If you are not in the mood for a full blown pity party I totally understand and say just skip this post. I just don't understand my mind, my emotions, any of it. You would think that Christmas would have been harder than new year's eve. No such luck here. I got an email address from my oldest son and tried to write to him and it came back as undeliverable. My daughter is going through a testing her boundaries stage and it is so frustrating!! On top of everything else, on new year's eve Damien should have been five months old. I just miss him so very much. I buried myself in paperwork while I was at work and then took Frankie to the beach for an hour or so to try not to think. It worked for a little while. I get a call and DH surgery is first thing on the third. It is a simple surgery but I am still scared out of my mind. He has a herniated belly button. I have to take my husband to the same place where we lost our son. I know that it is a completely different set of doctors and that it will all be fine (logically I do know this) but my heart is not accepting logic right now. I don't know what I would do, how I would cope, if the worst were to happen. I can't take him somewhere else as there is only one other hospital on this island and I would have to pay for the entire cost of the surgery if I go there. I can't afford that. Then, I get a call from the department head of OB/GYN at the naval hospital. He wants to discuss the results of my postpartum pap. He is not happy with the results. I have to go back in Feb (five months later) to have another pap and another culposcopy. If the results are crap again then I have to go in for a LEEP procedure. I am terrified of cancer. My mother had a complete hysterectomy at a very young age because of uterine cancer and I lost a paternal aunt at a young age due to ovarian cancer. I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I still want to have another child. So, I went home with my daughter and became a complete freaking couch potato. I put in my Gilmore Girl DVDs and just watched them until I couldn't stay awake. All the while I was crying and missing Damien and cursing the b*tches that didn't do there job and the list goes on and on and on. I am excited and terrified about the prospects of 2008. We both agree that we are going to start TTC around June. I want to be a mother but I am terrified to go through another loss. I am more excited to be pregnant again than I am scared of a loss so I know that it is right but I am still terrified. I am so mad that the world was able to get over what has happened to us and just carry on. I know that is the way things that should go, but it still sucks. I am a shattered, broken, woman and yet the world keeps spinning as if nothing of any consequence has happened. Good Lord, I have no idea if any of that has even made any sense at all. If you made it to the end, thank you. I just needed to have a little pity party. I really don't drink or else I would be nursing one hell of a hangover right now because I seriously considered just drinking til I passed out last night. Kind of glad I didn't, as I would have been sh*t for DH or DD today. Again, I wish us all peace, strength, and healing in the coming year.