DH and I, in complete denial, I guess, are throwing an adoption party tomorrow. I just realized earlier this week that it falls on the one-year anniversary of our loss. Why I didn't remember that when we planned the party, I will never understand. That date is stuck indelibly in my head, right along with my BDay and wedding day. When we were planning the party, it was the only available weekend. We haven't been matched with a child yet, but we're having the party to thank those who have helped us so far.
When I first realized it, I thought, how wonderful, to celebrate the adoption process on the day of so much sadness a year ago. I'll be surrounded by loved ones and can't be sad.
Now, though, I think it was the dumbest thing I could have possibly done. I'm so depressed right now. My stomach hurts, I have a constant headache, my muscles ache, and I have trouble getting out of bed. I'm dragging, especially at work. I can't even imagine all the cleaning and cooking we're going to have to do. Plus, Hurricane Ike threw us into disarray. Our house is fine, but the patio collapsed, and our belongings are messy after a week with no power.
All I want to do is curl up on the couch tomorrow and watch movies, preferably with a tub of ice cream in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. All I'll be able to think about is the same day a year ago, when I was rushed to the hospital, in excruciating pain and terror, and told we lost our baby, the only baby we've been able to conceive. Nobody gets it, and no one remembers. Even DH is totally psyched about the party.
The last thing I want to think about right now is a new baby, and I do not want to be surrounded by people who have no concept of how I feel right now. However, I'll have to smile, be a nice hostess, and pray that the tears don't come until after they all go home. This was supposed to be a fun party for me:-(
Anyway, note to self: never throw a party on the anniversary of the loss.