Never thought I'd end up here...(loss ment)-Updated

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woooaaahhhh's picture
Joined: 04/18/07
Posts: 61
Never thought I'd end up here...(loss ment)-Updated

For those of you here that dont know me...I will give you a brief introduction. My name is Starr and I am 22. BC of PCOS and other medical reasons, I was told I could never conceive. Imagine my surprise when I turned up preggo.
DH and I ended up really looking forward to the little one.
At my 20 week u/s last Friday, we found out we were having a baby boy. Hours after the appt, I got a call saying something was horribly wrong with the babys heart. After week and 3 different hospitals, everything was confirmed. We got a call yesterday saying it is one of the worst cases theyve ever seen, and that if born, our son would most likely be severely brain damaged.
We made the choice to terminate. We felt it was in our son's best interest. DH and I both have always known that if either of us were to be in an accident and end up in a coma, brain dead, having to live on life support (ect) that we would pull the plug for eachother. It is no way to why treat our child any differently?
I am 22 weeks pregnant, and this is my last week. I am devastated...but I know we are making the right choice.

Has anyone else had to make this choice so late in the game?

...and to think; once I hit 13 weeks I was jumping for joy because I was 'out of the woods.'

I am so scared to face the world after he is gone next week. I am terrified of having all of our friends asking how he is, and having to tell them that he isnt here anymore. We have decided to tell people I miscarried. Not because I am ashamed....but because it would hurt too much to have to tell the story time and time again...and I dont think the details are anyones business.

sorry for the blabbing....I could type for days.

My induction has been scheduled for Thursday. They said he 'may' be born alive. I really hope he isnt. I cant handle that. I also dont want to name, touch, or see him. I really feel like if I see him, I will be more traumatized than I already am.
I go through my day like nothing is happening, like everything is ok....and as soon as i come home form work, I lose it.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever had to endure.
A part of me feels like I am doing the right thing....but a huge part of me feels so guilty. I feel like I am killing my baby. My feelings are so complicated right now.
The last few days he has been kicking SO much. Matt even finally got to feel it for the first time ever. We both SAW him kick from the outside...but it was near impossible to even be happy about that.
I feel so guilty bc he in there just kicking away without a worry in the worry in the world....and in 2 days time, he will be dead.
I'm sorry to sound morbid, but I am so upset right now and no one knows what is really happening in my life but you guys and Matt.
Thank you all for your comments. They mean so much to me, even though I cant respond right now.

Most of all, thank you for not judging me.

Amber_daisy's picture
Joined: 10/17/06
Posts: 567

I am so, so sorry Starr. No one should ever be faced with this decision. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers since last Friday, and I was hoping against hope that your little boy would be OK. I'm so glad you've found this board though. It was a lifeline to me after I m/c'd in February.

Luv, Amber

Joined: 08/04/03
Posts: 21

I have no words that would ever mean enough to you or your family. I am very sorry for the news. It's just unfair that you've had to go through so many life-altering changes in just 20ish weeks.

Please be good to yourself and know that you are in many people's thoughts.


SparkleMomma's picture
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Starr, my heart is breaking for you. Sad


erh3d's picture
Joined: 12/29/06
Posts: 15

Someone posted a link to here on one of your previous posts, so I hope it's okay that I post here. I am so so sorry you have to much such a difficult decision. I agree that the details are no one's business. You are doing what is best for your family and that's all that matters. Please know that there are so many people out here who care about you and we will do anything we can to support you through everything you are going through. You will continue to be in my prayers each night. I'm so sorry.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

Starr... :bighug: Sad there are no words I can offer that will even touch being able to take your pain away...I am so sorry for the loss you are about to suffer..

There is a woman, I am not sure if she still posts here on occasion or not? That said, she had to make the same terminate her pregnancy. I believe she was further along, like you. Maybe she will come lurking, and post...Or maybe someone remembers her? and can track her down? ...

The next week...and the weeks to follow, will be some of the hardest days you will probably ever have to live. Know that we are all here for you. You will not have to get through these days/weeks alone... :comfort:

Could one of your family members, or a trusted friend, call everyone for you?? Let them know you lost the baby?? If this were possible...I think considering this would take some of that pressure off of you.

Please continue to post here daily. I know this will help you tremendously, in getting through the days ahead...

Also, please let us know the day you are going in??

You and your dh are in my thoughts, and will be in them daily ... many (((((hugs))))) to both of you...


natsmom04's picture
Joined: 02/25/07
Posts: 6

Starr, I am so so sorry. I am praying for and thinking of you and your family. I am just so sorry. Sad You are a great mother for doing what you think is best for your son.

cannycane76's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 879

I hope you don't mind that I post here. I've been following your story for a while (although it sounds pretty mean calling you life a story but I have no other word for it).

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am and how much I admire you and your DH's decision. This is one of the bravest decisions I've ever heard a person make.
I hope, for you, for better days.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Starr, it is so awful to have to make a decision like that. No woman should have to go through it. I have to say, in the same situation, I would probably do the same thing.

I have a good friend who had to make the same decision. Her circumstances were different, the baby only had a brain stem, not a brain, if the baby did survive, it would be a vegetable.

She went into the hospital at 24 weeks to be induced in labor, the baby was too big for a d&c. She said it was hard, very hard for her. I won't sugarcoat it for you. She asked to hold the baby after it was born, and she and her husband got to hold her (it was a girl) for a few hours. She said it helped give her some closure, to at least tell the baby how much she loved her and wanted her.

She also told me the worst mistake she made, was to not get counseling afterwards to help her deal with it. She eventually did get help, to get over the guilt. She eventually had 2 more beautiful children, which didn't make her grief go away (there is no replacement for a lost child) but it helped her. She is doing well now, but there were times it wasn't easy.

There are no words to help you feel better. It just plain sucks. Just know you have a lot of people who care, even if we can't understand your pain.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

Starr, I'm so sorry for what you and DH are going through. I have tears in my eyes as I type because I can't imagine what I would are a strong woman, and I believe that you will be blessed again when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to keep you and your DH in my thoughts. Again, I'm so sorry...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry Starr. :bigarmhug:

Like for Amber, this board meant a lot to me following my loss in November. I hope it can give you some sense of comfort.

I think there are other women on this board who have been through something similar, so I am hoping they will come out and give you some advice and comfort.

I also think your decision of what to tell people is totally appropriate. They don't need to know all of the facts unless you want to give them to them.

I wish with all my heart that you weren't going through this. Sad You have been on my mind so much.

JGro's picture
Joined: 03/24/07
Posts: 88

Starr ...

You've gotten so great words of wisdom here, but I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you and your family. I am so sorry that you are having to endure this. Please just know that we are here for you whenever you need us.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Starr, I'm so terribly at a loss of words for you and have goosebumps and tears in my eyes right now b/c I can't imagine what you are going through. I will continue to think of you and pray that you get the strength you need to get through this hard time. Please take care of yourself hun and try to keep your head up.... :bigarmhug:

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

I am so sorry that you have had cause to come here Starr, i really am.

I too know what it's like to feel so cheated, especially when you should be out of the 'danger zone'. It's like the longer you go in your pregnancy, the safer you feel with it and then you get royally kicked in the teeth when it goes wrong.

Unfortunately i also know what it's like to have to choose for a son to die. It is both a difficult and easy decision to make. Difficult because you dont want to let go and you dont want to loose him. Easy because you know that his life would not be what you wanted for him. I think that you made the right decision, and i know it is not one you will have made lightly.

As far as telling people what happened, you tell them what they need to know and no more unless you feel like you should. Sometimes you may find that you want to open up and others you wont. It's okay whatever you decide to do.

I hope you dont mind me offering some advice, it's just something i have regretted and hope that you might appreciate it. I just wanted to say that no matter how hard it is for you, please take time to appreciate these last moments with your baby. While you're pregnant and afterwards. Take photos and write down your feelings. I hope that you get to see him when he's born and when you do take photo's then. Many, many photos of as much as you can. Dont be afraid to hold him for as long as you can because you wont get that time back. One of the things i regret the most is that i didnt go with the nurse to bath Zane and dress him. I should have taken more time with him and taken more photographs because that's all that is left now. The memories of the short time we spent together and the photographs we took. Take the time to really look at him. I never did. Look atr his fingers and toes and his cute little baby butt. Smell him and cuddle him and just take as much as you possibly can from it because it comes to an end.

I know i've said this before, but my heart is in bits for you. I think about you a lot and i wish there were something i can do, but i know from experience there is nothing. I am here for you though and i want to encourage you to post here as often as you feel the need to, for any reason at all. Unfortunately we know how you feel in different ways.


Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

DS Zane born at 41.5 weeks by c-section.
Lost as a result of Vasa Praevia at one day old.
16 - 17 October 2006.

Joined: 12/09/06
Posts: 74

Starr...words can't express how sorry I am that you and your dh will not have a happy ending to your pregnancy. The decision you made for your son and your family is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do and I think it is awesome that you put your son first in that decision.

I am so glad you found this board. The support you will receive her is awesome. I still stop by from time to time as this was a great support for me after my loss in Dec.

Take care, take time to heal and I think Sara gave you some great advice, enjoy the time you have with your son.



Kitrinkles's picture
Joined: 06/02/05
Posts: 44

I'm so incredibly sorry. You and your sweet little one are in my thoughts.

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
Joined: 11/14/06
Posts: 212

I am so sorry for you. I have lost one so late in term and it is never easy. My heart breaks when these things happen. I agree on telling people about m/c that it is not their business. I had someone ask me recently about my angel and I cried. My mom had to explain she had gone to heaven.

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Again Starr, I am so sorry. I lost my DS at 21 weeks and 6 day in 2005 and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

Sarah has some really good advice in her post and I would echo the same.

Also, you may want to get in touch with Claudine on She has experienced something very similar to you and I know she would be helpful.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908


You are not alone in this. We are all here to support you in your difficult time. A great website that I can recommend is


CJWilkes's picture
Joined: 01/04/09
Posts: 880


baby_schultz's picture
Joined: 04/12/07
Posts: 122

I am so sorry that you have to be here...
this board has helped me a lot and i hope it will for you also...
It is no ones places but you and your DH to know what and why...

Joined: 03/13/02
Posts: 23

Starr, I sent you a pm. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I ended a pregnancy at 24 weeks, severe defects.

Contact me when you feel able to. Sarah said much of what I would have said too.



edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You know I have been there, and I am so incredibly sorry for your pain.

If there is anything you need/want, etc, please know I am here.

All my thoughts are with you and your family.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852



I have been following your story. I am so, so sorry for what you have to go through, and the choice you have to make. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Starr - I am so sorry for what you are going through. You and Matt (and Cletus) are in my thoughts and prayers.



Joined: 02/03/06
Posts: 36

I'm so sorry that you have been forced to make such a heartbreaking decision.

You and your DH are in my thoughts. :bigarmhug:

Azmokitty's picture
Joined: 01/15/07
Posts: 16

Starr, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Make sure to keep your friends and family that you trust around.

After we lost our baby earlier this year, this board helped. I know it will be difficult, and sometimes seem impossible. But you will make it. You and DH need to lean on each other. And take all the time you need to recover. Don't let anyone rush you.

Bless you, and take care of yourself.

edited by mom@41 to remove signature

BloomingRose's picture
Joined: 12/03/08
Posts: 992

Starr, Matt & Baby Cletus,

I sat here all day yesterday after reading your post, trying to figure out just what to say. Seems that I couldn't, and really, still can't find just what to say, as I know that there isn't much anyone can say to ease the pain you all are going through.

I read Sarah's post, and she gave you excellent advice. Cherish what you do have, and if you are able to, spend as much time with him as you can. It's going to hurt like hell, but in the end, you will be happy that you did.

This site, this forum, and even all of us over on the December 07 board are all here for you, if, and when you need us. Don't worry about telling anyone the truth - in the long run, you will open up to people as to what truely happened when YOU are ready. They will understand why the truth wasn't revealed right away, and will be there for you both with open arms.

Both you and Matt keep your heads held high, as despite the battle with PCOS and the other medical reasons you mentioned, you WERE able to get pregnant, and with that, was a miracle in itself, no matter what the outcome has become. Just remember, you were able to get pregnant once, it will definately happen again, and when it does, EVERYONE will be here for you every step of the way. And remember, NONE of this is yours, or anyone elses fault.

We all love you Starr, please take care of yourself.

:cry: Kristina.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My heart is breaking for all of you. You've made an incredibly unselfish choice. Very good friends of ours recently went through a very similar situation with their daughter and chose to terminate at 23 weeks. It's utterly devastating and unfair, and all of my thoughts and prayers are with you.

PCOS Mama's picture
Joined: 10/20/06
Posts: 76


Starr ~ My heart just breaks for you and your DH... please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!!!!


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry you are in this postion. I will pray for your family.

tisaboom's picture
Joined: 02/01/05
Posts: 14

I just dont know what to say. I know there are no words to take away the hurt. And I think Sarah said everything perfectly. I will definately be praying for you and your family.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852


Starr, you don't know me, but I have followed your story. I am so sorry that you are facing such a heart-breaking situation. I know nothing I can say can ease the hurt and injustice, but please know your in my thoughts and prayers.


connorsmum's picture
Joined: 11/29/02
Posts: 1160

Starr, my heart is breaking for you. I am truely sorry that you have been put in the position to make such a choice, no mother should ever have to do that. Holding you all in my thoughts and prayers


Dese's picture
Joined: 05/27/07
Posts: 139

Starr, I am so sorry you and Matt are having to go through this. Over the past few months I've really enjoyed getting to know you on the December board and particularly because of the similarities in our stories. This has been heartbreaking. Just know that you have so much love and support from all of us.

Hannah502's picture
Joined: 03/05/07
Posts: 66

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. My heart just breaks for you! Know that you are being thought of during this time.


OneLuckyLady's picture
Joined: 04/12/07
Posts: 129

I am so very sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

LB&J's picture
Joined: 04/05/07
Posts: 8

Starr, I am so sorry to see this. I have been trying to keep up with what is going on with you and your baby. It breaks my heart you have to make this decision. I will continue to keep you and family in my thoughts as I know the coming weeks will be very difficult for you.

Again there are no words to express how sorry I am. Please take care and be gentle with your self as you heal in the coming months.

juliekb's picture
Joined: 03/07/07
Posts: 27

I am soooo very sorry you guys are going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. Please know you, your baby boy, and your DH are in my prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Starr, I am so sorry. I know that no amount of words can help you feel better about what you're going through. Please know that I am praying for you and your family and that you are truly in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time.

tiffshannon07's picture
Joined: 04/13/07
Posts: 15

I am sooo very sorry that you have to endure this pain. If I could take your pain away I would in a minute. No one deserves to be on this board. I have been on here for a while, sometimes its hard to post yet there is sooo much comfort that these wonderful ladies bring you when you do. If there is ever anything you need or if you just want to talk I am here. Again i am so sorry.

Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 3


I know there are really no words that anyone can say at this time to comfort you and Matt. I am very sorry to hear the outcome of this. Like another poster said, you did conceive once and most likely you will again. I know at this time that seems like little comfort, I know there are many people praying for you as you face the next weeks.

Take care of yourself and try to enjoy this last week and cherish it. Should any changes come up please let us know.



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JoyceLee's picture
Joined: 05/23/07
Posts: 4

I am soo sorry you and your family have to go through this. I couldnt imagine how hard it must be. I believe you made the right decision in not wanting your baby to suffer, and that shows a deep love you have for your unborn baby. Be strong and you and your family can get through this time of hurt, and know you always have friends here to talk to. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your little one, and your family.

edited by mom@41 to remove signature

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Starr, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers in the next couple weeks as you go through this difficult time. I am so sorry you have had to make such a difficult desicion.


Joined: 05/16/07
Posts: 1


I've been following your posts and praying for a miracle. I'm so sorry......there really are no words. If you don't mind the advice, I agree with the mother who recommended lots of pictures. I regret not taking more of my beautiful boys because sadly my memory has faded. Also, it's a good idea to have a friend or family member tell others, this will spare you some pain.

I appreciate getting to know you on this board. You're a wonderful, funny, and articulate person. Above all else, you're a great mother. This decision is one I cannot imagine, but you are so brave to not only decide what's best for your son, but also to share it with us.

Sadly in life, sorrow comes to everyone. I wish more than anything it didn't have to come to you now. You will carry your baby in your heart always. Please take care of yourself and lean on those who love you. May God wrap you in his grace and may your son soar on the wings of angels.

This is for all the caterpillars that never became butterflies,
All the butterflies that never caught the wind in their wings,
And all hearts that had hopes and dreams of a wondrous flight together.

With love,

Shee_Na's picture
Joined: 09/23/06
Posts: 53

Starr- I've read about what you've been going through on the December board. I am so very sorry. Words can never express how we feel after we lose a child. How it feels to get passed the scary part only to have our worlds come crashing down around us. I had a little boy at 27 weeks who passed away 18 days later. It still and will always hurt. When we make choices as the best things for our children and put their well being in front of our own is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. No matter how many children would come after nothing will ever take your first babies place and it's hard to keep going.

Please have someone take pictures and get prints of your precious baby. As hard as it is at this time and the pain I know you feel you'll cherish them after. I wish there were words to help but please just know we're all here for you and praying for you, Dh and your baby. PLease give us updates on how your doing and know you can pm me anytime if you ever need to talk, vent or cry.


Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

Oh Starr... I know there are no words that can heal your broken heart...

I've been seeing you on for quite a while now...reading your story... the first time I saw one of your posts it made me smile, your signature pic with Matt... and how in love you guys seemed... when you named your baby Cletus is made me laugh....
And now I'm crying for you... that you have to make such a difficult decision. No one should ever have to make that choice, feel that pain... but you are a wonderfully strong woman to be able to make such an unselfish decision.
I agree with Sara and everything the previous posters said. Cherish the small amount of time you have with him... though its hard and it hurts now, one day you'll look back and be so happy to have those memories. I wish I'd had more time with my son, 13 weeks was far to short for him to be on earth... I wish I could have held him and taken pictures.
Through all the difficult moments and hard times, we'll be here to lean on if ever you need a shoulder... or someone to just listen. All the women on this board were a great help to me... I hope they will be to you too. Because sadly, we know the pain you're feeling all too well...

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Mommy to

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852


I am sorry to post my condolences so late as I missed this thread until now. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something that could be said to help ease your pain, but I imagine that is unlikely. You and your DH are in my thoughts.

Joined: 03/07/07
Posts: 4

I wanted to say I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I also lost my son at 22 weeks and it by far is the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. I know it has been said but try and and hold him as long as you can that time you will never get back and have someone take pics I have a little memory box and it really helps to have some memories when you are up to it. We also were able to have a funeral for him and have a place to visit him. If you need to talk at all about anything please feel free to pm me. Please try to let people know how you feel. You really need all the support you can get. This is not something you couldve prevented and don't ever blame yourself. You and your family will be in my thought and prayers!

Joined: 07/31/07
Posts: 1

Dear Starr,

I am so sorry. You must be in incredible pain right now. I urge you to get a second opinion. Just a few years ago another woman on these boards was told her baby would be born with his spin on the outside of his body. She decided to terminate her pregnancy. She asked for one more U/S the morning of and when they looked again they found the baby was completely normal. Also I want to leave you with another thought. Caring for a child with special needs is very difficult but it is so rewarding you cannot imagine. You can't now in all this pain imagine how much you will cherish this child. Love truly does conquer all things. This is your child, created in love.

(edited by Angelia/Nytewind)

Joined: 11/20/03
Posts: 15


Im so sorry you have had to make this heart breaking decision. As a mother you will always do what is best for your child even if it is the hardest thing to do. I was told children tend to think like their parents so the decision you would want made for you is most likely what your child would have wanted too.

The only thing i can think to say at this time is try to spend as much time with you son, take photos, footprints, bath him, talk to him, maybe let your famiy see him.

Dealing with people afterwards is hard and what you say is ultimatly up to you, but generally once you say your baby has died they normally dont ask questions, and really they have no right to pass judgement

Angel Son born too early @ 24weeks