No where else to talk....(ch & loss ment.)

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Joined: 02/02/07
Posts: 10
No where else to talk....(ch & loss ment.)

For those that don't know me I have lost 3 little ones. My first 2 were early m/c. My last was my DD's twin mid way through my pregnancy. I had a really hard time after finding out Aiden has passed away. I never acctually "lost" him. I had to continue on with my pregnancy....hoping that Brynn would continue on ok.

Brynn's brith was a fine...afterwards though was horrible. I don't want to upset you all with too many details but she had to "search" for Aidens remains.....all with no pain meds for me. She was also very heartless once she found them.

So, needless to say Brynn's Birthday is a happy yet very hard day for me. I still have flashbacks of what happened afterwards. I consider that day Aiden's Angel day also. Last year DH and I took Brynn outside and released balloon's for Aiden.

I am having an even harder time this year. DH has decided he does not want to have anymore children. I thought I would be ok with that. I'm not. For so many months were were going to be a family of 6. Ever since seeing 2 little babes on that u/s things felt right for me....complete. Then a few u/s later that was shattered. I just don't feel done, I don't know if I ever will now.

I have seen a therapist. She had me make a memory box for Aiden. So I have aplace to go and look at all the u/s pictures and things I have to remember him. She said once I did that I should move on and put it all behind me. Well, as you can tell....it didn't work.

I just can't seem to find a way to be at peace with this. I can't seem to move on from it like everyone thinks I should.

I am soooo grateful for my 3 children I do have. The ache for my little ones not here though seems to never get any better.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for you loss. I can imagine that Brynn's birthday is a very bittersweet one for you. I am sorry that you don't feel better--my loss is very recent so I don't have any words of wisdom--just that I feel that this board has been a lifesaver for me and I hope that someone else here can help.

:bigarmhug:

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

Aw what a hard day. ((HUGS)) I dont really have any advice but I dont think people who have never lost a child realize that you never put it behind you completely.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for your loss, and for people who think there is a time limit to grief. Sad

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the bittersweet day that Brynn's birthday is for you. I think that the therapist had a good idea with the memory box. However, I cannot fathom how a trained professional could tell you to put it all behind you and move on. I know that some day I will be able to move forward but I will never move on. I have to learn to adapt to this new normal. Nothing will ever be the same and there will always be a member of the family missing. I pray that you find peace and strength.

Shelly

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it must be having a constant reminder of what Aiden might have looked like and how old he would be. I think bittersweet is definately the right word.

:bighug:

Your therapist was wrong in telling you to move on. None of us ever move on. Like Shelly said, we just learn to adapt to this new normal and life becomes different.

I think i understand what you mean about your family not feeling complete. I also know what you mean about wanting to try again to fill the painful space left by the baby that died. The thing is though, no matter how many babies you have after Aiden you will always feel like someone is missing, because they are. DH and i are a family of 4, it's just that our babies aren't with us.

Unfortunately i can see that even if we do manage to take home a healthy baby we will still think about our two angels often and imagine what they would be like, how they would play with their living sibling etc. No subsequent child replaces the other so that the grief goes away.

They just give you something happy to focus on, and maybe a chance to "get it right" this time. (Not that i'm saying you did anything wrong, i just know that the psychology of guilt rides high with some of us. Me included sometimes).

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I so agree with Shelly. I think you longing to have another child is because you feel something is missing and it is but having another child will not replace the one you lost. I don't have any children and I am not sure if I will ever be READY to try again. I admire that you want more, but are you sure you want it for the right reasons?

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace, as much as possible, soon.

(((HUGS))))
Robin

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom. I haven't been here all that long, but from talking to these wonderful ladies I have to agree with what the previous people said. You will always think of them, always miss them, and wonder 'what might have been'. My first EDD is still a while away and I wonder how big I would be by now, what cravings I might still have and all that. And I was talking to a classmate the other day about everything, he has 3 kids and a loss. His first child was lost at 7 months after some guy beat up his girlfriend. They never found the guy and the baby didn't survive. The first thing my classmate said to me was 'Samatha would be 10'. I knew then that it won't ever stop, I will have to find a way to live with it and adapt.