pity party (everything mentioned)

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shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814
pity party (everything mentioned)

If you are not in the mood for a full blown pity party I totally understand and say just skip this post. I just don't understand my mind, my emotions, any of it. You would think that Christmas would have been harder than new year's eve. No such luck here. I got an email address from my oldest son and tried to write to him and it came back as undeliverable. My daughter is going through a testing her boundaries stage and it is so frustrating!! On top of everything else, on new year's eve Damien should have been five months old. I just miss him so very much. I buried myself in paperwork while I was at work and then took Frankie to the beach for an hour or so to try not to think. It worked for a little while. I get a call and DH surgery is first thing on the third. It is a simple surgery but I am still scared out of my mind. He has a herniated belly button. I have to take my husband to the same place where we lost our son. I know that it is a completely different set of doctors and that it will all be fine (logically I do know this) but my heart is not accepting logic right now. I don't know what I would do, how I would cope, if the worst were to happen. I can't take him somewhere else as there is only one other hospital on this island and I would have to pay for the entire cost of the surgery if I go there. I can't afford that. Then, I get a call from the department head of OB/GYN at the naval hospital. He wants to discuss the results of my postpartum pap. He is not happy with the results. I have to go back in Feb (five months later) to have another pap and another culposcopy. If the results are crap again then I have to go in for a LEEP procedure. I am terrified of cancer. My mother had a complete hysterectomy at a very young age because of uterine cancer and I lost a paternal aunt at a young age due to ovarian cancer. I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I still want to have another child. So, I went home with my daughter and became a complete freaking couch potato. I put in my Gilmore Girl DVDs and just watched them until I couldn't stay awake. All the while I was crying and missing Damien and cursing the b*tches that didn't do there job and the list goes on and on and on. I am excited and terrified about the prospects of 2008. We both agree that we are going to start TTC around June. I want to be a mother but I am terrified to go through another loss. I am more excited to be pregnant again than I am scared of a loss so I know that it is right but I am still terrified. I am so mad that the world was able to get over what has happened to us and just carry on. I know that is the way things that should go, but it still sucks. I am a shattered, broken, woman and yet the world keeps spinning as if nothing of any consequence has happened. Good Lord, I have no idea if any of that has even made any sense at all. If you made it to the end, thank you. I just needed to have a little pity party. I really don't drink or else I would be nursing one hell of a hangover right now because I seriously considered just drinking til I passed out last night. Kind of glad I didn't, as I would have been sh*t for DH or DD today. Again, I wish us all peace, strength, and healing in the coming year.

Shelly

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Shelly
I will join your pity party anytime. You certainly have a lot to be scared about. I don't blame you in the least for feeling down. When do you return home? Are you going to wait until you are home to ttc?

Does DH have to stay overnight for his surgery?

:comfort:
Thinking of you.
Antionette

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Shelly,

I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you know that this hospital visit is different, but you are totally allowed to be worried and irrational. If it helps at all, my mom had the same thing and she is fine :). Sarah said how the mundane can be good after something like all this (or along those lines). She is right on and I'm hanging on to that...even if it's boring and essentially uneventful 2008 has to be better. Thinking of ya and sending tons of hugs...

Amy

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

"tlmommy" wrote:

Shelly
I will join your pity party anytime. You certainly have a lot to be scared about. I don't blame you in the least for feeling down. When do you return home? Are you going to wait until you are home to ttc?

Does DH have to stay overnight for his surgery?

:comfort:
Thinking of you.
Antionette

We don't get back to the states until September. We are hoping that we show up pregnant or get pregnant right after we show up. Not fair to my chain of command, but neither one of us is getting any younger and throw in all the medical crap for being 35 and up, yadda, yadda, yadda. No, thankfully he doesn't have to stay overnight because of this. Thanks for reading that jumbled mess of my thoughts.

Shelly

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

"flutterby4" wrote:

Shelly,

I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you know that this hospital visit is different, but you are totally allowed to be worried and irrational. If it helps at all, my mom had the same thing and she is fine :). Sarah said how the mundane can be good after something like all this (or along those lines). She is right on and I'm hanging on to that...even if it's boring and essentially uneventful 2008 has to be better. Thinking of ya and sending tons of hugs...

Amy

It does help to know that someone else has been through this. Thank you. I just want to stop crying right now, ya know? I feel even worse because my four year old just came up to me and says, "It is okay to cry mommy. I am sorry that you are so sad."

I feel like the hind end of some smelly creature (horse didn't seem nasty enough). I am not giving her the attention that she deserves and that is not right. I was doing so well and a stupid holiday which is nothing more than another excuse to drink does me in. I just don't get it. Thank you so very much for being here for me. It means so much to have all of the amazing ladies on this board.

Shelly

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Oh chick! I am so so sorry you are in this place. Sad

You know what really rang true with me about your post? The whole part about being scared to death about something else happening, especially death of you or your husband. I am scared every time DH leaves the house in case he doesn't come back. Every time i go out in the car i envision an accident where i die. To be honest though, i am not scared of myself dying. In fact, loosing our kids has helped me with death because now i have something exciting to look forward to. It's more that i'm not finished here. I just don't know how i would cope mentally if something else happened so that i lost someone else i care for!

You have every right to come here and have your pity party. This season is sh*t when you are grieving and i think the forced happiness of everyone around just exaccerbates the situation even more!

:bighug:

I really hope that you find your way to more healing in this new year, and i hope that your next baby is healthy and you get to keep him or her forever!! :giveflower:

Sarah
Mum to...
:angel2: Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006
:angel2: Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hi I am so sorry I feel your pain. Holidays are coming evem more dreadful for me as time passes. Everything reminds me of the losses that I had. New Years Eve I couldnt even go out because I was so sad. I hope your Dh has a quick and easy surgery+ recovery and 2008 brings you something nice and special! ( If thats okay to say)

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You know I will listen to your pity party anytime. You have been so strong in all of your advice to me. I think it is only natural to fear the the future and what it holds for all of us. I hope today is better for you and that you find peace.

Remember vent anytime you need. God knows I have.

Robin

Joined: 02/05/06
Posts: 33

Shelly, I am so sorry you are in this place. Know for sure that everything you are going through is normal. Feb. 26th of this year, my angel baby Quinn will be 7 years old. We lost him because of a cord accident, not by the hands of people who know better. You are a good mom, and your Frankie knows that, too. I pray that this year will be a great one for you. Keep talking about your feelings. You are not whining here!
:bigarmhug:

Erin
mom to angels, Quinn, 2-26-01 and Elliot, 5-5-05

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

I too am scared of the normal activities of life now... I can't imagine DH going in for a surgery of any kind without being a complete mess. ((HUGS))

Karen

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug: Hang in there! We're hear to listen whenever you need to have a pity party.

Janel

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

thank you ladies for all of your support. I don't know how I would make it through some days if I didn't have all of you and this board.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sorry you've been so upset but of course we all understand it here. I hope that your DH's operation was a success and that you get a BFP at the end of June Smile