Today has been one of those days. It started out with my DH just irritating me and then things just getting worse just because I'm in a mood (probably PMS)...i was having pains in my stomach...i think AF is around the corner but who knows. I still seem to have ALL of the signs of being pregnancy except a positive test. My DH finally told me today that he's been distant because he is scared of going through a m/c a 3rd time...i understand his concerns but I can't live on the "what ifs." I have true faith in God that He knows what He is doing and if it is to happen again, it will and there is nothing I can do about it. But if i don't have faith at all, I'll never take the chance again of having another baby. I've spent most of the afternoon hulled upstairs in my scrapbook room crying so no one will see me...the thought of AF coming just makes me cry. I know when she does I will scream...i guess i'm just hoping there is some slim chance that I'm PG again although it doesn't seem like it. I know I'm crazy for not waiting but my husband is getting ready to leave at the end of the month and will be gone a lot this year, so we don't have many chances to TTC. I just want to go to bed and cry away...
Sorry this is so long...I've been wanting to write for awhile but I had to come downstairs to do it, so I had to dry up my tears!
After our miscarriage and stillbirth DH had a VERY difficult time with TTC again. He was a wreak and was never really ready to try again. Counseling helped, but it was a constant battle. We conceived our son on an IUI cycle and he was even trying to back out then almost 18 months after our stillbirth. Now our son is three months and we could not be happier. But it was a long road to get there and a very difficult time in our marriage.
But if there is one thing I have learned from reading and from this girls on pg. org, is that the vast majority of people eventually are able to give birth to healthy babies after losses. I just wish the road was not so difficult for some. It took us five years to finally have our DS. So in short, there are more reasons to hopeful than not.
My advice would be to talk to your DH and try to pin point his specific fear about trying again and ask him what he thinks he would need to feel ok about trying again. Tell him it's ok to not be 100% with it. It's impossible with valid lingering concerns he has. If he needs a few months then I would give it to him, but be honest that eventually you will need to be able to try again. Setting a time line for trying again worked for him. Ask him if he would consider counseling to work through his grief and concerns. It helped my DH because he had someone to talk to besides me.
I understand completely what you mean about God's plan. I believe that my losses were for the good in my life. My first DS was lost at 22 weeks. I learned from that loss that I had a inherited blood clotting disorder. My mother had a DVT at that time and was tested and received treatment. My two cousins were tested and know they have the disorder and have received treatments during their pregnancies. My loss could have been there gain. Although, I still mourn from my son, knowing that he could have saved my cousin's child and my mother's life makes it easier to handle. Besides, through Christ there are no goodbyes and I know I will see him again.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when dreams come true at last, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12
You are not alone. My DH is not ready to try again either (although in my case I'm not sure I'm ready). I'm glad you had a place to be on your own today. Perhaps that is what you needed, just be careful not to exclude people too much.
I agree with the pp about seeing if you can pin point DH fears. Perhaps it is that he doesn't want to see you hurt again and then you could let him know that that is a chance you are willing to take to have another child together. I've just kind of left the subject with DH. We haven't talked about it since we first lost Lily. At that point I wanted another but now I'm not sure what I want or when I want it.
I am so sorry that you are having a tough day! I felt the same way on Thursday when I felt that af was on her way! I also wanted to be pg right now, but I don't think that will be happening! I trust in God as well! In my heart I believe that God does not decide to take our babies. Biological problems just happen. I believe that it is my faith in Him that helps me through this grief!
I am sorry you had a rough day. AF makes everything seems so worse. I have bad PMS and I feel horrible around day 20 of my cycle until 3 days into it. Sometimes you just need to take time for yourself and it sounds like that is exactly what you did.
As for trying again, I know I am scared to death to try right now and I bet that is what you has feels too. It is such a painful process to loss a little one. He maybe worried about you as well. Give him some time, he will come around.