I have been having a hard time missing Brennan like crazy recently. I cant even put into words how emotional I have been.
Friends gave us a gift certificate for Christmas last night. It was to a restaurant called Brennan's. (Yes we named our son after our favorite restaurant). Opening the gift certificate sent me into tears. (It was really nice of them don't get me wrong).
Then the other day I was at a friends house and a video was on. It was a children's video, and it was introducing a butterfly. Butterflies are what I associate with Brennan now...again sadness swept over me.
I miss him. Although my life has "moved forward" I know I will never "move on". I miss him today almost more than yesterday. I almost cant remember what it was like to hold him. And I hate that. I had to look at a picture of him the other day, I needed to see his lips. I had forgotten what his lips looked like. And I hate that.
Then just now, as I am awake in the middle of the night missing him, I get my weekly email from the grief website I used to frequent. I want to share what just helped me:
""When will I get relief?" "Will this empty feeling ever
go away?" "Am I ever going to get over this loss?"
What we're really trying to say is, "I wish this never
happened, and I want to turn back the clock and go back
to how things were before this loss."
But, the world as we once knew it no longer exists. Our
grief experience has changed life as we once knew it
forever. We now live in a new place, and it's up to us
to work very hard to find a new normal. Yet, we still
keep on trying to turn the clock back. We keep wishing
and hoping and remembering. The pain feels like it is
just too much!
Little by little, though, hope begins filtering in through
the cracks in our heart and brain, and we realize that even
though our world is now totally different, we must find
a way to go on. We begin to establish new traditions,
find new ways to place peace in our souls, and we realize
that we really aren't alone at all.
Hope pushes us forward even when we feel like we can't
go on. Hope helps us to see the beauty in small things such
as a smile, a babbling brook, or a gentle snowfall. We
understand more fully how to cherish the small moments
in life, and we are so thankful for every ray of sunshine
that touches our heart. Hope is alive, and hope teaches
us how to live again! --Clara Hinton
Hope...I have that in my heart....it just doesn't always get to my head. I still miss Brennan, and I don't think that empty feeling will ever go away...maybe just lessen a little bit.
to all of us.
I'm so sorry you've been feeling so low recently, Laurie. You're right, I don't think that empty feeling ever completely goes away. But if we have hope, in time, perhaps that empty place can start to get filled back up again with the memories we have and the love that never dies.
That is so true! Thank you for sharing it with us sweetie.
Mum to... Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006 Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.