Never expected to be here(m/c children mentioned) LONG

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Never expected to be here(m/c children mentioned) LONG

I just found out this past Saturday that I was pregnant. DH and I were both thrilled. On Wed,I had this gut feeling that something wasn't right. Even though I had literally taken 3 digital tests that were positive and about 6 or 7 others that were blazingly positive,I took another that was barely registering a line. I had a beta done Wed night and got my results yesterday morning that it was 10. While my doctor was optimistic,I knew there was no way in h*ll that I could get these positives over the weekend and then have a level of 10. Yesterday I started getting really bad cramps and spotting. I got a 2nd level done today and it was a 2:(
I had no idea that something I had only known about for less than a week could hit me so hard and be so devastating. It's amazing the way the minute I saw that first positive on the digital test I immediately fast forwarded to 8 mos from now.
I know how incredibly lucky I am to be a mom to wondeful children,but,this still hurts so much.
The other thing that has impacted this whole thing is that my BFF IRL has been struggling for 12 cycles now to conceive a 2nd child. I had so much guilt over becoming pregnant after 5 cycles and now here I am. She also just found out today that she's not pregnant after her 2nd IUI. Strange how life works.
Thanks if you made it this far. I just had to get this out somewhere.

Alyson

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:bighug: I am so sorry that you lost your baby Sad It doesn't matter how many kids one has......the pain/suffering of the loss of a baby is not any less because of this :bighug:

Know that we are all here for you...You will find a ton of support from the strong and wonderful women on this board.

Marie

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Oh Alyson, I am so very very sorry. I don't care how long one is pregnant, it hurts terribly, because even for that week, you have hopes and dreams. If you ever need to talk, I am available. I appreciated so much your sweet pm when I had my recent loss. You are a sweetheart. Hugs and prayers.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Joined: 12/01/05
Posts: 1000

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry for your loss

MrsSchepp's picture
Joined: 12/30/06
Posts: 496

*hugs*

it's hard, and i'm so sorry...

Joined: 06/25/08
Posts: 36

Hugs! I hope everything works out.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Dear Alyson

I am SO sorry for your loss. It's a devastating experience, no matter how far along we were, and no matter if we have living children or not.

It's so sad that you 'qualify' for our board now. But I'm really glad you're here, because the people on this board are so caring.

Write in any time: to vent, to ask questions, etc. We're all here for you, and we're going to help you through this.

Love,
Nicole

"“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it”
-- Turkish proverb

Joined: 05/02/07
Posts: 46

Oh Alyson, I am SOO sorry! I was so upset when I saw that you had posted on here!!

I agree with the other ladies that regardless of how long you knew about baby, or whether or not you have other children, it still hurts, and it hurts bad! Let yourself grieve, you need it. Losing a child is something people cant understand unless they have been through it, so if you dont have anyone IRL to share with, Id say this board will be a very good place for you to share. The ladies here helped me greatly!! Its a very "lonely" experience to go through, so please do whatever, say whatever you feel like you need to in order to make you feel better.

Again, Im so sorry for the loss of your child, feel free to pm me if you need anything at ALL!!

Huge Hugs your way!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank you so much ladies. Just going to ramble a bit
I'm having a really hard time,but,putting on a brave face. Especially for our kids who don't know anything about it. I only cry in my room or at night when the kids are in bed. DH just doesn't know what to say or do. He tries so hard though.
I did spend the day on Saturday with my BFF out of state and it was such a great day. She is struggling with fertility problems and had just started her AF after having her 2nd IUI and TTC for 12 cycles. While our situations are different,I think we both bonded over the loss we both feel.
This is so hard:( I can't imagine how you ladies who have had later losses get through it.

Joined: 05/02/07
Posts: 46

I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I know there is not.

I think "the brave face" is very common. All of my family knew what was happening, but I still would not cry in front of them, I felt most comfortable crying in private. I wanted to be by myself so that I could cry. Like I said in my previous post, unless a person has been through it they cant really understand what you are feeling, and even then its hard. I had very different feelings with all 3 of my losses. I would recommend doing what you feel like you need to do in order to make yourself feel better, whether its crying, being mad, whatever. I put off "grieving" my first child and relied on getting pregnant again to "fix" me, well then all I was left with was 2 babies to grieve. As hard as it may be, dont fight off those feelings.

I cant understand the aspect of having living children while going through a loss, simply because I dont have living children. I have thought many times it would be harder, because like you said, your kids dont know, but also, you know exactly what you lost, where as I can only imagine what I have lost. You know the joy your children have brought to your life, I cant understand that aspect yet. So, dont let people tell you "you should be happy for the children you have" or any of that other crap, because sadly people say some really dumb things in an effort to "make us feel better"

Im very glad that your dh is trying to help you. I think they have such a hard time because they are sad as well, but they cant really understand the extent of our grief. I believe we instantly bond with our children, and thats something our dh's havent experienced so they cant really "get" that part of it. Not to mention my dh was constantly looked over, people always asked about me, but not him. He also made a comment that many other women have said their husbands made as well, he told me "I have to be strong, because we cant both fall apart" It blew me away when he said that, and I was even more shocked to find out how many other men in that situation said the same thing.

Im glad that you have someone close to you that you feel like you can talk to about this, that really helps as well. Im sorry for her struggles as well though.

Just know that we are here for you, and post as much as you need to!! :bigarmhug: Im so sorry!!