Question from a Lurker (pg ment)

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KaellyNicole's picture
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Question from a Lurker (pg ment)

I've been lurking around this board for a while, long before I ever became a real member. To date I have four angels in Heaven. The first three were natural losses all by 9 weeks, my last was at the beginning of his second trimester... and we were informed he was a boy after he in for genetics. Everything turned up fine and we will never know why his heart stopped beating. The week I lost Phillip I was also moving to Germany, my husband is in the Army and it's our job. I had an emergency D&C to be able to fly, and I never felt worse. The plane ride was probably the worst pain I've ever gone through and the next few weeks and months didn't help. I hate Germany and I hate the town we're in. I don't have a real connection with anyone like I did back at our last base. Well, now I'm here, almost exactly a year later and I'm pregnant again. I remember when my mom called to tell me my cousin was pregnant (about 2 weeks before we found out), I threw the phone, and cried for days. That was right before Christmas of 07, I lost our son in March of 07. I never really got over it or accepted it. Now I'm pregnant again and I know I have to stay positive for this one, and so far everything is going fine, I've been checked up on a lot, and I've seen that this one should be okay... but I just can't get over my last. We weren't trying when I got pregnant and my husband deploys in less than 60 days for 15 more months in wonderful Iraq, so the end of this pregnancy I'm going through a lone.

For the people who have had a loss and got pregnant again, how did you still get over your last loss? I don't worry too much about every little bump or pain, but I keep thinking about Phillip more than I think about this one.

Thanks for any advice. I feel bad coming on this board because I am pg, but I knew you guys would be the ones who would understand.

CamelNoodle's picture
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preg ment, s/b ment

I don't think you ever "get over it", you just learn to deal with it. Phillip will always be a part of your life, he has shaped who you are today and who you will be in the future. It's hard not to be scared of every little twinge. It's hard not to let your mind race with "what ifs". I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant, after a loss in Jan 2007 at 29 weeks. I just have to get through each hour, each day, until this baby is in my arms.

Janel

P.S. Have you looked at the preg.org board Pregnant After A Loss?

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I am so sorry for all of your losses. Dealing with this on your own when DH goes to Iraq is going to be so hard.

I have not yet had a subsequent pg so I am not sure I can answer your questions. There are a lot of Military personnel and wives on this board who can relate to you. Like the PP stated there is also a pregnant after loss board.

I wish I had some answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Perhaps some other moms on here, or on pg after loss, or even on parenting after loss can help you.

:bigarmhug:

Antionette

Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

shellyhudson's picture
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I am so sorry for all of your losses. Phillip will always be with you. I cannot say about how to deal with a successive pregnancy as I am not there yet. I do wish you peace and and a screamin' healthy baby at the end of these nine months. Sorry that you are so unhappy in Germany. I feel isolated and alone being overseas. I am active duty navy and currently am stationed in Guam. (1/2 way between HI and Japan). If you ever want to rant or vent or whatever, please feel free to pm me at any time.

shelly

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I'm sorry for your losses.
But, congrats on being pregnant. Everything will be fine!
That sucks you DH is being shiped out. Are you staying in Germany?

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(preg and child ment)

Hi there,

I went through a similar situation. I lost my first child in March 2006 when I was 16 weeks pregnant. It was completely unexpected as I had had great ultrasounds, strong heartbeat at my previous OB appointments, and everything had seemed fine. At my 16 week, they couldn't find the heartbeat and an ultrasound confirmed the baby had passed. We also do not know why his heart stopped beating. The doctor said everything looked normal.

Anyway, needless to say, I was devastated. Every single second of every single minute following I was completely overwhelmed by grief for my baby. The thought of never having another one was unimaginable, but yet the thought of another pregnancy was equally terrifying. Then, I discovered I was pregnant again about two months later.

To be completely honest, it was pretty difficult. I was ecstatic to be pregnant, but I can't say I was really "over" my first baby. I still thought about him pretty much all of the time, and I had a lot of guilt over feeling like I wasn't being fair to the new baby. I was so afraid to really bond with the new one for fear of history repeating itself. I kind of almost tried to ignore that I even was pregnant for the first five months or so. I took care of myself, but tried not to get too excited or think about it too much. Any thoughts of a "safe zone" after 12 weeks has been blown out of the water with the first pregnancy. As the new pregnancy progressed, I calmed down some and was able to finally start to enjoy a lot of it towards the end months. It wasn't that I worried over every little thing either. But since there had been no sign or warning with the first baby, signs and symptoms didn't really mean much to me. Basically, I just kind of held my breath and tried to stay a little detached emotionally until the end. That is kind of a shame and I wouldn't recommend it, because I didn't really enjoy my pregnancy as much as other women. I couldn't really relate to other pregnant women who hadn't suffered a loss either - the other women on my birth board often just seemed so blissfully unaware that everything could be taken away in a moment and their grumbling sometimes upset me.

I'm rambling on and on here. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's normal and natural not to be over the loss of your first baby when you're pregnant with another, especially when it happens in a short amount of time. It's not like babies are interchangeable parts - having a new one doesn't erase the loss of the first. I think it's okay to grieve still. Even now that my baby is almost a year old, I still think about my first baby all of the time and miss him dearly. I think I probably always will. You will get through your pregnancy as best you can and you will find lots of joy in it. When your baby comes, it will be the best day of your life. But you can still hold Phillip dear to your heart as well. Loving him doesn't take anything away from the new baby.

I wish I had some good tips for you, but the truth is that we all forge our own path through the devastation of a loss. Just tackle each day individually and soon you'll find the time flying by.

All the best to you, please come back anytime you feel like you need a little help maintaining sanity.

Tamara

KaellyNicole's picture
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Sorry my response is late... took a while to look at this board again. (pg ment) (baby ment)

Camel: I am on the Pregnant After a Loss Board, but most of them are having their babies. Not many are actually pregnant, so it's not too active.

Tamara: Thank you for your kind words. I think they make the most sence!

Missy: Yes I am staying in Germany. We're stationed here until March of 2010. When he gets home we'll have about 9-10 months left here, if I go home, I can never come back to live. So I would be separating him from the baby for at least 18-20 months, so not worth it.

Thank you ladies for all of your kind words!