For those of you here that dont know me...I will give you a brief introduction. My name is Starr and I am 22. BC of PCOS and other medical reasons, I was told I could never conceive. Imagine my surprise when I turned up preggo.
DH and I ended up really looking forward to the little one.
At my 20 week u/s last Friday, we found out we were having a baby boy. Hours after the appt, I got a call saying something was horribly wrong with the babys heart. After week and 3 different hospitals, everything was confirmed. We got a call yesterday saying it is one of the worst cases theyve ever seen, and that if born, our son would most likely be severely brain damaged.
We made the choice to terminate. We felt it was in our son's best interest. DH and I both have always known that if either of us were to be in an accident and end up in a coma, brain dead, having to live on life support (ect) that we would pull the plug for eachother. It is no way to live....so why treat our child any differently?
I am 22 weeks pregnant, and this is my last week. I am devastated...but I know we are making the right choice.
Has anyone else had to make this choice so late in the game?
...and to think; once I hit 13 weeks I was jumping for joy because I was 'out of the woods.'
I am so scared to face the world after he is gone next week. I am terrified of having all of our friends asking how he is, and having to tell them that he isnt here anymore. We have decided to tell people I miscarried. Not because I am ashamed....but because it would hurt too much to have to tell the story time and time again...and I dont think the details are anyones business.
sorry for the blabbing....I could type for days.
My induction has been scheduled for Thursday. They said he 'may' be born alive. I really hope he isnt. I cant handle that. I also dont want to name, touch, or see him. I really feel like if I see him, I will be more traumatized than I already am.
I go through my day like nothing is happening, like everything is ok....and as soon as i come home form work, I lose it.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever had to endure.
A part of me feels like I am doing the right thing....but a huge part of me feels so guilty. I feel like I am killing my baby. My feelings are so complicated right now.
The last few days he has been kicking SO much. Matt even finally got to feel it for the first time ever. We both SAW him kick from the outside...but it was near impossible to even be happy about that.
I feel so guilty bc he in there just kicking away without a worry in the worry in the world....and in 2 days time, he will be dead.
I'm sorry to sound morbid, but I am so upset right now and no one knows what is really happening in my life but you guys and Matt.
Thank you all for your comments. They mean so much to me, even though I cant respond right now.
Most of all, thank you for not judging me.