For those that don't know me I have lost 3 little ones. My first 2 were early m/c. My last was my DD's twin mid way through my pregnancy. I had a really hard time after finding out Aiden has passed away. I never acctually "lost" him. I had to continue on with my pregnancy....hoping that Brynn would continue on ok.
Brynn's brith was a fine...afterwards though was horrible. I don't want to upset you all with too many details but she had to "search" for Aidens remains.....all with no pain meds for me. She was also very heartless once she found them.
So, needless to say Brynn's Birthday is a happy yet very hard day for me. I still have flashbacks of what happened afterwards. I consider that day Aiden's Angel day also. Last year DH and I took Brynn outside and released balloon's for Aiden.
I am having an even harder time this year. DH has decided he does not want to have anymore children. I thought I would be ok with that. I'm not. For so many months were were going to be a family of 6. Ever since seeing 2 little babes on that u/s things felt right for me....complete. Then a few u/s later that was shattered. I just don't feel done, I don't know if I ever will now.
I have seen a therapist. She had me make a memory box for Aiden. So I have aplace to go and look at all the u/s pictures and things I have to remember him. She said once I did that I should move on and put it all behind me. Well, as you can tell....it didn't work.
I just can't seem to find a way to be at peace with this. I can't seem to move on from it like everyone thinks I should.
I am soooo grateful for my 3 children I do have. The ache for my little ones not here though seems to never get any better.