It never goes away, does it?

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Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129
It never goes away, does it?

...the pain that is, the longing for your baby.
Its been so long, and it still hurts... not as bad, not quite as often... but the pain is still there. I miss him so much...and I can't help thinking "what if". Today he would be one month old.
I hate milestones. Everyone brings the pain back fresh, new, like it just happened... Leaves me crying all the time, depressed, wishing...hoping...praying that things had been different. That I had just one more chance... one more try.
I hate that SO doesn't ever even notice the milestones, doesn't understand the signifigance. You think he'd know, when I start crying... but he never seems to notice. He always still asks why I'm crying... acts like the answer is a surprise. Maybe he thinks I've forgotten about it.. or maybe just wants me to.
I still think about him everyday. I just wish I had my baby. I miss him so much...

~~~

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

No honey it doesnt. Sad It hit me the other day that if Zane hadnt died i would probably be moaning about having to go back to work soon from maternity leave.

I still think about my little man every day too and miss him just as much as i ever did. What surprises me too is howmuch of a physical pain it can be. It actually really hurts my heart when i think of him. It's not just an emotion is it?

:bighug:

Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

Its not just an emotion... its a real pain. An aching, hollow in your chest... it feels like you're missing a piece of yourself. Its a need... to be able to love them and be unable to. Its a longing... to hold them in your arms, but only feel this emptyness.

I keep wondering... if YEARS from now, I'll still think of him everyday, If I'll still miss him with this same urgent need, If I'll still remember every birthday and milestone that passes, If I'll still cry for him... I just can't help wondering if it'll ever change. If there'll ever be a day when I'll be 'okay' with this. Will I ever 'forget' for just one day... just so I can be happy again.

Even the littlest things remind me of what I don't have. Today was hard... not just because of him being one month... I went to see Harry Potter today, with all of my friends and my sister. She brought her baby... and while I love him soo much, he makes it so hard not to cry sometimes... every person that walked past said how cute he was and "aww, now I want a baby". One of my friends was saying how much she loves babies and wants to have one, then she looked at me and said "don't you just want one too?!". I could barely smile...because there aren't even words... there isn't even a way to describe how much I long for my baby. No way for me to say how badly I wished it was my baby I was holding.

... I guess I don't have to say these things to you girls. Sadly, you all know how it feels. It just makes it hurt a little less to have said it though...

OneLuckyLady's picture
Joined: 04/12/07
Posts: 129

:bigarmhug:

2Denise1010's picture
Joined: 11/01/06
Posts: 53

:bighug:
I think you just learn to live with the pain as a part of you. Also, other people don't have a clue that the loss doesn't leave you.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I keep wondering... if YEARS from now, I'll still think of him everyday, If I'll still miss him with this same urgent need, If I'll still remember every birthday and milestone that passes, If I'll still cry for him... I just can't help wondering if it'll ever change. If there'll ever be a day when I'll be 'okay' with this. Will I ever 'forget' for just one day... just so I can be happy again.

:bighug:

Once you get past the "acceptance" stage where you don't blame yourself for what happened you get to the ""ok" point.

It's been 12 yrs for me. I hit the acceptance stage a little after the 10 yr mark. I still think about Zachary alot and wish he was here. I still remember all the milestone dates and annvi dates , they just don't hurt as much as they used to. You don't ever forget, they go to the place in the back of your mind where they remain with you always.

I did block out his EDD annvi in June. It hit me while i was filling out paperwork and signed things for a job interview i was at. I didn't really cry about it till weeks later.

Joined: 10/05/06
Posts: 40

My sister had 5 m/c's before having 3 healthy babies. Her babies are now in their 20's but she tells me that she thinks of those babies she lost all of the time. She sees another child around the age they would have been and wonders if her babies would be doing the same things that that child is doing. Those feelings and the hurt will honestly never leave us.

:bigarmhug:

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