New here... Please help, I'm feeling horribly down about my MC

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Joined: 12/03/08
Posts: 7
New here... Please help, I'm feeling horribly down about my MC

Hi everyone... my name is Stephanie. I am 22 and I can't stop crying. April and May have been the most up and down I have ever been through. In April I lost 2 very dear friends of mine 2 weeks apart. 2 days after the second one passed, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and scared and nervous. My boyfriend and I hadn't been trying although I really really wanted a baby so I was extremely excited. I told him and he was so upset. He didn't talk to me for a week. When he decided TO talk to me he asked me to end the pregnancy and I of course couldn't do that. He told me if I didn't, then it was unlikely that he would stick around, but if I did, then we could work on our relationship and be happy again. I told him absolutely not. We have been off and on for 8 years so it was the biggest shock of my life to hear him say these terrible things. I decided to keep my baby knowing I would lose him. So 2 everything had been going fine until I went in for my first ultrasound on Monday. I was so excited to see my baby for the first time and hear my baby's heartbeat. Instead, the u/s tech told me she only saw an empty gestational sac of about 6 weeks and 4 days meaning that the baby had just stopped developing. I was a wreck. My boyfriend got there right as she was telling me this. I was sent for blood work yesterday and go for more on Thursday. I don't understand how this could be possible. I have had only slight normal cramping, and very very veryyyyy minor brown spotting. Nothing to make me feel like I was m/c'ing. I am trying to go into my mom's OBGYN today for a second opinion. My doctor told me that my body still thinks its pregnant and if it doesn't expel it itself, I will have to have surgery (a D&C). I am so heartbroken and my boyfriend... all he can say is that he is relieved and I should take my 1 or 2 days or a week to get over it and move on... HOW CALLOUS?!?!?! How can you say that? He tried to tell me, "Steph it stopped developing at 6 weeks anyway, it's not like it was a baby yet." I asked him to take off work last night so he could comfort me and he wouldn't. Needless to say I am walking away from him. I am so hurt in so many ways and grieving so much. On top of it, my sister is 7 months along and I am so jealous. I am happy for her but so sad for my loss. Does anyone have any advice? Suggestions? Similar situations? Please, I really need help...!! ='[

:angel7: - I carry your hearts in mine. 8/08, 5/09

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

Oh I am so sorry for you. To loose so many people when you need support must be terrible. Your boyfriend has ticked me off and I don't even know him...LoL...I've been really lucky. My hubby is a huge support for me and it makes all the difference. My advice would be to find someone you can talk to that you don't feel ashamed to admit all your terrible feelings to. It helps to get it out to someone who can at least nod sympathetically. These women are great too. Write here as often as you like. I had a "missed M/c" too last April when I lost my first. No one told me. My Dr. said that everything was probably fine and that I was a few weeks off on my date when I got a similar utrsound. I found out later that they called it a nonviable right there. I carried my dead baby for another month and I finally had a very painful m/c at home. i was eight weeks at the u/s but that baby was only five or six weeks and I carried until 12. I don't know why it was so painfull since this time (I lost another one this April) it was more like a very very heavy period. The babies were the same age. I think I was septic from carrying so long past the death. I know this is a lot of info. This is the first time I've written it all down and it sounds terrible. I was terrible. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you a m/c story too. Someitmes it helps to know that other people get what your going through. A baby is a baby no matter what age it is. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Joined: 12/03/08
Posts: 7

cdokter -- thank you for sharing. A big part of me keeps wanting to believe it's not real. I keep wanting to believe that they missed something and that my baby is fine. But I know otherwise. It's so awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through it too. I had another MC last August. I'm scared that there is something wrong you know??

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs hon. I had a similar story almost 2 yrs ago. I went for my first appt when I was 9wks along, and the doc could not find the baby with portable u/s machine, so the next day I went for an u/s, and it was a 6wk sac only. My doc was great and said to make sure by doing the bloodwork and another u/s in a week. My levels were like 29,000 and then 41,000, which were not doubling, but still going up. I had the u/s a week later, and still the sac was the same size, and by then I should have been 10wks. I wanted to avoid the d&c, because I was so scared. My doc advised waiting for no more than 2wks from finding out, and it was not happening. So at almost 12wks I had the d&c. It was not as bad I had thought. The waiting before for a m/c to happen was just awful, every time I got a sharp cramp or started spotting I was just sure that it was happening, and canceled dental appts and other things... and nothing.

Unfortunately, my next pregnancy ended at 9wks when we found no heartbeat (there had been one 2wks earlier) and I opted for an immediate d&c, because the waiting for me was just torture.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend has been so awful through this terrible time when you could have really used the support! :bigarmhug: I agree with cdokter, find someone you can vent about even the ugly things too, like being jealous of other preggos and such. And vent here, it has been a huge comfort to me.

ajmsMommy's picture
Joined: 05/05/09
Posts: 288

Hugs! I'm sorry to hear about your loss and all the tough things you're going through right now.

Here's my story:

I started bleeding last Monday, and it continued until Friday when I finaly m/c's. My first u/s was supposed to be Thursday, but my doc got me in Wed. Since I hadn't had a period since before my son was born, I never knew how far along I was. The u/s was horrible. The tech made my DH wait outside, then she examined me for a couple minutes. I asked her if everything was ok, and she just said she had to do a couple more measurements first. A few minutes later, she told me I was done and that the radiologist would send my Dr a report in about 3 days. She never showed me the screen or anything, and when I asked if she could say if the baby was even alive, she said "The radiologist will put that in his report.' i asked if DH could come in now, and she told me there was no point because there was nothing to see. I flipped out and went running out of the office. Then, 2 days later still with no results, I m/c'd. I went to the hospital and completed it there. The Dr removed the fetus and told me by the size of the placenta she estimated I was about 12 weeks. I'm really glad I went to the hospital because the thought of passing something that size at home would have totally freaked me out. I've never had a D&C per se, but I think that's the route I'd go. Better to have the support of medical staff with you, IMO.

Everyone on here is awesome and supportive, so write as much as you want. Sometimes it just helps to know that you're not alone. I can totally sympathize about seeing pregnant ladies. I have a good friend who's having twins next week and we want to get together but I don't know if I can handle it right now.

Lots of hugs and positive energy to you!

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271


I'm so sorry for your loss. I had that same disappointment at my u/s. The baby was there, but was measuring 2 weeks behind. I went for a follow-up 2 weeks later only to discover that my precious little angel had stopped growing at 6w2d (I should have been 9w4d). I had an S&C the next day, and after 2 long months and a second S&C I'm on the road to recovery and anxiously awaiting the time we may begin TTC again.

I just want you to know that we are all here for you. When you need to vent, cry, or share happy news, we're all here for you! :bigarmhug:

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I'm so sorry. I lost my little one in February, and less than a week later the father and I broke up. We actually broke up before I lost the baby, he tried to be there but then for whatever reason decided I had been lying about having been pregnant (I offered to pee on a stick and watch the pretty colours, he declined). It's difficult losing the baby, and the baby's father. He said much the same thing to me as your's said to you. I asked him if he hurt over this at all, and he said "No, because it wasn't a person yet". I was seven weeks gestation. I didn't m/c, I had to terminate for medical reasons, it was a horrible decision and one I had to make alone. My heart still is torn into bits. I share a couple classes with the father of the baby, as much as I hate him at this time, whenever I see him I want to scream at him that the baby was his too, why doesn't he hurt over this? That she wasn't just my daughter, but his as well. I work in a genetics lab, I saw the reasults of the genetic ananlysis. I know the baby was a girl, I know general physical characteristics. I know that the embryo was healthy, the inability to carry was on my side.
I'm so sorry you had to go through something similar, it hurts horribly. Men sometimes don't understand the pain of what we go through. Physically they don't have the hormonal ups and downs, and to them it wasn't real, wasn't tangible. They don't carry the little life inside them. They don't think of it as "baby", not the way we do. I can't tell you this gets better, or that you will ever "be over" this. I don't think that is true, or at least it hasn't for me yet. Eventually you will hurt a little less often and every second won't be a fight. Keep talking, it has helped me a lot. We have all gone through the hurt, and are all trying to move forwards as best we can.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

ajmsmommy, I am so sorry for your loss as well, and that you had such a horrible tech. Hugs!