God do i feel like shit!
Scott and i had a talk yesterday and i'm relieved to hear that we are both on the same page as far as our future is concerned. Basically he is going to buy a van and be a "Big Time Charlie". I want him to paint it yellow and put his name on the side, just "Scott". I think it'll be funny. I'm going to get really thin and buy loads of clothes, which is basically the complete opposite of what i've been doing for the past two years! I've been pregnant forever!
While we were still in the hospital and we had just had Adas blessing i sat looking at her and i have never known pain like it. Ever. I thought i hurt when Zane died, and i did, but this time there was pure desperation with it. Just a complete and overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Last time, even while i was still in the hospital i knew that the only thing i was interested in was picking up, dusting off and starting again. We just want to have a family - something that seems to come so easily to the most unworthy of people yet is so painfully difficult for us. While i sat looking at her and feeling this hurt i said to Scott that i cannot do this again. I'm so thankful he agrees with me.
I used to think that we would carry on trying regardless of how many losses we had to endure, and maybe i would want to if i didnt have to have the babies surgically removed each time. The thing is for the last two years i have been pregnant. It has been both the most exciting and fulfilling time and the most pitifully hurtful time in our lives. We have to draw the line somewhere. We simply just can't take another hit like this. It takes so long to recover, not least physically, for me. All i have ever experienced is how much it hurts to give birth, with none of the amazing (so i've heard) rewards that follow.