Over-analyzing reasons for m/c...

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~ Sherri ~'s picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 7
Over-analyzing reasons for m/c...

Hi, I'm Sherri, age 30, married 4yrs. I haven't posted before but I've been "lurking" here for about six weeks, since I miscarried my first-ever pregnancy at 7 weeks ( EDD was May 8, 08 ). First of all, although I haven't been actively posting I have to thank you all for sharing your experiences -- I'm so sorry for all of your losses, but reading about what you've been through and the support you show to each other has been very helpful to me.

Anyway, even though I'm finding that time does help lessen the hurt a bit, I still go over the "why" question in my head all the time. But I find that now, on top of wondering about what I did or didn't do physically to cause it to happen, I'm thinking things like "maybe this means I'm not fit to be a mother" or "maybe I'm being punished for something" and stuff like that. I know it's kind of silly but I still think these things a lot and it's tearing me up.

I'm also afraid to get pg again too soon -- that all I'd do is worry, and wait for this one to end too -- but then I'm also afraid to wait too long before trying again; that too much time to think would be bad.

Am I alone in thinking like this? I know I worry too much but how can I not?

thanks for reading; sorry this was long...
Sherri

Joined: 09/28/06
Posts: 8

I'm sorry for your loss..I too have experienced a recent m/c at around 5 weeks. I can tell you that you did nothing wrong...and you did not cause it. Although, I think from time to time (even though I know there was nothing I did) was there a certain thing I did or didn't do....I think it might be normal to have those thoughts, but I am not sure since this is the only m/c I have been through. I am sure time will make things easier, at least that's what I hope for. (((HUGS)))

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, dear, you definitely don't need to apologize for long posts. That is what we are here for and your post was by no means long. I post short stories on this board weekly!!! I talk constantly.

But, to the point, what you're describing is almost exactly what I have been going through. We found out about our loss at 10 weeks on 9/11 and every single day I wonder 'why'. I don't think it consumes me, but it crosses my mind every single day, literally. For me, I think it always will. I wonder if I wouldn't be a fit mother, but I know that isn't true, I wouldn't have been given my very special 8 year old DSS if I wouldn't be a fit mother. DSS spends 85% with DH and I, and has lived with DH since he was about 6 months old. We go to PTO and do homework and CubScouts, it isn't much different than if he were my very own and I love him like he is. Sometimes, I think of an Aleve that I may have taken or a hike I went on that I may have pushed myself a little too much, all while I was pregnant, but before I knew. I had a laparoscopy in Feb for endo and haven't had normal cycles since I took the Depo shot, after my loss, my cycles are normal for the first time in like 13 years. It sounds crazy, but I've even wondered if this is what my body had to do to heal and prepare to carry a child full term. Like this loss somehow 'fixed' whatever had been wrong. I know that is kind of bizarre, but I just wanted to show, that for me, my mind is doing crazy things. I think it's my way of coping and I think that it's normal. Twins run in my family and I even had a dream where our baby was telling me that her twin wasn't conceived too and she couldn't come without her twin, but they would come back to me. That one really made me feel crazy.

I don't know. I hope hearing some of the things others are thinking helps you to feel better or at least more normal. I hope you find the answers you need or at very least a way to cope. Sending many hugs your way.

Amy Kay

sweetpetunia's picture
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

No, you're not crazy. I've had all those same thoughts with every loss. They're very common. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you're on the road to healing soon. :bigarmhug:

Julie


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/peterjames

^i^ 12/21/01 @ 12 weeks
^i^ 6/05 @ 6 weeks
Peter James 6/21/06 @ 41 weeks 2 days

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Oh honey i am so sorry for your loss, but i'm glad you decided to post.

:bighug:

I too over think the reasons. It's pretty crazy stuff that i think too. Stuff that i know is just insane, but i can't help it!! After we had only lost our son i kept thinking maybe i'd promised my first born son in exchange for something. You know, like they do in fairy tales. :doh: I also keep thinking of this woman who wrote me a horrible letter when i was a Customer Services Manager telling me "I hope all your babies are still born!" (I sh*t you not. This was all because she didnt want to pay £100 that she was contracted into). I often think about finding her and getting her to 'lift the curse' Crazy

It's stupid because i know there is no curse, and i know i made no pact with the devil, but when my mind is idle these things pop into it!!

I also look at other mothers with children who i dont know and wonder what it is they did to deserve their kids and i dont. I wonder what i need to do to make myself more like them. More worthy.

When i was a LOT younger i always said that i would never get married and never have kids. I used to always say that i wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant because it looks amazing, but i didnt want kids at the end of it. How that has come around the bite me on the arse!! Sad

Anyway, i just wanted to share some of my "crazy lady" thought so that you wouldnt feel alone in whatever it is your "crazy lady" thoughts might be. :comfort:

~Sarah.
Angel DS, Zane. 16 - 17 October 2006. Born by emergency c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to undiagnosed Vasa Praevia.
Angel DD, Ada. Born sleeping at 25 weeks. 7 September 2007. Unexplained.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Those thoughts and questions are completely normal. I wish that I could say that you will stop thinking like that. We lost Damien a little over three months ago and I still have days where those kinds of thoughts plague me. I have read some wonderful advice on this site. It goes something like this: wait until you are ready. You are ready when the excitement of having a baby outweighs the worry of losing a pregnancy. Give yourself time to heal both physically and more importantly emotionally. In time you will adapt to this new "normal way of life". I am so very sorry for your loss but glad that you were able to find this board. The ladies here are amazing and an inspiration to me daily.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry about your loss. You are feeling the same as many of us do. I had the same fear about what I did wrong. It is part of the grieving process. As far as how long to wait or not, everyone here says you'll know when the time is right.
I lost my daughter in June and I know I am not ready. I want to wait until her EDD is past and for us to get through the holidays. As for worry...go to the Pregnancy after loss page and ask the ladies how they feel. They are a terrific bunch of ladies as well.

Don't worry it does get easier.

Robin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for your loss :bighug:

newbie2all's picture
Joined: 02/02/07
Posts: 93

I have been in that place where all I could do was look for reasons why this happened. I could not accept that there were no reasons. Medical science has come so far, how could they not know... but yet they didn't. I blamed myself for skating too in my pregnancy, for dying my hair...for eating too poorly, you name it I blamed it. But I came to realize that none of this was the cause. None of us did anything to deserve this.

You will know when it is your time to try again. It is hard to imagine now, but these hard days will become fewer in time. You will never forget your angel, but the thoughts and questions eventually will stop consuming your every moment. What you have been through will make you an even stronger mom who loves like only mom's of angels can.

I am sending you some ((HUGS)).

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

Your 'crazy thoughts' are completely normal. ((HUGS))

~ Sherri ~'s picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 7

Wow, thanks everyone.... I really appreciate the feedback and hearing that these thoughts are normal, even the ones about somehow deserving it. I know it's not really true but it still pops into my head often.

I guess I do need to be prepared to wonder why and feel this way for a long, long time. I just wish I didn't have to, and that none of you had to either.

Thank you also for all your condolences. It is very true that it really takes someone who has been through it, to really understand. thanks!

Hugs to all of you too :bigarmhug:

PS Sarah I can't believe that letter you got from that horrible woman!! How awful. I can see how you would think of it given your terrible losses. So sorry Sad

abbyrocks2427's picture
Joined: 10/26/06
Posts: 54

Im so sorry for your loss.....:bigarmhug: and believe me your not crazy or anything for thinking the things you do..Its completely natrual..Sometimes I run questions like that in my head all the time...I was also scared to begin trying again cause like you this was my first pregnancy also I lost my angel at 12 wks and it was devastating to me but once I felt emotionally and mentally ready as well as physically okay I found peace once more..And these ladies here had a lot to do with it..I always see my lost as a scar..when you get a wound it hurts like hell but then it begins to heal and you feel better but of course when the wound is deep it leaves a scar. and eventhough I have come to peace about losing my first child I always have my angel in my heart and I will never forget...But I promise you honey it will get better...Hope all the best for you..Im a pm away if you ever need to talk

Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

I just want to send tons of ((((BIG HUGS!!!)))).
I was also due May 8 '08... we lost baby Alana on Oct. 7, she was 9wks 2days.
Its sad that so many of our precious May angels didn't make it.

~Jessa~
Mommy to:
Liam-11/27/06 @ 12wks 2days
Alana-10/7/07 @ 9wks 2days