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jenagrl's picture
Joined: 02/19/08
Posts: 5
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Well, today it has been two weeks since I've heard my baby's heartbeat. Everything was perfect. I was so naive.
I was almost 39 weeks, waiting patiently (ok, not so patiently) for my son to decide to make his entrance to this world. Wed I didn't feel him moving. I thought it was because I was so active, walking the mall. Thursday morning I knew something was wrong. Everyone else just figured it must finally be time. The nurse looked for what felt like forever for his heartbeat. Finally the midwife and doctor came in. They confirmed. My baby was dead. As I write this I relive it. How? Why? It didn't matter. He was gone. I chose to birth him naturally, like I had been dreaming of for nine months. I had an epidural with my daughter and was really looking forward to birthing with no interventions. I had my wish. My son, Corbin Michael, was born still at 4:56 pm on Feb 7th. I remember reaching for him as he came out, I just wanted him so bad. As I held him on my chest I couldn't cry. My husband sobbed. But it was our baby. So perfect. The moment I had been waiting for, right? But he would never open his eyes and look at me, nurse from my breast, or take a breath or cry. Finally it hit me and I sobbed as I held him close to my heart. It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. I relive the last nine months in my head over and over. The last week was the "hard" part. Flying home, the wake, the funeral. Burying my son. I need to sleep, my daughter will be up by 7 (on the dot usually) and she needs me. But how can I sleep when I still wake up and think I can feel him inside me?

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost a son at full term. My loss was nearly seven months ago. I understand your grief and the need to carry on for your daughter. My daughter turned five today. If you ever want a shoulder to cry on, I am just a pm away.

Shelly

Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Oh hun, I am so so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I am so sorry you lost your little boy. There are no words that I can say to you that could possibly ease your pain. I just want you to know that I am so terribly sorry and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine your pain right now, so I wont even pretend to. It is so sad that all of the women on this board are bought together through loss, but I am sure you will find support and comfort here. There are alot of women with experiences closer to yours who will be of incredible support to you. I have not been through what you have so probably would not even know where to start with helping you get through ( I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks then d & c) but many of the women on here have been through something similar, and they will be able to offer you the support and advice you need right now. Whilst I cannot imagine what you are going through, I will always be here to listen and offer hundreds of sympathy and support if you ever just want to chat or vent.

I know it probably does not help at all, but I am sure many of us on here will be shedding tears for you, your family, and your little boy. I know I have just reading your post. It is such a tragic loss, one that no parent ever deserves to go through. Please be easy on yourself, allow yourself to be angry and sad. I hope that you have plenty of support around you right now, and hope that you feel that you can come here for any extra you may need. From spending time on these boards I have heard some truly devastating stories, and it never ceases to amaze me the strength that women have within them. I know you will have that strength within you too. I have found time to be a great healer (even though I fully appreciate that your experience is very different from mine) Take it one minute at a time, and do only what you feel able too. Know that we are thinking of you at this sad time.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Jenagirl,
I am so sorry to hear about your son Corbin. My daughter was born still in August.
The early days of grief are so raw and painful. I found comfort in reading books on infant loss, going to infant loss support groups and in participating in boards like this one. They all helped get me to where I am now but truth be told only time lessens the pain. I have a lot more good days now but I still have bad days. I think of Lily everyday. I don't think that will ever change. I have recently had moments where I realize I am happy, I didn't think that would ever happen.

Lily was also my second child. Thomas my son was three and a half when his sister died. I too had to get up each day and make the best of my grief because Thomas needed me. My DH was very ill during this time. He was on iv anitbiotics and his blood sugars were through the roof while his body was fighting the infections. It was very stressful because then I was fearing the worst for DH.

One thing that I found difficult initially was what to tell Thomas. He knew he was having a sister and I didn't know how to tell him. We sat down with him when I was out of the hospital and explained as best as we could. At the funeral, we had him release a balloon up to heaven for his sister Lily to catch and play with. There is a good book that I ordered from my bookstore that I read with my son. It is called "We Were Gonna Have a Baby but We had an Angel Instead" by Pat Schwierbert. It is a very simplistic picture book. Be prepared for questions that you have already answered to resurface as your daughter gets this abstract concept straight in mind (assuming she is old enough). Thomas says bizzare things and I just patiently explain it to him.

I am here for you if you need to talk. Feel free to PM or email me. There is another area of this board called parenting after loss. I go on there from time to time as well as I still have to parent Thomas and sometimes it can be challenging. You may want to wait awhile to get there as some posts have photos of children/babies.

Antionette

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

hugs and prayers. Your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart just hurts for you and your family. I am sure Corbin Michael was just beautiful, and I am so sorry that he didn't get to stay.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have no words. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you can find ways to cope and to move forward, day by day. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
:bighug:

jenagrl's picture
Joined: 02/19/08
Posts: 5

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and support. I am still so lost and confused, but continue to take it day by day. I was wondering how everyone else cope(d)(s) with the overwhelming feelings of guilt. You know, if only.., what if.., blah blah. They say I did everything I could, everything right. But what if I'd have gone in just a little earlier. I mean, something happened, right? Gotta love hindsight. The nurse in me searches for the medical explanation I will probably never have. The mother in me knows no explanation will bring my baby back. But, then again, no one can take him away from my heart and soul.
Oh, one other thing. (Sorry, I'm long winded.) After reading posts from women that have been through such similar circumstances, I was wondering if you felt similar to me. Like your baby was taken away so many times in such a short period of time? Does that make sense? The confirming u/s, the birth, saying goodbye, the funeral, over and over again. I don't know. Just wondering.

rubber_da_glove's picture
Joined: 12/31/07
Posts: 1527

I'm so sorry for you loss :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

As a mother, my heart aches for you. I can't imagine the loss and grief you are experiencing.
I've had 2 early m/c's, so I can't comment on the birth and funeral, but my last m/c was really traumatic for me. The baby came out totally in tact while I was at work, and I kept picturing my tiny baby everytime I tried to go to sleep. My husband has some sleeping pills, and I started taking half of one each night. I only needed it for about a week, and then I started sleeping fine on my own. Maybe you can ask your doctor for a prescription. I know having a good night's sleep makes it a lot easier for me to be an attentive mom to my toddler.
I hope you find some comfort here and that we can help support you through the grieving process.

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so sorry to hear this. I just lost my baby girl 8 weeks ago. I was also full term and like you have no reason why it had to happen to me. I keep reading your posts trying to think of the answers to your questions, but truthfully i don't have any answers. My advice is to take it minute by minute. Don't blame yourself and know that there is nothing you did to cause this and more importantly there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. You are a good mom and your little boy knows how much you love him. I am always here to talk. I hope you have someone you can talk to in real life too. PM me and I will give you my email. Lots of love.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so, so sorry that you lost little Corbin. No mother should ever have to lose a baby. I think that everything you're feeling is very justified and normal, given the awful circumstances of his loss. I know when I lost my baby, it seemed like I just kept reliving it, day after day. With every piece of maternity clothing in my room, baby magazine in the mail, pregnant woman I saw, etc., it just felt like like I was losing him all over again. I can tell you that it does definitly get a lot better with time, but as you know, it can be a very hard road. After two years, I still think of my baby every day, but now my thoughts are more about the love I have for him, rather than my grief.

Again, I'm so sorry. Your boy will live forever in your heart and your soul, and I pray that one day you will have peace in his memory.

Tamara

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain even a little, but I know that there isn't. Like the other ladies have said, take it minute by minute, second by second, if need be. I had a loss in Sept at 10 weeks after seeing a healthy heartbeat twice and while I can't begin to imagine the devastation of your loss at full term, the women here have been a wonderful support to me and have always been here when I needed someone to lean on, I know they will do the same for you. With my loss being at 10 weeks, and not having a funeral or anything, I can't say whether or not I have felt the same way about saying goodbye. I'm sure it's a little different, but I do know that still 5 months later, when someone asks how my pregnancy is going or if we've had our baby yet, and that still happens, I feel like I'm living it all over again as I tell them that we lost our Kaylie. The best advice I was given, was to cry when I needed to cry, and scream when I needed to scream. Trust me when I say I did plenty of both. It hurts, it's an awful pain, but the worst we can do is hide from it (and I'm not saying that you are by any means). When I finally let the tears come when they wanted to, no matter where I was, even if I had to excuse myself for awhile, they became fewer and farther between. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, please just know we're here if you need anything. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself.

Amy

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

"jenagrl" wrote:

I was wondering how everyone else cope(d)(s) with the overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Like your baby was taken away so many times in such a short period of time? Does that make sense? The confirming u/s, the birth, saying goodbye, the funeral, over and over again. I don't know. Just wondering.

We are moms, that is synonymous with guilt. That is what we do. You must have moments of guilt about your daughter as well. Logically you know that you made the best decisions you could at the time with the information you had at that moment. You did not and never would intentionally put Corbin in danger. In my case I knew that Lily was sick and so I did everything I could do medically to save her. I could laden myself with guilt that I am the one who picked up the fifth disease virus and then passed it on to my daughter. But I know that there is not even a remote chance that I would knowingly hurt my baby girl. There are so many what ifs. They tend to haunt you less frequently as time goes by. I'm not sure if you have hit the stage of regrets but I now have many of those and that is what hurts me. I only got to hold her for a few minutes and then got rushed to surgery to remove the placenta. I didn't see her again. I didn't even know that I could have seen her again. They asked me if I wanted to see her after getting out of the surgery but I was so exhausted and DH was so ill and so distraught that I said that I didn't need to. I regret that every moment of every day.

The saying good bye process does take a long time and although it drags on I think in the long run you will be glad you had the time. Once you pass a that period of time the cards, flowers, phone calls etc. all stop. Everyone else's life moves forward and you feel like you are still at a stand still. IMO I needed the various venues of saying good bye. To me it was me hanging on to her.

Again I am so sorry about your son. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease the pain. Not having a medical reason for his death will be heart breaking. You just so desperately want to hang your hat on some medical reason. Unfortunately statistics seem to state that quite often there is no medical reason.

And you thought you were long winded!

Antionette

Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

careyayn22's picture
Joined: 09/01/06
Posts: 54

I am so very sorry. Many of us know that pain all to well. I am sorry you have to join us here.

jenagrl's picture
Joined: 02/19/08
Posts: 5

You are so right. As mothers, not only do we take on such joy and happiness, we also take on so much worry and guilt. For the rest of our children's lives, no matter how long that may be. I remember for both of my pregnancies thinking that when I could just hear their hearbeats for that first time...thats only just the beginning.

I have to say that just being able to vent my feelings on here has been so comforting. It gives me hope that I am getting so much support from women who know the pain I feel. And it is a pain like no other.

I know that whether you are pregnant for just a few weeks or ten months you are changed forever. You are a mother. And if you've lost a pregnancy or a child, you are now a mother that will never take for granted how fragile and precious life really is.