I am hereby releasing myself from the job of being a blithering idiot and wallowing around in self-pity.
One day last week I went to eat at a local salad bar for lunch. The girl at the register must have been in her late teens and was a skinny as a rail. I was waiting on my order wondering what it would be like to have a long waist (because I have a very very short waist and as a result I look fatter than I should----but that's a different discussion). Then we struck up a conversation about the "unique" spelling of my name and I offered her a piece of advise to just think about "unique" spellings when she has a child one day because I've always had to spell out my name and for those that read it---help them pronounce it. She told me that she would be thinking about names in the next 7 months, when she was due. I congratulated her and told her I look forward to seeing how she is coming along since I eat there about once a week.
Then I found myself, of course, thinking about the daughter that I never got to hold, but certainly got to love. My mind took me to a place that has been common since our loss as I sat there waiting for my vegetable soup. And then it just hit me---no amount of wallowing in myself is going to bring her back. She is in heaven and is happy as a clam. We will meet when I get there one day and I don't want her to ask me why I spent my life weeping over her when I good and well knew we would meet again. I think she would want me to always remember her, love her, and acknowledge her in my thoughts and words.
What I could do is offer support to those that need a shoulder to cry on or an ear just to listen. I can tell people that I've been there, I understand what it's like, and that I still have hope for the future. Hope that if God chooses to bless our family with another child then we will love that child for all of eternity. But understanding that if it is not HIS will that we are blessed with another child then it is not something I have to understand now. I just have to know that I will understand one day and that my heavenly father knows what is best for his children.
So, I'm writing just to finalize my choice to myself. I will always love you, my precious angel. I will never forget you and will look forward to seeing you in Heaven one day. But I will not spend my days mourning and trying to understand something that I do not have the capacity to understand.