It's been so long since I posted hear... I can't believe my loss was over a year ago. Time has gone by so quickly, but so slowly at the same time.
So today I come home for my lunchbreak, and got my mail. It included a survey from the hospital I used to go to, a Gerber Life Insurance packet, an American Baby Magazine (some how I ended up with a free subscription), and two envelopes of information from photographers so I could capture the memories of my six month old. Of course, no one in real life really understands all this... I went back to work and mentioned this to a girl I work with and she said "Oh, that's good! Think of it as a positive sign of things to come!"
But it doesn't feel like that. It seems like an attack - every time I see something that reminds me of the baby I should have had. There have been so many dates that have just brought up bad memories (obviously, my EDD in August, the day we conceived, the day we found out, Christmas Eve when we told everyone... the anniversary of my loss, the anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy etc...) Because of the PMP, I ended up having to have bloodwork done straight through til November of last year... so that was 9 full months of reminders almost every week. So many days it feels like the world is crashing down on me. My mc was a very traumatic experience, and just now I am starting to have nightmares about what happened. Luckily, I am on medication for depression & panic attacks, which helps - but I still feel overwhelmingly sad sometimes.
On a good note, I finally switched to another doctor, and another hospital. I had an appointment on Feb. 5th, they day before my loss-anniversary. The doctor is very nice, and I feel confident about trying again. Of course, I'm very cautious. I really think that the next time around I am going to hide it until I can't hide it anymore (of course, I'll tell close friends & family.) I feel robbed that it won't be as exciting as it was the first time. And I know people mean well when they say things, but I'd just rather not hear it.
Thanks for reading. It's just so frustrating because I feel like absolutely no one in real life understands what's going on. You are all in my thoughts!