It was one year ago today that i woke up to attend an ordinary midwifes appointment. I was just 25 weeks pregnant and everything felt normal. The baby hadn't been moving that morning, but that wasn't unusual for her - she wasn't a morning person.
At my appointment the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, so she sent me through to the hospital for an ultrasound scan. I picked up my mum on the way. The sonographer couldn't find the heartbeat. Our daughter had died.
Our world had been torn apart for a second time.
We arranged a full post mortem with all available tests included and we could not find a reason for her passing. The results showed a sudden lack of oxygen, but no reason for that. It was speculated that there may have been a kink in the cord, but we have no evidence of that.
There's no feeling in the world like being told your baby is dead and it's even worse to have to break that news to your husband at work.
Our beautiful Ada would have been born on 14th December 2007, if she wasn't born too soon, although we will always celebrate her birthday on the day she was born into heaven. We have bought a helium balloon, which we will be releasing today and taking photographs to put into my scrapbook.
This year has flown by and brought us many things. We are expecting a baby brother or sister for Zane & Ada and each day brings a strange mix of sadness, happiness and panic. We kind of feel like it is inevitable that this baby will die too, and we are already at peace with that. It's what we're used to i guess.
I am a completely different person to the Sarah i remember from 3 years ago, before this all happened. I have grown in so many ways and been stunted in so many other ways too. This experience of loss has impacted every facet of my life, in strange ways i don't realise until i think about it. Some of them positively and some negatively. This whole thing has become such a huge part of who i am because i think about it every day. There's not one single day that goes by where i don't think about what could have been and what happened to take that away. But, i'm not so sad anymore... just resigned i think.
Thank you for reading my random thoughts and thank you for taking a moment to remember our daughter on her birthday.
In loving memory of Ada
Our darling daughter, who was born into heaven one year ago on 7 September 2007.
The hole you left in our hearts will never heal sweetie, and the joy you brought us for such a brief time will never be forgotten.
I know you and your brother watch over us, because i can feel you there and it comforts me.
We love you little princess. ~ Mum & Dad. xxx