Yesterday was 83 days since our daughter died. I know it is dumb to keep up with the number of days. I don't mean to, it is just the first thought I have had every morning since she died.
I got home from work yesterday. My sister in law called me to tell me that she thinks that she is having a girl. She is an ob nurse and they did an ultra sound at work the night before. I know her baby is not mine. All I can ever think of is that her baby was getting life at the exact same time mine was dying. Now, she gets a girl. She has a boy that is four. All she freakin' needs is a white picket fence to make her whole damn life perfect. It isn't fair. I almost hate her...and she is my best friend. I started crying when she told me. She started crying too. She tried to console me by saying that she thought Tessa had something to do with this. She said that her baby had some of my Tessa's soul. All I could think of was that she has my baby then.
Now, I KNOW that the baby she is carrying is hers and not ours...but I am so scared, helpless, and dead inside. We are doing ivf in June. I am so scared that I am going to lose my mind. I am scared that I am going to ruin everything with all the stress that I am feeling. I'm just scared.
My sister in law didn't mean in any way to hurt me. Just seeing her hurts. What do I do?
I am on BC pills and I have 11 more days to go. I will have an ultrasound on June 13th to see if I have ovarian cysts. I get them when I am on BC, they will aspirate them that day and I will start Gonal F the next day for 6 days. We are planning to do ER the last week in June and 3 days later put embies back in.
I'm so afraid. I'm afraid it will work and I'll miscarry again. I'm afraid it won't work and we will have to live childless. I was meant to be a mother. I don't know how people afford to adopt. I wish I could just turn my brain off.
I have been avoiding my sister in law...but she was so good to us when Tess died....and honestly, I hate being around her now but when I am not, I miss her. ~sigh~