Today is the day that changed everything for me one year ago. I started bleeding a year ago today and through the course of the week, I lost my baby at 7 weeks. In the past year, I have been angry and sad and have cried many times, strangely today I feel peaceful and calm, in the past couple of days I have started talking to my sweet angel, who for some reason I believe would have been my third beautiful daughter, as I have been blessed already twice.
I have been back and forth so many times in the past year, wondering what I could have done differently, if I would have called the doctor as soon as I realized I was bleeding would it have changed anything? Why was it necessary for me to have this experience, did I exceed my limit in the luck department? Did I just need to learn something?
One year has past and I really do not have the answers to these questions, I am so angry and sad, I should be celebrating my child's first Christmas instead of the anniversary of my loss.
We have been TTC for several months now to no avail and next month I will go see my doctor to see if there is a problem or if I just need to relax. I know I am blessed already but I cannot explain the whole that is in my heart with the desire to hold another baby in my arms. I do not feel complete yet, and sometimes that makes me feel so selfish as I have been told so many times in the past year that I should be greatful for what I have already since there are so many women who have no children, and although I know that to be true, it doesn't lessen the pain for me.
I also want to thank all of you wonderful girls so much, and my cousin who understands how I feel and the need to talk, if she didn't direct me to this site I would never have survived the first few months afterwards, I didn't understand how I was feeling, and through talking to you'll I was able to understand, deal and finally start to heal.
I am so sorry that we all had to "meet" under these sad circumstances but I am so grateful to have had the support of all of you in the past year!
Thank you for reading and for all of your support.