DH and I, in complete denial, I guess, are throwing an adoption party tomorrow. I just realized earlier this week that it falls on the one-year anniversary of our loss. Why I didn't remember that when we planned the party, I will never understand. That date is stuck indelibly in my head, right along with my BDay and wedding day. When we were planning the party, it was the only available weekend. We haven't been matched with a child yet, but we're having the party to thank those who have helped us so far.
When I first realized it, I thought, how wonderful, to celebrate the adoption process on the day of so much sadness a year ago. I'll be surrounded by loved ones and can't be sad.
Now, though, I think it was the dumbest thing I could have possibly done. I'm so depressed right now. My stomach hurts, I have a constant headache, my muscles ache, and I have trouble getting out of bed. I'm dragging, especially at work. I can't even imagine all the cleaning and cooking we're going to have to do. Plus, Hurricane Ike threw us into disarray. Our house is fine, but the patio collapsed, and our belongings are messy after a week with no power.
All I want to do is curl up on the couch tomorrow and watch movies, preferably with a tub of ice cream in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. All I'll be able to think about is the same day a year ago, when I was rushed to the hospital, in excruciating pain and terror, and told we lost our baby, the only baby we've been able to conceive. Nobody gets it, and no one remembers. Even DH is totally psyched about the party.
The last thing I want to think about right now is a new baby, and I do not want to be surrounded by people who have no concept of how I feel right now. However, I'll have to smile, be a nice hostess, and pray that the tears don't come until after they all go home. This was supposed to be a fun party for me
Anyway, note to self: never throw a party on the anniversary of the loss.
I am sorry that you are in the place emotionally that you are now. I don't know if it will help or not, but for me the days leading up to the angelversary were actually MUCH harder than the day itself.
I pray that you find peace on that day. Good luck with your adoption process.
I totally agree with Shelly -- I share the same experience that my lead-up days were all worse than the actual day. I suspect this might be common, so I very much hope it's the case for you too -- so that you can enjoy the party more than you might expect.
A couple of ideas that might be helpful:
1. Is there anyway that you could hold a celebration somewhere else? For example, a function room at a restaurant? Just a thought -- at least, it could minimize the physical stress which would be a big help.
2. Men do grieve very differently than women. You might want to let DH know how you're feeling right now -- at least to let him be aware. That might help, especially if you're a little grumpy, etc -- then he'll know why.
I'm glad you've written in here about this concern. You know that we're all here for you.
Oh man! What a tough one, I probably would have done the same thing only to later realize I did an oops. I hope that you can enjoy yourself even if just a little. Im so sorry that you feel so crappy, I agree with nicole, you should tell DH what you're feeling, cause like we all know, sometimes men just are a little slow to react. He may be feeling the same thing but is trying to be strong for you. Big hugs honey! Try to enjoy your adoption party a little bit, even if its on a terribly sad day
Y'all were so right--while I couldn't get off of the couch in the three days before, on the actual day I was so busy cleaning that I felt OK. It felt good working on a project with DH, and the house hasn't been this pleasant in a long time, since we prepared for the adoption homestudy several months ago.
The actual party started off overwhelming. We had so many people in our little house, and the noise was deafening. Then, however, my husband lit the tiki torches outside and I escaped with a friend. The evening was so cool and pleasant, and we had skin spray for the mosquitoes. It was so nice chatting with my friend, one-on-one, which is more comfortable for me (I'm very introverted, and crowds wear me out fast). Then, another friend came out, one I hadn't talked to in a long time, and we had a wonderful chance to catch up. I shared my struggles, and the girls were so understanding. They had some good ideas about our situation, and I came out of it with a renewed commitment to the adoption, for the right reasons.
So, while I wouldn't recommend it, the party was OK. Next year, though, I'm going to keep it simple!
Last edited by LauraT; 09-28-2008 at 05:23 PM.
Reason: to remove signature
Im glad to hear it worked out better then you expected. At least it wasnt a complete disaster and you have a renewed outlook. I hope you get a new miracle soon whether it be natural or through a loving adoption.