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redwards's picture
Last seen: 7 years 1 month ago
Joined: 09/06/09
Posts: 1
New Here


After 15 years of marriage and not being able to conceive, we had given up and I had accepted the thought that I would never have children of my own. My husband had 5 and we had recently become grandparents. Then on Ash Wednesday, I asked my husband to bring home a preg test, just in case. It was positive, I cried. I was 39 and I was scared, happy and excited. Went to doc everything was fine. I loved being pregnant and when I felt the baby kick, my whole world and life was planned around that baby.

On May 7th, I was 20 weeks and had a sonogram to find the baby's sex. It was a boy. We already had a name picked out - Jaxon. But, I also seemed to have some bulging. Then, the doctor told me I had an incompetent cervix and that I would have to go on bedrest. No problem, I took off from work and stayed in bed. My cervix continued to thin and I was put in the hospital on May 19th. I had another ultrasound on May 21st and the doc on duty told me that it wasn't getting any better, my bulge was bigger and my cervix was thinner. If I wanted to they could help me by inducing labor. If I was tired noone would blame me, she said. I opted to wait it out. Everyday that passed was one day closer to having a "viable" baby. I prayed and prayed. Then on May 29, 2009, I went into labor. It was all over, he didn't make it. I had to bury my baby boy. The worst pain I had ever felt. How could this happen to me. I just knew we were gonna make it.

Everyday, I think of him. Everyday, I cry. I went to the hospital with a baby in my tummy and came out with an angel bear they gave me to take home. We just ordered his grave monument, just another day filled with pain and loss of hope. I would be due on Sept. 24th. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I worried about birth defects because of my age, but my baby was perfectly healthy, I had an incompetent cervix.

Everyone tells me, it will get easier. But, I miss him so much, I had so much planned for us. I think about trying again, but I am so scared. Plus, it took me 15 years the first time. I just don't know what to do. I try to focus on other things, work, etc.. but I always come back to that day.

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. I too had an incompetent cervix with my first child.. She was born still at only 16 weeks, so they called it a miscarriage. I too was on bedrest trying to figure out what to do. I think about my daughter a lot and it has been over 2 years.

I think it is normal to think of your child. You had dreams for him and it takes time for the mourning to begin and personally, I don't think it ever quit goes away

Take care
I am sorry

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. It is not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do caused you to lose your son. It does get easier, but it also takes time. Coming up on your ue date only adds salt to your already bleeding wounded heart. Hang in there.
I am glad you found us and I am glad you had the courage to share your story.

Malenkaya's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 54

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are really no words and I can't begin to know how that feels having "only" suffered from m/c, but you are in my thoughts. I am new to this board but not this site and I hope you will find many new friends here and lots of support. You are in the right place.

Last seen: 3 years 9 months ago
Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 66

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It will take a lot more time for it to get easier.

FLSunshineMom's picture
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you've had to go through. :bighug:

cdokter's picture
Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I"m so sorry. Daily life does get easier. But don't feel bad if it takes a long time. You've been through hel1 and need a lot of time to heal.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. While time does help heal the hurt a little, the pain will never fully go away, IMO. We're all here for you when you need our shoulders to cry on. Thinking of you!

Legal Gal's picture
Last seen: 6 years 11 months ago
Joined: 06/24/09
Posts: 56

You definitely need time to heal... I can't even imagine. It sounds like you are very strong and have a very supportive family to help you through. We are all here for you.