New and Grieving

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Miss Yvi's picture
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New and Grieving

Hi Ladies,

I have never been on this board before. Previously I have been lurking on the Natural birth and First Trimester boards.

However yesterday I got some heartbreakingly devastating news. At a routine visit, I happened to ask my doctor if he could do a quick ultrasound so that I could send the pic to my DH who works away......during the scan (10wks 4 days) he discovered that he could no longer see the heartbeat.

An agonising 4 hour wait for a specialist ultrasound technician revealed that we hadn't just lost one angel, but two. Identical Twins, Due on 30th May next year.

They think that the babies were too close to each other, and their cords fused together so that instead of feeding off my body, they were trying to feed off each others.

It is our second loss in 6 months, and both have been twins. On the one hand it helped alittle to hear that it was twins, because at least they could give me a reason. Before the second opinion scan all I knew was that I had no pain, no bleeding, and extremely severe pregnancy symptoms, and yet here was this doctor telling me that my precious baby was gone. When they explained the rarity of identical twins, and told me that if it hadn't happened now it was sure to have happened later, one on hand it eased my pain because at least I knew that it wasn't that my body had rejected it. On the other hand it hurt ten times more to know that instead of loosing two babies, I have now lost four. four darling bundles I will never get to meet.

We are getting married in February, which gives me something to look forward to, and we will be trying again when we get back from our honeymoon.

But Im sure you can all understand my pain. I know it will be a moment I will treasure forever, but I was supposed to be 6 and a half months pregnant when we are married. To think of waking in the morning, putting on my dress, and then look in the mirror at a flat tummy that is meant to be holding my beautiful children....................

We want children soo badly, as many as we can have, but I don't know how many times I can go through this. the excitement and then the disappointment. Hearing everyone say that it's "not you fault" and "you're young you can try again" just makes it worse.

Thank you for reading and Im sorry its so long. But I'm all on my own at the moment and trying to hold it together, but its just not working.

shellyhudson's picture
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I am so very sorry for your losses. Please come here and let out any and all feelings. Congrats on the impending wedding. Good luck with TTC. I wish you all the best.

Shelly

Uropachild's picture
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I am so sorry you have had to come to this board, but glad you decided to post. The ladies here have helped me in more ways that they know.

I think i understand about the reason affecting how you grieve. For my first loss we had a solid reason and there was nothing anyone could have done about it (apart from the NHS diagnosis, but that's another story). With my second loss it remains unexplained and that leaves me thinking of all the 'what if's' of what i could have done. So, although yes it breaks your heart to know the reason your babies died i think you're right that a reason makes it easier to bear.

Congratulations on your wedding! Smile I got married last February on the 23rd. I know you feel such pain now when you think about getting married without your baby belly, but it is only you who can change that. I guess there are a couple of options. You could try again right away and hope that you are pregnant again when you get married, or you could chose to let your soul heal and not try until your honeymoon.

With the first suggestion it will give you something to focus on until then. Many women after a loss just want to be pregnant again right away and this might help you like that. However, if you have any problems getting pregnant it could add more stress to the day because not only do you not have your twins you also arent pregnant again.

With the second option of not trying until afterwards you will have a period of time in which to get used to the idea of not being pregnant when you get married and when the day comes around although it will still feel bittersweet because of your loss. Hopefully the grieving period will have helped you come to terms with it enough to enjoy the day.

3 months is a long time. While you feel exceptionally painful now, you wont always. And, as much as it is a cliche, it's always true that time is a healer. :comfort:

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I am so sorry for all your losses. I know it took a lot strength and courage for you to try the second time and I am so sad that your twins are no longer with you.
Looking forward to something may help but I agree that the wedding maybe bittersweet.

I am so sorry please come here anytime you need support.
Robin

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I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to find the right time TTC and you are able to heal in the meantime. Congrats on the wedding.

abbyrocks2427's picture
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Im so sorry for your losses.....my loss was unexplained I was 12 wks and I wish I could have been told a reason why this happened but in time I have come to realize many things.Times does heal your heart.I agree with sarah...congrats on the wedding.if you ever need to talk Im a pm away

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I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't much I can add, but this is wonderful group and they have helped me so much. Please come here whenever you need and feel free to PM if you ever want to talk.

Amy

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

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It is difficult enough losing one child but you have lost four and the opportunity to raise twins. I am so sorry for your many losses. Please know that my thoughts are with you.

Time does help to heal but when the grief is new it still hurts. Some days I think I am managing and then it feels like I've been hit head on. I am now approaching the three month anniversary. I am sure that you will think about your darlings on your wedding day but I hope tears of joy will help you overcome your grief for that day. Congratulations on your wedding.

Take Care

Miss Yvi's picture
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Thankyou to everyone for your words.

I know we will move through this grief and try again, and I am so grateful that I can do that. So many women who really deserve a child have trouble, so I am not ungrateful for the blessing of being able to fall pregnant.

It is so hard because I am trying to get up and go on with things...but I still find myself crying at night when Im all by myself, and the worst is waking in the morning. I still keep expecting to wake with the bad sickness I suffered, and when I awake to feel nothing it brings tears to my eyes. I never thought NOT feeling sick would make me so miserable.

People don't know how to deal with me I think, and I am trying to understand because I know it is hard for everyone to know what to say. With the first loss I heard the usual "oh well, it obviously wasnt meant to be, you are young, you can try again....". But with this loss everyone really thought that we were "safe" and that it was going to happen for us this time. So its a real shock to everyone.

It is the silly things that people say that upset me. Like when I mentioned to a friend that DH wanted us to go out riding on the motorbike when he gets home (which he wouldn't let me do while I was pregnant), and while trying to cheer me up, her answer of "Well lucky your not pregnant or you wouldn't be able to go" was far from what I needed to hear. As I said I know it is hard for people to know what to say, so I really try not to take it to heart, but I just wish people would stick to the guideline of "if you don't know what to say, best not to say anything at all".

Uropachild's picture
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I remember that "waking and realising" feeling. Sad I dont have it now because it's been too long, but i used to have it and it hurts bad. Also, because Ada was my second loss, throughout the whole pregnancy i had dreams where i had lost her, but i would wake up and it would take a while to realise i was still pregnant and when i did the relief was amazing! I remember that relief now and wish so hard that i could feel that again because this is all a dream.

The thing about suffering more than one loss, especially when other people know about all of your losses, is the "It'll be alright this time" comments. I just smiled and nodded last time, but if we are blessed again i dont think i'll be able to help snapping at people. I know they mean well, but people shouldnt make promises they can't keep. There are no guarantees that you will be okay, and having one or more losses does not secure you a magic get out of jail free card that ensures you will not have to go through it again. All it does is make you painfully aware of everything that can and will go wrong. Hmmm... maybe i'm not going to be the sweetest of preggo ladies if we are lucky again. :confused: Lol

Miss Yvi's picture
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"uropachild" wrote:

The thing about suffering more than one loss, especially when other people know about all of your losses, is the "It'll be alright this time" comments. I just smiled and nodded last time, but if we are blessed again i dont think i'll be able to help snapping at people. I know they mean well, but people shouldnt make promises they can't keep. There are no guarantees that you will be okay, and having one or more losses does not secure you a magic get out of jail free card that ensures you will not have to go through it again. All it does is make you painfully aware of everything that can and will go wrong. Hmmm... maybe i'm not going to be the sweetest of preggo ladies if we are lucky again. :confused: Lol

I agree totally. I was so aware of every twinge my body made the second time, and every feeling, I was just waiting to feel the pain kick in. It never did so now I know not to rely on that as an indicator, but I did get everyone telling me that I shouldnt be wrapping myself in cotton wool, and I should get up and get out there and go on as if all is normal....well it wasn't normal. And sure, resting didnt help, but if we are blessed again and I want to sit on my butt the entire 9 months because it makes me feel better, then be damn sure I'm going to do it!! If I want a doctors visit or an ultrasound every week to check up on me, then Im going to do it. and I feel sorry for anyone who tries to tell me otherwise! Smile

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I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. This is a good place to be.

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I'm so sorry for all your losses. :bigarmhug: Sad

It's amazing how many times people can stick their big feet in their mouth when you've lost a baby. Then again I get angry when people are silent too so I guess there's no pleasing me.

I wish there were something I could do. :bigarmhug:

Julie

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I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I'm so glad you've found this board
:bigarmhug:

~Amber

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I am so sorry for your double losses. I am glad that you have found this board--it has been helpful to me.

:bigarmhug: