Scott and i had a talk yesterday and i'm relieved to hear that we are both on the same page as far as our future is concerned. Basically he is going to buy a van and be a "Big Time Charlie". I want him to paint it yellow and put his name on the side, just "Scott". I think it'll be funny. I'm going to get really thin and buy loads of clothes, which is basically the complete opposite of what i've been doing for the past two years! I've been pregnant forever!
While we were still in the hospital and we had just had Adas blessing i sat looking at her and i have never known pain like it. Ever. I thought i hurt when Zane died, and i did, but this time there was pure desperation with it. Just a complete and overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Last time, even while i was still in the hospital i knew that the only thing i was interested in was picking up, dusting off and starting again. We just want to have a family - something that seems to come so easily to the most unworthy of people yet is so painfully difficult for us. While i sat looking at her and feeling this hurt i said to Scott that i cannot do this again. I'm so thankful he agrees with me.
I used to think that we would carry on trying regardless of how many losses we had to endure, and maybe i would want to if i didnt have to have the babies surgically removed each time. The thing is for the last two years i have been pregnant. It has been both the most exciting and fulfilling time and the most pitifully hurtful time in our lives. We have to draw the line somewhere. We simply just can't take another hit like this. It takes so long to recover, not least physically, for me. All i have ever experienced is how much it hurts to give birth, with none of the amazing (so i've heard) rewards that follow.
Last edited by uropachild; 09-12-2007 at 04:23 AM.
I'm really sorry I was just crying and half yelling at DH monday night, cause it just isn't fair and it pisses me off for you and all the others who have to work so hard and end up hurt. I hope you can feel better soon-ish
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
Maybe you and Scott living life the opposite of what you have know for these past two years, will help you in feeling even more confident about the decisions you are both making today...
That said, I think *Just Scott's* yellow van...and you getting really thin and buying loads of clothes, is a great plan!! I wanna see some pic's when this all goes down
Just live for the moment right now....Yellow van, and thin clothes included! ....Try not to think about making any big decisions ironclad until time has passed...Right now, you need to heal emotionally, and physically..
Once you have both made your way through that dark tunnel again...for however long that takes...What you want at that point, may end up being very different from what you want now...
Or, going back to what I said in the beginning...You both may end up feeling even more sure of the decision you both made right after Ada's passing....just give yourselves time.
Trying again when one has had losses is a hard road to go down...I can understand, on my own level, where you are coming from....We all gain more of an *understanding* after a loss.... that there are no promises for future pregnancies....But when loss has happened a second time...Our *understanding*, and all that goes with it, becomes that much more real...And if one is to continue trying, and loss happens again...Well...like I said, it is a hard road to go down...So, the decision you are making right now in regards to ever ttc again, I really do understand.. in my own way.....
I am here for you when/if you ever need me Sarah....I am hoping and praying that you are given some relief today, from the despair/greif that you are feeling right now...
I'm not sure I could add anything to Marie's post. Just wanted to let you know that I think it's wonderful that you and Scott are taking care of yourselves and each other. I can't imagine how hard this time is for you and I really think that your plans will make you feel even more confident in the decisions you make now and down the road!
Oh, Sarah. I can't pretend to know exactly how you're feeling right now or the depths of the pain you're going through. I can only imagine that it is truly awful and I am just so sorry.
I do understand about being angry with people who are unworthy of being parents and yet have it all come so easily to them, though. After my loss, I was inordinately angry with my BIL and SIL who have four kids split up in different homes and can't support them, but yet keep having more. My anger even bordered on hate and thoughts about something bad happening to them, which goes against my very nature. At times, I felt like all the resentment and anger would just swallow me whole until there was nothing left but a shell. The pit in my stomach would throb and ache until I made myself physically sick.
Those feelings started to subside a bit when I refound the ability to hope. It was very gradual at first. It was just the simple desperate hope that maybe things wouldn't always be so bleak. After a little while, I started hoping that someday I might actually be able to be happy again. And finally, I hoped for a family, in whatever method or form I could find it, even if it didn't take the shape of how I had originally planned.
I'm not going to tell you you'll change your mind about having more kids. You might, you might not, or you might find some other way to fulfill that dream. So far, all you've known is the hurt and the horror of loss. You have definitely had more than your fair share of grief in such a short time. It's all so viciously unfair that it's almost unbearable to even consider. But there are so many possibilities for good still left in your life. It's too hard to see that right now when things are so dark and clouded over with grief.
If I had any words of advice, as empty as they may be right now, it's to cling to those you love and try to allow for the possibility that life will be okay again. Bide your time and just muddle through as best you can.
In the end, it is the potential for life to be good again that is important and it will see you through.
I think taking time to clear your heads, grieve and heal is a perfect plan. You may find that one day you are ready to try again, or you may continue to feel that you just can't. You never know what tomorrow will bring...trust what your feeling today and go with those feelings.
I'm so glad that you and Scott are so open and continually talking with each other...it really does make all the difference in the World to know what each other is thinking and feeling.
Last edited by Michelle; 09-12-2007 at 11:38 AM.
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I wish I had some encouraging words, your new plan sounds like a good one, and I too want to see this van and you looking thin in your new clothes. I have only had one loss, so I don't know the pain the second one brings and I won't pretend to, but I do understand the feeling of other people getting what they don't deserve and I know how much that hurts. I hope you are feeling better soon, in all ways. We are here for you, whatever you need.