Preliminary Autopsy (xp)

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TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147
Preliminary Autopsy (xp)

Showed abnormalities in his heart liver and spleen. That is about all the guy could tell me. So, no official cause of death as of yet.

This sucks. It will be one month on Wednesady since I had a husband. The word widow still sounds so cold and empty. I still have a hard time saying it.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:bighug: How much longer before an official cause of death??

I agree ....I dislike the word widow...I wish that there were some other word that could be used to describe one who has lost their dh/dw Sad

Do you have much support around you? Are you handling your kids okay? How are they handling their daddy being gone? How are you?

I know the answers to most of the above questions will more then likely be *not good* ...I just thought that it may help to talk about it if you were emotionally able..

:bighug:

Marie

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

The dude on the phone said that the end of April would be a pretty conservative guess as to when the "offical cause of death" would be determined. The kids are doing very well, actually. I am just really sad for them knowing that their daddy will never hold their babies, and walk my youngest; his only little girl and only biological child, down the isle when she marries. There are so many things that go through my head like that. I am so tired of people asking me if I plan on remarrying.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bighug: I've heard that autopsies can take ages for some reason. I'm sorry that you are still waiting for the official results.
I don't think you should be called a widow. terrible word. You should be called a wife and a survivor. You are an incredibly strong woman, I can't imagine what I would do in your situation.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

Yikes, people are really asking you if you plan on remarrying?? I'm sorry, but I think thats a bit cold...

I am so sorry for all those special times that will be forever changed now that your dh is gone... Sad

Marie

Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Im so sorry you did not get any answers. i cannot imagine how much pain you must be in right now. I cant believe people would ask you if you will remarry this soon! Im sure thats the last thing you are worried about right now.

As pp said I am so sorry about the special times that will now change. Im sure that at his dd'd wedding, although you may not all be able to see him there, he will be watching over you all. You are an incredible woman to remain so strong.

nurseapril's picture
Joined: 01/25/07
Posts: 48

I'm so sorry for what you have to go through. It's hard not knowing why this happened. It makes it nearly impossible to go on, I know. I can't even imagine how people think that a new marriage would have even crossed your mind at a time like this. Hold on to those babies and keep your head up. Know that you can vent to me anytime.

April

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

"mom@41" wrote:

Yikes, people are really asking you if you plan on remarrying?? I'm sorry, but I think thats a bit cold...

No kidding! I guess I've had the same asked after my m/c - even the same DAY I told some people I got the "are you going to try again??!" Geez, I felt like smacking them, I need to get through this loss first!

Anyways, my thoughts are with you. What a devastating shock.

KaellyNicole's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 219

(((HUGS)))

It took a long time to get my dad's autopsy back for his "official cause of death". I love shows like CSI and whatnot, but they make everything look so much faster then it is.

As far as the people asking dumb and awfully inconsiderate questions, ignore them as best you can. I can remember people ask my mom stuff like that in front of me... I was eight. As time goes on, you'll make that decision, but it's not like you want a boyfriend tomorrow.... argh, people can be so dumb!

(((HUGS)))

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I hope you get the answers you're looking for soon.
I'm dumbfounded as to why anyone would ask if you're going to remarry! That's so bazaar and completely out of line.
I'm glad your children are doing well, and I hope it makes it easier for you to cope with this tremendous loss.
((HUGS))

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your difficult times.

I am glad that you post here. We will try to support you as much as we can.

I hope you have people IRL to support you as well: friends, family, church, support groups.

You are very strong.

Melissa

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

I am soo sorry for your loss. I hope time goes fast and you get those results soon! I am sorry that people have no clue that asking about your future relationships is completely inappropriate right now!! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Another item from the "Tool Kit"

Wow, your kids blow me away -- sounds like they inherited their mother's strength. I'm so sorry that you have to wait so long for answers: it's like having an emotional, open wound. My heart is with you.

People asking you if you'll re-marry -- grrrrrrr!!! They must have no idea how cold and ridiculous that sounds. Some people just don't seem to THINK! Honestly, I believe it's because they're uncomfortable with our losses, and they don't know what to say -- if only they'd realise all we really need sometimes is a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. They don't have to say a word.

I hate to admit it but I have certainly said some thoughtless things in my life, too. However, I try to learn from these experiences and I'm improving!

Which leads me to open what my best friend calls "Nicole's Tool Kit"....

This might sound strange but, whenever I'm angry at someone for their thoughtless words or actions, I try (very hard sometimes!) to remember that they're being human. I hope these people who mentioned re-marriage are just being humanly thoughtless, not thoughtlessly cruel. Does that make sense? When I can see the humanity in someone who has wronged me, then I can let my anger go. (But until then, forget it!). You see, when I have acted thoughtlessly, I sure hope people have forgiven me along the way. So I try to remember that others are human too.

It's only normal that you would feel angry in your grief; we all do (me, I would be enraged and consumed with grief, if I were in your shoes). Please allow yourself to feel the anger and to express it safely (this board is a great, safe place to vent). I only mentioned my "tool" because we have a choice when the bad behaviour of others heaps even more pain onto our suffering: we can choose to either make it harder on ourselves by holding onto the pain they have caused us, or we can try to let it go. It's hard at first, but after some practice (and there sure is ample opportunity: there are a LOT of thoughtless comments out there...) it gets easier and easier to recognise their humanity, rather than assuming that they're just being cruel.

I hope this helps (I've shared it because it sure helps me).

Please take all the time you need to heal, and keep on writing in. You have my heart.

Love,
Nicole

Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1692

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry you do not have an answer.
People can be so stupid whend dealing with death, they just do not know what to do.

healinghandz1's picture
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 32

I know how difficult it is to wait for an answer WHY?. For most of us on this board, we never get an answer. I too found myself a "widow" at a very young age. We were married for 3 yrs, we didn't have children. I remember having a thousand questions. I also remember how insensitive people could be. "Be grateful, you're young enough to remarry", "Well, it's not like you two were together for 50 yrs", "How could you not know there was a problem", and yes even "You must of done something horrible to deserve this!".

It took me years to move on. The fact that you are getting out of bed, going to work, and taking care of your precious children is evidence of your strength. I am in AWW of your courage.

StephanieJune's picture
Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

:bigarmhug:
I am so sorry for your loss. I think that Nicole's Tool Kit is very helpful (you have a way with words Nicole). You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
:bighug:

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

"healinghandz1" wrote:

I know how difficult it is to wait for an answer WHY?. For most of us on this board, we never get an answer. I too found myself a "widow" at a very young age. We were married for 3 yrs, we didn't have children. I remember having a thousand questions. I also remember how insensitive people could be. "Be grateful, you're young enough to remarry", "Well, it's not like you two were together for 50 yrs", "How could you not know there was a problem", and yes even "You must of done something horrible to deserve this!".

It took me years to move on. The fact that you are getting out of bed, going to work, and taking care of your precious children is evidence of your strength. I am in AWW of your courage.

His sister, even though she was apologizing for being a b*tch the day before said "Well, you do have to keep in mind, you had him for 3 years, we had him for 33 years..." Ugh, like that really helped.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Wow! I feel like slapping your sister in law in the face (and I'm not at all a violent person!). Grrrrrrrr.

Was she very close to your DH? I mean is this just her way of grieving (by lashing out at others)? I'm guessing it might be. But evenso, sheeeesh!! She may feel anger and grief, but she has no right to take it out on anyone else (none of us do, really).

Maybe it helps to look at it that way: that she's just reacting to her grief, and that she doesn't have the skills (or social graces, it seems) to manage her grief in a way that is gentle to others. For her sake, I hope that this is all it is.

It might even make you feel a little better knowing that YOU don't do what she does to people -- that you're dealing with your grief in a more socially acceptable way. I mean, be glad you're NOT her! I tell you what, I'm sure thankful that I don't "live inside her head"!! (Can you imagine what that would be like?!!) When I can muster up a bit of gratitude in any situation, it always gives me a better perspective. I hope this helps.

I'm so glad you keep writing in. We're going to help you through this as much as we can.

Love,
Nicole

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

You want to know what really sucked about that whole incident? The thing that made her apologize in the first place...
They (Rob's mom and Sister) actually thought that is was acceptable for me to NOT go with them to make funeral arrangements because at that second we had no childcare arrangements for the day. I called my mom sobbing and within 20 minutes my dad and SISTER (keep in mind we have had no relationship for 4 years) showed up to take the kids so I could go.

KnittinKitten's picture
Joined: 09/08/07
Posts: 20

:bigarmhug:

I'm so sorry you have to be going through any of this. People never know what to say, and then when they open their mouths, it's like a river of inappropriateness. (I think I spelled that correctly.) I guess it's because they feel like they need to say something, even it it's only to make themselves feel better. I know that sounds weird, but I believe it's true.

Keep you head up sweetie and know that we're all here for you-- no matter what.

Ka'

Joined: 04/21/06
Posts: 96

"TyrantOfTheWeek" wrote:

His sister, even though she was apologizing for being a b*tch the day before said "Well, you do have to keep in mind, you had him for 3 years, we had him for 33 years..." Ugh, like that really helped.

I think I would have punched her.

:bighug:

Tori