to name your emotions. One idea that I came across that sounds helpful was that each day the person looked for ONE thing -- no matter how small - that was a positive in their day. It gave them some direction to look for.
I also highly recommend Missy's suggestion regarding planning something. In the past we have chosen various things that have helped us in our healing journey. Each year, we have a Mass (church service) dedicated to our little ones that we have loss. We've have a small garden spot that we call our "Angels garden". Working there is comforting for me. (If you do not have a place for this at home, you may find that you can volunteer to take on a spot at your local park, church, or even at your place of business?) The tree is a great idea -- either at your home or again, you may find that you can dedicate one in a local children's park through your city. Releasing balloons with a letter for Jamie is good or planning a little "ceremony" of sorts with your family may be something that would help. We've done this before as well. I think it helped me because it was something that I could DO... having *some* control in a situation that obviously was out of my control.
Finally, do not feel that you MUST get through this alone. If you feel that you need help, please don't hesitate to go and talk to a counselor. Do not believe that is any sort of "failure" on your part but instead recognize it simply as what it is/can be -- a tool just like any other mentioned here that may help you in your personal path towards healing.
Please do continue talking here. Everyone here does unfortunately understand.
I want ot thank each and every one of you for the tender comments and suggestions. They all made me burst into tears. This is the one place where i feel that i can express how i feel and everyone UNDERSTANDS! I just wish that I had this kind of support at home. I just want someone to hold me while i cry and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I so desperatley need to let it all out. i have tried counseling but it did not work for me. I think that it actually made me worse. That is why i stopped after a few months. However, i am going to try many of the suggestions here and hope that they will actually work for me. On top of everything else, i went to see my Opthamologist today. i have some swelling on my eye lid and upon examination, it was shown that my eye is actually bulging out of the socket. They fear several things, 1) my Pseudotumor Cerebri is out of remission. 2) I have an acrimal gland tumor. 3) I have a tumor behind my eye. and lastly 4) I have a thyroid disease or Pituitary gland tumor. I have to go for an MRI This Friday with Contrast of my brain and orbits, I have to see my neurologist and i go back Wednesday to see my Opthamologist. I do not know which one to wish for. It seems like everything is just crashing down on me all at once. it feels like it is too much to bear. Again, thanks for all of the comments and suggestions. I will definitely try.
Hugs. Bulging eyes is sign of Graves's disease, which I think is a tyroid disorder.
Hang in there! I know it seems like everything piles up on us all at once. But, you will get through this. It does get easier. One never forgets, but the pain becomes less.
I'm proud of you. Seriously. I know that may sound odd but I'm really glad that you have kept your appointment and that you are going for the MRI and then to see the specialist. I know it can be extremely difficult to have the motivation to go -- but while I know all of those possibilities sound frightening, you're taking the steps needed so that treatment may begin. (((((HUGS)))))) Agree with Rachel to please let us know how things are going.
Counseling is not for everyone... and a lot too depends upon the way you connect with the particular person. Each one is different so if it was a question of a personality clash or that you feel that you weren't understood, you may want to consider another. I DO understand your hesitation however in doing so. For this purpose I do believe that you need to have someone that DOES understand and "gets it" regarding Pg & Infant loss. As you mentioned, even those within your own support system do not always understand. It can be esp. frustrating (and hurtful!) to not feel that from loved ones but again, that is why having an outlet such as this online or support groups IRL are so valued.
You have a lot on your plate to process but remember to just focus on those steps forward that you ARE making.
Thanks to all of you. Especially you missy, your words are very comforting. I had my MRI Friday and the ytold me that the results should be in by Wednesday so it will be only a couple of days. They gave my 2 pills of Valium to take prior to thew procedure. They ended up blowing my vein and the contrast went into my tissue instead. Luckily they had enough in my veins to finish the MRI. I am still swollen and sore but I am just glad that it is over and done with. my boss Jim has once again been a huge godsend. He has helped me so much with everything in the last 2 years. If it wasnt for him, I would fall apart very quickly! I also want to thank all of you for your support! I did not think coming back here after a 2year absence was the best thing to do but i am so glad that i did. Even though I only stay on this board right now. I hope to go back to the other boards soon enough. I just need to get a little stronger I think.