Need Suggestions-"EDD" approaching
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Thread: Need Suggestions-"EDD" approaching

  1. #1
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    Default Need Suggestions-"EDD" approaching

    ...and it's one week before Mother's Day I remember when I was so thrilled to have my EDD so close to that day after so long trying to get pregnant.

    This will be my first "Mother's Day" as an invisible mother of one baby in Heaven and not even a pregnancy otherwise. Partly I feel like wearing a sign saying "I'm a Mom, really" and part of me just wants to disappear until that day is over. Sometimes I tell DH that I want him to get me flowers for the day and partly I know that nothing he could bring me will feel good.

    To make things worse, my DH is going out of town for the week between the "EDD" and Mother's Day. I begged him not to go but gave up when I realized he felt like he had to for work. His boss didn't send him but they are supporting him. My DH is usually so supportive that I finally gave up and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. But I hate that I won't even be able to talk to him much. He'll be on a week of talks and parties and I'll be home alone. At least I can eat all the crap I want and he can't give me that look. I can also rent all the chick flicks I can stand or just read the week away. Maybe having that week to myself will be for the best. My DH grieves in such a different way than me that I feel like I'm grieving alone most times. The only thing that would be worse then being all alone that week would be to feel horrible and bicker with DH or feel like a freak.

    I wish I had friends to get support from that week but, ever since the loss, I've been too tired to bother making my friendships work. I really like the girls I am friends with but they all have little ones and live far enough away that I just don't see them anymore unless I make the effort. Plus, none of them have dealt with a loss like this and they've all been very sweet but none of them know what to say (just the standard wrong things). I know I should make friends with women who aren't moms yet but I don't have the energy for those places, either, or to have much in common with them right now. I've been TTC for so long, and wanting to be a mom for so long, that my conversations are limited. I'm in the purgatory between being single and being a mom. Add shyness and grief to that and it's a bad combination--I could sign up for classes I guess, or go volunteer somewhere, but I'm not ready and nothing comes to mind that would be worth leaving the house for.

    So, to make a long story short, I'm lonely and I need suggestions for that horrible week. For those of you who have been there, was there anything you did on Mother's Day or the "EDD" that helped you feel better? Were you surrounded by loved ones or alone, and do you wish you had done the opposite or was it a good choice?

    Part of me wants to go shopping but there are Mother's Day ads all over the place so that would be a crazy idea. I've also thought about the spa but it'll be the same situation. So any other suggestions are welcome!!!

  2. #2
    missy8632
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    I am so sorry for your loss. EDD are always hard, especially if you are still not pregnant.
    Motherdays was always hard for me. Dh would make a nice breakfast and he always bought me something, usually from the cats.

    Maybe you can release some balloon for you baby or plant a garden.

  3. #3
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    I'm sorry your DH is going away during that time. I just recently miscarried so I haven't yet been through all of the stages and my EDD won't be here until October. Do you have a close family member near by? One that has been very supportive and has listened when you want to talk and not pushed you at other times. Maybe one of those nights you could go to dinner with that person or shopping with them. Maybe another night a chick flick and ice cream. If you don't already have a piece of jewelry in relation to your baby maybe you can get something with the May birthstone on it. Another night with a good book and tea. I'm not sure if alone time or time with close ones would be best - I'll check back to see what has worked for others but since you'll have a few days to yourself maybe a combination of will work. Thinking of you and so sorry for your loss~


    _____________
    -Julie

  4. #4
    cabin_dweller
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    Oh god, I didn't even THINK of it being Mother's Day soon!!! You know what, you (like me) ARE a mother (I have no other children either). You had that LO growing inside you, however brief (or long) it was, it was still your child. And always will be. So we get that, even if those around you don't. I have a friend REPEATEDLY tell me that "oh, don't worry, I know for sure that you'll be a mother one day..." which is total crap, 'cause she doesn't "know" anything like that, but is just trying to help I suppose. She told me all along during my pg that "everything will be fine, I just KNOW it" and I always was hesitant because of my previous m/c, so that comment also drove me up the wall. Sometimes I just want to scream, "I am a mother!!!!!"

    Anyways, my EDD isn't till Aug, but I will definitely try to keep my mind on other things. For me, distraction is the best tool. If I did anything special for it, I don't think I could take that at this point. I would just hole up, watch tv, read, and eat whatever I want (LOL!). But that's just me, everyone grieves differently, just try to find what makes you most comfortable. After my last m/c I know I was definitely sad around my EDD (Dec) but tried to keep busy with other things. Having your EDD around Mother's Day is like adding salt to the wound, like it isn't painful enough. Sorry you have to go through this...

    And it's totally understandable you don't have the time or energy for friendships right now. I feel like being a total anti-social outcast and have no desire to hang out with friends. Some days I feel so ambivalent about everything, I just don't care about anyone.

  5. #5
    Posting Addict vbear's Avatar
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    I would go with the good food,chick flick.Reading all the books you like and just doing whatever makes you feel the best.I know ever since my 1st m/c DH has bought me flowers "from the doggies" .Now sure how this year will go since I've had my 2nd loss. I know I am dreading my EDD this year and it's gonna be even worse cause it's on my DH's birthday which has always been a happy ,celebration day for us.Guess time will tell. Just know we are here for you and you can talk to us about anything {{{hugs}}}

  6. #6
    Posting Addict tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's Avatar
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    On mothers day I realeased a balloon last year. It was so hard. I was supposed to be cradeling a little girl but had empty arms. I would really use friends on here for support. Get out of the house and don't dwell on it. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this hun. HUGS. I know how hard it is. It will get easier. But like you know you will never forget you baby.

  7. #7
    nicoleballinger
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    Default Another easy tool from Nicole's Tool Box...

    I'm SO glad you wrote in and told us what's going on for you. It' s important to 'drop the mask' (we have to wear around others), be honest and get it out in a safe, loving and understanding place (like this fabulous board).

    I agree with the above women -- it's important to do things that will make you feel good, and to avoid things that will make you feel worse. I also agree that it would be really good to talk with at least one understanding and sympathetic friend. And (with or without her) to cry, rage, carry on -- it's so important to get it out. Our emotions kept stuffed inside will make us so sick.

    I hope you'll post here too, while DH is away -- post every day if you want to. EDD's are VERY tough, and they'd be a double whammy around Mother's Day. We're here for you.

    Tool Time:

    I have to be blunt, I'm sorry. You sound depressed (and who wouldn't be? We all feel that way after loss). But depression is really worrying. I don't mind sharing with you that I've suffered from clinical depression, on and off, for decades (thankfully, usually "off"). It seems to be genetic, down my mom's side of the family. It can sneak up from out of nowhere, and 'bang' there it is.

    In 1999, a new friend taught me the BEST tool for combating depression, and it works for me everytime. She told me:

    "Whatever you want to do, DON'T do.
    And whatever you don't want to do, DO. And you'll be fine."

    She was referring to our self-destructive tendency when we're depressed -- my tendency can manifest itself in all kinds of ways. The bottom line is this: I have memorised these simple words and, whenever I get depressed, I act on them. As a direct result -- over the last 9 years -- my episodes of depression have become: less and less frequent, shorter and shorter in duration, and less and less intense. Really!

    It's simple really: the things I WANT to do when I'm depressed (hide under the covers, not shower, eat ice cream for breakfast, etc) are self-destructive and would only serve to make me WORSE if I did them (I'd feel guilty), so I DON'T do them (I get out of bed, I have a shower, I have a good breakfast, etc). And the things I DON'T want to do when I'm depressed (clean the house, go to the gym, balance the checkbook, etc) are productive and would make me feel better if I did them (I'd feel like I accomplished something, and feel good about myself), so I DO them. This has worked like a charm for me -- and for many others I've mentioned it to -- for years now.

    I hope you might be willing to give it a go. I can empathise with you -- I know how horrible and 'paralysing' depression can be. You have my heart, and I hope things get much better for you. Please be in touch -- we care about you, and we're going to help you through this.

    Lots of Love,
    Nicole

  8. #8
    Posting Addict shellyhudson's Avatar
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    My suggestions would be the ones that you have already mentioned. I would have the best chick flicks that I could find. Especially ones that I know will make me cry.

    I will be wanting to cry so why not just get it out?

    What about this?

    Get an iflatable pillow for the bath and some candles and bubble bath. You can soak and read and just take a spa day inside the house?

    I love the idea of releasing a balloon too.

    I wish you peace.


    Shelly

  9. #9
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    Thanks, ladies, for your support.

    Since I posted, I've reflected a lot on why I haven't been volunteering lately. I used to really enjoy it. Unlike the situation with friends, there is no longer a good reason for me to avoid it.

    Therefore, I contacted an organization that I believe in and offered to help them. I may only make it there once a month but that is better than nothing and it gets me back amongst people in a positive way.

    Anyway, I feel better about that decision. I'm hoping that, if I meet God halfway and at least get out of the house, He'll help me meet someone IRL who I can communicate well with. Volunteering could be good for my shyness since we'll be working. I always do better socially if I'm occupied and not just sitting around.

    I also thought of a friend who I could maybe ask to meet with me sometime that week. I hadn't even considered it before because I think she's pregnant again and that might be too much that week. However, she lost her child about the same time as me and had a close EDD. She'll be hurting, too, and, while it's going to be hard to be around a pregnant woman, at least it's easier to rejoice for her. There will not be any pregnancy complaints anyway! She's sweet and easy to be around so it might be just perfect. Your replies helped me reconsider it so thanks

    Nicole, thanks so much for your concern. You are right in that I do have some lasting depression. Some of it is seasonal and thank goodness the sun is coming out again! Some of it is harder to shake, though, and I do have a professional to talk to when needed. You are sweet to be concerned and I love your positive, solutions-oriented approach. While I'm not the same as I was before the loss, I'm not despairing as often as before, either. It will be awhile before I find those close friendships I once had but it will happen. I have hope.

    Writing is really my greatest consolation right now, particularly on pg.org, so thank you ladies for letting me vent. It always helps me grow and get some perspective, both the writing and the replies.

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