The below post shows my sad raw emotion. Please do not read if you are at a place it would upset you..........
I havn't vented much this time around but I have to let it all out. Yesterday I played hookey from work sick but really I just needed to stay home. I have painted and painted and painted walls, cupboards, floors and more in my house. It seems to be my way of coping these days as I wait to ttc again. I tell myself to go ahead and do it now as I don't want to be painting while ttcing. Makes it seem productive toward ttc.
In 13 days my EDD from my first pregnancy will be here. I just keep asking myself what happened and why god didn't think I was ready for this little one. I was so ready. Maybe too ready too soon. Each night when going to bed my foot hits the little crib we bought our little one. It's kept under ours so it won't get mildewy in a closet somewhere. I put it there so I don't see it everyday... but I do. I have made what would have been his/her nursery to a spare bedroom for now. But the chest in the corner holds baby monitors, blankets and more. I put it there so I don't see it everyday... but I know what's in there everytime I look at it. My mom had already made the baby his/her first blanket....
Pampers and baby cupons keep ariving almost daily in the mail from those companies I signed up for online ( alot of them because I was newly pregnant and so happy). Some days I have the strength to look at the expiry and say, oh this will still be good for next time and put it away, but other times it is just reminder of what I don't have. My husband tries to joke and say... we've got a good supply of diapers for next time... but it only helps sometimes. Especially when the titles on the reading materials all say "so you're soon to be a new mom".
I do not feel these feelings every day now. They are getting less. But when they do come they knock me off my feet...hence staying home. I feel so much more sad over the first loss I had at 13 weeks then the 2nd I had right after at 6 weeks (no fetal pole). I gues sit is because I had seen the baby in the 1st and it was to be my very first pregnancy with its due date so close. I feel guilty about it. But in the 2nd pregnancy I think I felt it was going to go wrong and in the 1st I was so oblivious the pain was so intense as I still thought that couldn't happen to me.
That brings me to ttc. I have asked myself if I am ready and I honestly know that I am. Yes I still have these feelings... but they aren't as frequent and I know I'll always think of those babies that aren't here. Can I handle another loss? No... who can???? I do not want to be in the 3 loss club. They place so much emphasis on 'after 3 we investigate" here in canada but I never want to find out there is anything wrong with me and would rather just have a healthy baby "third times a charm" approach. I am terrified at ever becoming a "high risk". But I am at a place where moving forward is the only thing keeping me going. These 3 cycles were long to wait but I knew I just had to. There is 10 days left til a new cycle and 13 to my EDD. The mixed emotions hurt but my longing for a baby hurts too.
Thank you for listening. You gals are the only ones I could ever share how I feel with who would understand.