new here :( (m/c ment/child ment)

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
new here :( (m/c ment/child ment)

I wish that I didn't have to post here, but I feel like this is a place where everyone can understand what I am feeling. On Thursday night I went to bed, happy and excited about the new life growing inside me. On Friday morning I woke up and discovered that I was bleeding and everything changed. I called the doctor who told me to go to the ER where my worst fears were confirmed. I can't adequately put into words the depth of my sadness. I had to go in for a follow-up appointment today and the nurse was asking the routine check-in questions and she asked when my last period was and then said, "so you are pregnant..." and I had to tell her, "no, I'm here as a follow-up after having a miscarriage." Saying that word makes me lose it. I feel like I am in a bad dream and I can't wake up from it. IRL I have only told the few people that knew about the pregnancy- immediate family and one friend. So far, talking about it does not help...I think partially because I haven't talked to anyone that has been through this hell themselves. I don't know what I expect people to say, but what they have been saying so far- ("at least you know you are fertile" "at least you already have a child" (because I have a DS who is almost 2) "hang in there- you'll get over it" "at least it was so early", etc.) is not helping. I can't get it out of my mind when I was in the ER and the corpsman that was assigned to me asked why I was there and I told her that I was pregnant, but that I was afraid that I was having a m/c and her response was, "oh, congratulations on being pregnant! That is so exciting! Do you want a boy or a girl?" I wanted to slap her!

I do have some friends IRL that have been through this in the past. In most cases, I didn't know about their losses until a long time after they had happened. I am torn about contacting one of them to talk because I don't want to re-open the pain for them. I feel alone, even though I know that this is way too common.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I am so sorry. People can be extreamly insensitive (most of the time they don't even mean to be). I know how much it hurts every time someone says something stupid. It's been five months and I'm still a bit sensative. I had similar things happen with Drs. and nurses. I can't believe so many of them are so bad at thier jobs. Thank god for the few really good ones. Again, I'm so sorry.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs hon. I am so sorry for your loss, and I too get tired of the stupid things ppl say (it wasn't the right time, at least it was early, you are stronger than I am, blah blah blah). A nice, I am so sorry would suffice. When I found out about my first m/c I called the two women I knew well who had also suffered losses. I don't think it would reopen the pain, as it is always there, and both of them were just wonderful. I am sorry for the stupid er doc too. Sad

The women here are wonderful and have been my solace in the past year.

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
Joined: 11/14/06
Posts: 212

I am sorry for ur loss. I too know what its like for people to be so insensative. Im sorry you have to experience this pain and peoples insensativity. We are here for you

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss.

It is hard to hear what people have to say, even though they are trying to be comforting and helpful.

The pain will come and it will go much like waves in the ocean. It has to be felt in order to fully grieve and to heal.

Please, come here and vent, cry, babble, whatever you may need.

Oh and that "at least it was early" crap is just that crap. We all know how instantaneously we become a mother at the sight of that BFP. Your loss is no less devastating than for someone who has lost their child at full term.

:bigarmhug: we are here for you whenever you need us.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry you're here. :bighug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. I could completely relate to what you shared about.

It's extremely hard at first. But we're all here for you, and we're going to help you through this. Please write in as often, and whenever, you want to.

We understand, we care & (in all of my time here on this board), I have never seen an insensitive comment that's been written in. This is an "emotionally safe" place to be.

Big bear hugs,

youbeme's picture
Joined: 07/08/08
Posts: 29

I am so so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking to go through this and so many "why me's" and "what if's" will follow. Mine is still a fresh wound, but every day gets a little easier. We are here for you and talking with people who understand really helps!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Im so sorry that you had to go through that! I would have lost it and hit someone Wink I sure hope that you can find, As I have that this is a great place to come, and Ive only been here for a week! No matter when your loss it is very real and felt just as painfully as the next! I sure hope that you are feeling well. Please pop in when you need to.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please let things people say roll off your back. They really do mean well, but lack the common sense since they have not been through it.

I hope this does not offend you, but I find it comforting.
Most loving God, losing a child is devastating.
Bless all women, and especially those who have had a miscarriage. Comfort them in their loss. Give them hope for children to come. Bless them with an abundance of love that as their bodies heal, so too may their hearts. Give then the courage to face each new day in the confidence of your love; in the name of Jesus Christ we pray

Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 161

You mentioned that you have some friends who have been through a miscarriage, but that you are concerned about bringing their pain back.

While, yes, it will bring it back, talking about it with someone who knows what it really feels like can be so healing. My ruptured ectopic was almost a year ago and I still need to talk about it.

Plus, for those of us who have been through it and survived, maybe even with our marriage and our sanity intact, talking to someone who is in the thick of it reminds us that we did survive, and that we've had some healing. Or, if we haven't had healing, talking about it can bring healing. We cry for those who are in that hellish place while acknowledging the grace that got us to where we are.

It was months before I didn't think about the loss every single day. Yes, I still had my life, technically anyway. I went to work, spent time with my DH, even struggled on the inside while I was with friends (despite feeling so alienated from them that they didn't seem like friends anymore). But, a few months ago, my heart lightened somewhat. I could spend time with friends again and it feel like friendship. I found joy in my life again.

Anyway, sorry, all I meant to say was that your friends might appreciate your talking with them, even if it does bring up the pain. The pain never totally goes away, it just gets buried, and eventually heals, but it doesn't magically evaporate, ever.

ducknjay's picture
Joined: 10/11/05
Posts: 71

I am so sorry hun!

The PP's are right, you've got to ignore the awful things people say. Many of which are said in an effort to comfort you, which sometimes makes it even worse.

I highly recommend you talk to the friends who've been through this. I think you'll find they will gladly speak to you and help you through it.

Talking about it was very important to me while I was in the midst of it!

Hang in there hun and post here whenever you need. You'll find much love and understanding here.

MySweetAGL's picture
Joined: 08/26/04
Posts: 81

I've said it before, but I do want to say again that I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know how you feel about not having anyone to talk to... the only people who knew in my life were dh (who said he finds it hard to grow attached to something that he can't see) and my mom (who said I need to stop getting pregnant).

Unfortunately, some people don't really consider early losses to be losses at all. It really is painful.

Please know that I'm always here to talk, and this board is a great place to share your feelings.