Well, today it has been two weeks since I've heard my baby's heartbeat. Everything was perfect. I was so naive.
I was almost 39 weeks, waiting patiently (ok, not so patiently) for my son to decide to make his entrance to this world. Wed I didn't feel him moving. I thought it was because I was so active, walking the mall. Thursday morning I knew something was wrong. Everyone else just figured it must finally be time. The nurse looked for what felt like forever for his heartbeat. Finally the midwife and doctor came in. They confirmed. My baby was dead. As I write this I relive it. How? Why? It didn't matter. He was gone. I chose to birth him naturally, like I had been dreaming of for nine months. I had an epidural with my daughter and was really looking forward to birthing with no interventions. I had my wish. My son, Corbin Michael, was born still at 4:56 pm on Feb 7th. I remember reaching for him as he came out, I just wanted him so bad. As I held him on my chest I couldn't cry. My husband sobbed. But it was our baby. So perfect. The moment I had been waiting for, right? But he would never open his eyes and look at me, nurse from my breast, or take a breath or cry. Finally it hit me and I sobbed as I held him close to my heart. It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. I relive the last nine months in my head over and over. The last week was the "hard" part. Flying home, the wake, the funeral. Burying my son. I need to sleep, my daughter will be up by 7 (on the dot usually) and she needs me. But how can I sleep when I still wake up and think I can feel him inside me?
I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost a son at full term. My loss was nearly seven months ago. I understand your grief and the need to carry on for your daughter. My daughter turned five today. If you ever want a shoulder to cry on, I am just a pm away.
Oh hun, I am so so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I am so sorry you lost your little boy. There are no words that I can say to you that could possibly ease your pain. I just want you to know that I am so terribly sorry and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine your pain right now, so I wont even pretend to. It is so sad that all of the women on this board are bought together through loss, but I am sure you will find support and comfort here. There are alot of women with experiences closer to yours who will be of incredible support to you. I have not been through what you have so probably would not even know where to start with helping you get through ( I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks then d & c) but many of the women on here have been through something similar, and they will be able to offer you the support and advice you need right now. Whilst I cannot imagine what you are going through, I will always be here to listen and offer hundreds of sympathy and support if you ever just want to chat or vent.
I know it probably does not help at all, but I am sure many of us on here will be shedding tears for you, your family, and your little boy. I know I have just reading your post. It is such a tragic loss, one that no parent ever deserves to go through. Please be easy on yourself, allow yourself to be angry and sad. I hope that you have plenty of support around you right now, and hope that you feel that you can come here for any extra you may need. From spending time on these boards I have heard some truly devastating stories, and it never ceases to amaze me the strength that women have within them. I know you will have that strength within you too. I have found time to be a great healer (even though I fully appreciate that your experience is very different from mine) Take it one minute at a time, and do only what you feel able too. Know that we are thinking of you at this sad time.
I am so sorry to hear about your son Corbin. My daughter was born still in August.
The early days of grief are so raw and painful. I found comfort in reading books on infant loss, going to infant loss support groups and in participating in boards like this one. They all helped get me to where I am now but truth be told only time lessens the pain. I have a lot more good days now but I still have bad days. I think of Lily everyday. I don't think that will ever change. I have recently had moments where I realize I am happy, I didn't think that would ever happen.
Lily was also my second child. Thomas my son was three and a half when his sister died. I too had to get up each day and make the best of my grief because Thomas needed me. My DH was very ill during this time. He was on iv anitbiotics and his blood sugars were through the roof while his body was fighting the infections. It was very stressful because then I was fearing the worst for DH.
One thing that I found difficult initially was what to tell Thomas. He knew he was having a sister and I didn't know how to tell him. We sat down with him when I was out of the hospital and explained as best as we could. At the funeral, we had him release a balloon up to heaven for his sister Lily to catch and play with. There is a good book that I ordered from my bookstore that I read with my son. It is called "We Were Gonna Have a Baby but We had an Angel Instead" by Pat Schwierbert. It is a very simplistic picture book. Be prepared for questions that you have already answered to resurface as your daughter gets this abstract concept straight in mind (assuming she is old enough). Thomas says bizzare things and I just patiently explain it to him.
I am here for you if you need to talk. Feel free to PM or email me. There is another area of this board called parenting after loss. I go on there from time to time as well as I still have to parent Thomas and sometimes it can be challenging. You may want to wait awhile to get there as some posts have photos of children/babies.
Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and support. I am still so lost and confused, but continue to take it day by day. I was wondering how everyone else cope(d)(s) with the overwhelming feelings of guilt. You know, if only.., what if.., blah blah. They say I did everything I could, everything right. But what if I'd have gone in just a little earlier. I mean, something happened, right? Gotta love hindsight. The nurse in me searches for the medical explanation I will probably never have. The mother in me knows no explanation will bring my baby back. But, then again, no one can take him away from my heart and soul.
Oh, one other thing. (Sorry, I'm long winded.) After reading posts from women that have been through such similar circumstances, I was wondering if you felt similar to me. Like your baby was taken away so many times in such a short period of time? Does that make sense? The confirming u/s, the birth, saying goodbye, the funeral, over and over again. I don't know. Just wondering.
As a mother, my heart aches for you. I can't imagine the loss and grief you are experiencing.
I've had 2 early m/c's, so I can't comment on the birth and funeral, but my last m/c was really traumatic for me. The baby came out totally in tact while I was at work, and I kept picturing my tiny baby everytime I tried to go to sleep. My husband has some sleeping pills, and I started taking half of one each night. I only needed it for about a week, and then I started sleeping fine on my own. Maybe you can ask your doctor for a prescription. I know having a good night's sleep makes it a lot easier for me to be an attentive mom to my toddler.
I hope you find some comfort here and that we can help support you through the grieving process.
I am so sorry to hear this. I just lost my baby girl 8 weeks ago. I was also full term and like you have no reason why it had to happen to me. I keep reading your posts trying to think of the answers to your questions, but truthfully i don't have any answers. My advice is to take it minute by minute. Don't blame yourself and know that there is nothing you did to cause this and more importantly there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. You are a good mom and your little boy knows how much you love him. I am always here to talk. I hope you have someone you can talk to in real life too. PM me and I will give you my email. Lots of love.