First of all I want to say Happy Halloween or All Hallow's Eve or whatever you may celebrate. Second, sorry for the big long novel of a post. Mine always turn out that way.
I wanted to try to start out on a good note, but the truth is I just don't feel good. My 'breakdown's' are getting fewer and farther between, but I don't think they will ever go away. Last night I had one for the record books. I don't know what has gotten into me. I cried until my head hurt and woke up with seriously swollen eyes. As I've said before, a pregnant woman or a baby usually do not bother me, but with all this holiday stuff....GGGrrrrrrrr. We went to this church carnival thing a couple nights ago, food, candy, magician, games for the kids, and those big inflatable things the kids play in...it was really nice and I had a good time. Christian (DSS) got to play and was passed out on the way home. BUT half way through the night I started looking around and there were babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE!!!!!! DH kept looking at the babies and just smiling, and I was wondering how in the *insert word of choice here* is he doing that? How is he ok? Well, once we got home, I found out he wasn't. I told him that I was having a hard time that night, that the babies were getting to me. He said those were the hardest smiles he had ever given. It just seemed like there was an abnormal number of these people. I know that sounds crazy. Then, I mentioned the family member before who is now 3 months along. Young, no job, no money, just out of highschool and the babies father has no job, I believe was kicked out of highschool, they both live with her parents who aren't that well off themselves...blah blah, you get the idea. My old roommate from Tech School (Air Force) is expecting again and all of this is freakin killing me. I feel so selfish and I'm back to asking myself the questions that I know are ridiculous, 'why them and not me' blah blah. It just seems like our baby was on her way and we had all these plans and now that she isn't with us, everything has stopped. We don't even talk about the house shopping with the excitement we used to have. It's only been 2 months since our loss, but DH and I are still so sad. And when I see him, and know he is sad and hurting, and there isn't anything I can do, I feel SO GUILTY. Like I did this to him. It feels like he trusted me with a precious gift and I couldn't take care of this gift. I know there was nothing I could do, it wasn't my fault, or his or anyone's, it's just the cards we were dealt, but I just can't help it. I feel like we are drifting apart or things are changing and its because of all this, but he says that we are closer now because we have gone through this together. I know we aren't drifting, he is the love of my life, but maybe that's why I feel like I let him down. He tells me that I have him and DSS (DSS lives with us and we provide 95% of his care) DSS does love me dearly and I love him even more than that, but there are still times I feel kind of alone in our little family. I tried to explain that I have NEVER in my life been so happy or has something felt so right as when I was pregnant. There wasn't a second that I felt alone, I knew there was a future of some kind. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel alone more than I ever have in my life. I know there is part of me that should be happy. After my loss, I have normal cycles now (so far at least), every 25 days like clockwork. I'm charting to see if I'm having short phases or anything like that since they are a bit short. Before I may not have a cycle for 3 or 4 months, now things seem to be working more as they should and I should be grateful for that. And I am. We have one more normal cycle and then we can try again. I guess I kind of wish that we would start talking about that more often too. But we don't. I told DH it feels like there is this crack in my heart a huge hole. DH says that its normal for me to feel this way, that I should feel like there is a huge crack in my heart and it's ok to feel that way, that there is one in his too, but I surely wish there were some way to keep the cold from seeping through it. That's what it feels like to me, like I'm doing fine, my heart is ok and full of love, maybe scarred, but warm and functioning, then on some days, the cold sneaks in and it just hurts so much.
Thanks for listening.
P.S. So I'm sitting here typing this and my 8 year old DSS comes in to see what I am doing. I always tell him homework or writing to a friend, he understands that more than a message board. He wants to sit with my while I 'work'. He starts giving me his version of a 'massage' (he already loves his back rubbed) and I feel like a jerk for missing our baby when I have this wonderful child here with me. He may not be mine biologically, but it would be hard to be any closer to being mine. I'm told it's time for me to get dressed up for trick or treating, as always, I promised I would. It's a Geisha this year, he wanted 'pretty' not 'scary'. He knows I'm still sad about the baby. He even tries to comfort me. It's funny because I really try not to show him when these things are bothering me, but he always knows. Before the loss, DH and I would hold our hands so far apart and say 'it will be this long before the baby is here'. DSS seems to understand that better than a clock or calendar, so now when he thinks I'm sad or should I say knows I'm sad he holds his hands a little farther apart than what we used to show him and says 'it's ok, now it will just be this long before the baby gets here' We are telling ourselves that sometimes the wisdom of the 8 year old surpasses us all.
I dont know what to say apart from i am sure that everything you wrote down there, that you are feeling, is normal.
It's been two months now for you, which is a short time, yet a long time also. If you look back to how you felt a month ago you will be able to feel a difference. Now just imagine how you'll feel in a month from now.
I am so very sorry that you felt like that. I was reading your post and it felt like it was me that had written it. I could pull out my journal and read (nearly word for word) the feelings that you have written. I understand the anguish and the guilt. I also get that logically we all know that it wasn't our fault, but that emotionally it is a completely different story. I have no magic words to give you to make any of this better. I wish that I did. I can only tell you that we are blessed to have these beautiful children in our lives that bless us with a wisdom beyond their age. I hope that you have a better day soon. Hang in there sweetie.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I know exactly how you feel. We were doing fine until last night, Halloween. I was to be 8+months along and husband had planned to paint my tummy as a pumpkin. He was so sad last night handing out candy and seeing all the little ones. I feel as if I failed him too.
I am not sure when and if it gets easier. I lost my daughter 5 months ago and it kills me everyday. The bursts are fewer and far between but it is still there.
The Holidays are going to be the worst. I plan to come here often to vent and I hope you do the same. If you ever want to talk email me.
I don't have anything to add--I can totally identify with all you are saying, especially feeling like you let your DH down. I too feel that way and feel mad at my body that it let me down. I am glad your DSS is so sensitive to you, what a sweetie. Please know that you are not alone.
Thanks everyone. It is absolutely wonderful to be able to come here and talk with all of you AND not feel like I'm losing my mind I guess the cry and the vent was what I needed. I woke up today and I feel a lot better. That's kind of how I work, stay positive and all that, I'm the one all my friends call crazy and call when they are down and need a laugh, BUT after a bit of that, I crash. And thank you Sarah for your comments. I can think back to how I was and felt a month ago and even weeks ago, it is much better for me now. I have way more better days now than I did before.
Your post made me feel normal. I so get how everyone around you seems to be pregnant or with a baby. That wasn't bothering me until just before Halloween as well. Lily's c-section was for Oct 25th so I shouldn't have been taking my DS out trick or treating and yet I was. It isn't just the feeling that I lost a daughter it is also that I deprived my DS of his sister. Is that how you feel as well that devastation that your DSS should have had a live sibling.
I am so blessed to have a beautiful DS who means the world to me but it really doesn't lessen the pain much. It just makes grieving more challenging because I try to hide the grief from him as much as possible. I bought a children's book called "We were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead" by Pat Schwiebert. It might be a bit young to share with your 8 yr. old DSS but you might like to read it with him. My DS is only 3 1/2. It is a very simplistic picture book but I think it is great.
I do feel like I let him down as well. The problem here is that DSS doesn't quite understand that the baby is gone. Either that, or he doesn't want to understand. See, he is being tested for speech and language problems, first they thought it was Autism, then Asperger's, and now they say maybe Speech and Language caused by so many ear problems as a baby. He is wonderful and so very smart, just a little different than the boys his age. He is a very young 8 year old and sometimes has problems understanding what is being asked or what he needs to do. He gets a bit emotional sometimes and we're working on ways for him to handle when he feels overwhelmed. Honestly, I'm going to look into the book that you mentioned because he may really enjoy it. He was so excited to be a big brother. We were all a little freaked out because about a month before I found out I was pregnant, he started telling teachers and other people that he was going to be a big brother...a month later, we found out I was 5 weeks. All these people kept asking if I was expecting, and I kept saying no, but yes I was. I only weighed 109 when I got pregnant so it wasn't just that I was a 'big girl' But, he being the way he is, is one of the reasons that we held our hands so far apart to show how long it would be until the baby was here instead of 'this many months' or whatever, and as I said, now he shows me and says it will be just a little longer than we thought. Actually, today he told me a name he wanted added to 'the list'. He really loved helping try to pick out names. I stopped trying to explain that the baby wasn't coming about a month ago. He doesn't mention it often anymore and when he does, it is always a little shocking for me, but I decided to just let him think about it sometimes and not push the issue that the baby is gone. Hopefully someday we will make him a big brother. Thanks to everyone. I don't know what I'd do without you.