The below post shows my sad raw emotion. Please do not read if you are at a place it would upset you..........
I havn't vented much this time around but I have to let it all out. Yesterday I played hookey from work sick but really I just needed to stay home. I have painted and painted and painted walls, cupboards, floors and more in my house. It seems to be my way of coping these days as I wait to ttc again. I tell myself to go ahead and do it now as I don't want to be painting while ttcing. Makes it seem productive toward ttc.
In 13 days my EDD from my first pregnancy will be here. I just keep asking myself what happened and why god didn't think I was ready for this little one. I was so ready. Maybe too ready too soon. Each night when going to bed my foot hits the little crib we bought our little one. It's kept under ours so it won't get mildewy in a closet somewhere. I put it there so I don't see it everyday... but I do. I have made what would have been his/her nursery to a spare bedroom for now. But the chest in the corner holds baby monitors, blankets and more. I put it there so I don't see it everyday... but I know what's in there everytime I look at it. My mom had already made the baby his/her first blanket....
Pampers and baby cupons keep ariving almost daily in the mail from those companies I signed up for online ( alot of them because I was newly pregnant and so happy). Some days I have the strength to look at the expiry and say, oh this will still be good for next time and put it away, but other times it is just reminder of what I don't have. My husband tries to joke and say... we've got a good supply of diapers for next time... but it only helps sometimes. Especially when the titles on the reading materials all say "so you're soon to be a new mom".
I do not feel these feelings every day now. They are getting less. But when they do come they knock me off my feet...hence staying home. I feel so much more sad over the first loss I had at 13 weeks then the 2nd I had right after at 6 weeks (no fetal pole). I gues sit is because I had seen the baby in the 1st and it was to be my very first pregnancy with its due date so close. I feel guilty about it. But in the 2nd pregnancy I think I felt it was going to go wrong and in the 1st I was so oblivious the pain was so intense as I still thought that couldn't happen to me.
That brings me to ttc. I have asked myself if I am ready and I honestly know that I am. Yes I still have these feelings... but they aren't as frequent and I know I'll always think of those babies that aren't here. Can I handle another loss? No... who can???? I do not want to be in the 3 loss club. They place so much emphasis on 'after 3 we investigate" here in canada but I never want to find out there is anything wrong with me and would rather just have a healthy baby "third times a charm" approach. I am terrified at ever becoming a "high risk". But I am at a place where moving forward is the only thing keeping me going. These 3 cycles were long to wait but I knew I just had to. There is 10 days left til a new cycle and 13 to my EDD. The mixed emotions hurt but my longing for a baby hurts too.
Thank you for listening. You gals are the only ones I could ever share how I feel with who would understand.
You have a right to all your feelings...good, bad, happy or sad. There yours. I'm sorry for your losses. I just lost my baby at 11 weeks, so I can sorta relate. Maybe you could move the crib so you dont stub your toe and you dont keep brining the losses to the front of your mind every night? It might help, it might not. We moved our bedroom downstairs and what was to ber the babies room is empty. All our well wishers say we should move back upstairs. That won't help me feel any better. Try things and see what works. People gave me a few gifts and I still have them, my DH put them somewhere that I wont stare at them everyday. Best of luck and take one day at a time. You'll get there.
Oh sweetie i feel your pain too! It's so hard to carry on living in a house where there are so many reminders of what we almost had. We had just started to decorate the nursery (we had done it once for Zane, but decided to change rooms to have it different). Now it's just been left and neither of us feels much like picking up from where we left off because we wont be turning it into a nursery this time, just a spare room containing nursery furniture.
Those reminders can be so hard, and it's when we come across them unexpectedly that it hurts the most for us. I'm used to popping in and out of the old nursery now for stuff and the baby things around the house sometimes are just things. On saying that though, sometimes you need to let it all out. I will go and stand in the nursery looking at all of my babies things that they will never get to use or wear and it hurts so much. I cry and cry and cry and then i feel better after that. For a while.
As for the coupons and things, luckily for some reason we dont get many. I did get a brochure in the port though for first birthday stuff and that got to me. Zane would have been 1 in less than a month. I went through my email and unsubscribed to all the happy pregnancy updates i'd asked for this last time. (Memo to self - do NOT sign up for those bloody things if you ever get preggo again!)
With trying again i have no nuggets of wisdom. I hated that people said "It will be okay this time" and feel like i want to go back to them now and ask how they feel about making a promise they had no power to keep. So, there's no way i am going to say to you that everything will be okay if you do decide to TTC again. I wouldnt do that to you.
Last time, before we were shat on again i said that i knew i was ready to try again because when i thought of being pregnant i was more excited than i was scared. As i am now those figures dont add up, i am considerably more scared than excited when i imagine being pregnant and i can't imagine it being any different. Just think about how you feel. Are you more scared still or more excited? If it's the latter, maybe you're ready? Unfortunately those naive days of innocent, enjoyable first pregnancies are behind us.
Sorry for being a pessimistic old cow! I know though that you'll understand from one 'two losses' gal to another.
Sorry you had such a hard day. I have no words of wisdom for you. I wish that I did. I just know that we survive one moment at a time. Every once in a while those moments may string into an hour or a day but at other times it is good just to make it through a single moment. Damien's EDD was so very very hard for both DH and myself. I just cried and cried. It didn't help that I had a meeting with the guy in charge of the hospital on that day. As a pp has said everything you are feeling you are entitled to feel. We all know the profound grief and sorrow but we all go through it differently. As Sarah said, are you more excited about getting pg or are you more scared? That is a major factor. I hope that you are able to achieve the results that you want. I wish you peace and serenity.
Last edited by shellyhudson; 09-18-2007 at 08:13 PM.
Reason: remove siggy
Last time, before we were shat on again i said that i knew i was ready to try again because when i thought of being pregnant i was more excited than i was scared.
I took some time to think about the above quote and answer that question and I am more excited than scared. I guess I wouldn't be counting down the days to ttc if I wasn't. I am still so very scared but I am going to have to put the fears aside as much as I can if there is any hope. I think with your advice I have come to peace with the question of ttcing again and feel like I am ready to move forward. Thank you for making me ask myself that question. It has done wonders in allowing me to know that it's okay. It is hard because there are no guarantees and I think to face another loss would make me want to give up. But all I can do is live in the moment and pray it all works out. I am hoping for a BFP in the weeks to come.