Today is the day that changed everything for me one year ago. I started bleeding a year ago today and through the course of the week, I lost my baby at 7 weeks. In the past year, I have been angry and sad and have cried many times, strangely today I feel peaceful and calm, in the past couple of days I have started talking to my sweet angel, who for some reason I believe would have been my third beautiful daughter, as I have been blessed already twice.
I have been back and forth so many times in the past year, wondering what I could have done differently, if I would have called the doctor as soon as I realized I was bleeding would it have changed anything? Why was it necessary for me to have this experience, did I exceed my limit in the luck department? Did I just need to learn something?
One year has past and I really do not have the answers to these questions, I am so angry and sad, I should be celebrating my child's first Christmas instead of the anniversary of my loss.
We have been TTC for several months now to no avail and next month I will go see my doctor to see if there is a problem or if I just need to relax. I know I am blessed already but I cannot explain the whole that is in my heart with the desire to hold another baby in my arms. I do not feel complete yet, and sometimes that makes me feel so selfish as I have been told so many times in the past year that I should be greatful for what I have already since there are so many women who have no children, and although I know that to be true, it doesn't lessen the pain for me.
I also want to thank all of you wonderful girls so much, and my cousin who understands how I feel and the need to talk, if she didn't direct me to this site I would never have survived the first few months afterwards, I didn't understand how I was feeling, and through talking to you'll I was able to understand, deal and finally start to heal.
I am so sorry that we all had to "meet" under these sad circumstances but I am so grateful to have had the support of all of you in the past year!
Thank you for reading and for all of your support.
I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you are calm and at peace a year later. It gives me some hope that I will not feel so sad all the time forever. I know you still miss your little one and I know you have a whole in your heart, I think that is only natural, but the fact that you are calm today shows me that there is some light at the end of this dark tunnel. Thank you for sharing.
I hope you remain calm and peaceful today. I hope the dr. gives you good news and answers your questions.
I am sorry you have to spend this Christmas without your little one too. I am sorry for all of us this holiday season.
Mum to... Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006 Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and for taking time out of your lives to include us in your prayers today, it is much appreciated. I could never have gotten to this stage where I feel somewhat at peace if I wasn't able to come here and say how I was feeling, you are all in my thoughts during this holiday season.
I am so very sorry for your loss. The myriad of emotions seems totally normal to me. That said, I am just coming up on five months. I am sorry that you have to deal with others that just don't understand. Yet, I believe that we are thankful that so many don't understand. I wish you peace. Shelly