First of all I want to say Happy Halloween or All Hallow's Eve or whatever you may celebrate. Second, sorry for the big long novel of a post. Mine always turn out that way.
I wanted to try to start out on a good note, but the truth is I just don't feel good. My 'breakdown's' are getting fewer and farther between, but I don't think they will ever go away. Last night I had one for the record books. I don't know what has gotten into me. I cried until my head hurt and woke up with seriously swollen eyes. As I've said before, a pregnant woman or a baby usually do not bother me, but with all this holiday stuff....GGGrrrrrrrr. We went to this church carnival thing a couple nights ago, food, candy, magician, games for the kids, and those big inflatable things the kids play in...it was really nice and I had a good time. Christian (DSS) got to play and was passed out on the way home. BUT half way through the night I started looking around and there were babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE!!!!!! DH kept looking at the babies and just smiling, and I was wondering how in the *insert word of choice here* is he doing that? How is he ok? Well, once we got home, I found out he wasn't. I told him that I was having a hard time that night, that the babies were getting to me. He said those were the hardest smiles he had ever given. It just seemed like there was an abnormal number of these people. I know that sounds crazy. Then, I mentioned the family member before who is now 3 months along. Young, no job, no money, just out of highschool and the babies father has no job, I believe was kicked out of highschool, they both live with her parents who aren't that well off themselves...blah blah, you get the idea. My old roommate from Tech School (Air Force) is expecting again and all of this is freakin killing me. I feel so selfish and I'm back to asking myself the questions that I know are ridiculous, 'why them and not me' blah blah. It just seems like our baby was on her way and we had all these plans and now that she isn't with us, everything has stopped. We don't even talk about the house shopping with the excitement we used to have. It's only been 2 months since our loss, but DH and I are still so sad. And when I see him, and know he is sad and hurting, and there isn't anything I can do, I feel SO GUILTY. Like I did this to him. It feels like he trusted me with a precious gift and I couldn't take care of this gift. I know there was nothing I could do, it wasn't my fault, or his or anyone's, it's just the cards we were dealt, but I just can't help it. I feel like we are drifting apart or things are changing and its because of all this, but he says that we are closer now because we have gone through this together. I know we aren't drifting, he is the love of my life, but maybe that's why I feel like I let him down. He tells me that I have him and DSS (DSS lives with us and we provide 95% of his care) DSS does love me dearly and I love him even more than that, but there are still times I feel kind of alone in our little family. I tried to explain that I have NEVER in my life been so happy or has something felt so right as when I was pregnant. There wasn't a second that I felt alone, I knew there was a future of some kind. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel alone more than I ever have in my life. I know there is part of me that should be happy. After my loss, I have normal cycles now (so far at least), every 25 days like clockwork. I'm charting to see if I'm having short phases or anything like that since they are a bit short. Before I may not have a cycle for 3 or 4 months, now things seem to be working more as they should and I should be grateful for that. And I am. We have one more normal cycle and then we can try again. I guess I kind of wish that we would start talking about that more often too. But we don't. I told DH it feels like there is this crack in my heart a huge hole. DH says that its normal for me to feel this way, that I should feel like there is a huge crack in my heart and it's ok to feel that way, that there is one in his too, but I surely wish there were some way to keep the cold from seeping through it. That's what it feels like to me, like I'm doing fine, my heart is ok and full of love, maybe scarred, but warm and functioning, then on some days, the cold sneaks in and it just hurts so much.
Thanks for listening.
P.S. So I'm sitting here typing this and my 8 year old DSS comes in to see what I am doing. I always tell him homework or writing to a friend, he understands that more than a message board. He wants to sit with my while I 'work'. He starts giving me his version of a 'massage' (he already loves his back rubbed) and I feel like a jerk for missing our baby when I have this wonderful child here with me. He may not be mine biologically, but it would be hard to be any closer to being mine. I'm told it's time for me to get dressed up for trick or treating, as always, I promised I would. It's a Geisha this year, he wanted 'pretty' not 'scary'. He knows I'm still sad about the baby. He even tries to comfort me. It's funny because I really try not to show him when these things are bothering me, but he always knows. Before the loss, DH and I would hold our hands so far apart and say 'it will be this long before the baby is here'. DSS seems to understand that better than a clock or calendar, so now when he thinks I'm sad or should I say knows I'm sad he holds his hands a little farther apart than what we used to show him and says 'it's ok, now it will just be this long before the baby gets here' We are telling ourselves that sometimes the wisdom of the 8 year old surpasses us all.