Sharing Hope

16 posts / 0 new
Last post
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Sharing Hope

I thought that we could take a few minutes to share things that helped us cope with losing a baby.
What was the kindest thing someone did or said to you after you experienced your loss?

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Great idea Missy!!

People acknowledged my loss, that it was hard for me, but my sweet mother in law recognized that a baby was lost, and in an email said something about how they would miss their sweet grandbaby. That really touched me.

My younger sister was awesome. She came and spent the weekend with our family (brought along her dd) and just sat with me, cried with me, and gave me a make-over. I am forever thankful that she was just there and let me be me, raw and ugly.

SnowJunky's picture
Joined: 01/04/09
Posts: 6

This recent loss again showed my that these things happen-whether we like it or not- and sometimes something positive happens too.

I was reminded in the last two weeks -how my husband remains a guy of amazing strength-he continues to keep the wolves at bay when things are hard and I needed to see that again. I am thankful that I have him to go through this with and no one else

Ali

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank you for sharing your stories. I know poeple always what "what can we do or say". I am hoping we can offer words of comfort to each other.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3218

Thank you for starting this thread Missy. Smile

Like Rachel, my MIL reached out in a way that continues to touch me to this day. Having her share her first hand experience and true understanding/acknowledgment of the whole grief / healing process helped tremendously.

A dear priest was an incredible blessing for me as well. *Please note that the following does mention dealing with choices following a physical loss.

As many here are aware, most states do not recognize a pregnancy loss as a death. Without a death certificate, many parents are then left without options after a loss particularly if they would like to have a burial as the cemeteries (by state laws) require one. After witnessing myself and other parents try to cope with this aspect, we found this priest to join our efforts as an advocate. Today, at least a few cemeteries now offer a special "Angels" section that was set aside specifically for those that have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss. The space and services are offered for free. While I had to settle in the past for a different option for our losses, a friend was able to have this choice following her recent loss. It brought a sense of peace -- not just for their family, but a bit of healing for our own as well. More are considering offering the same. (We're now working with hospitals and doctors to encourage them as well to recognize the needs of their patients experiencing a loss in regards to the baby. Small steps right now but at least they are in the right direction -- forward!)

Finally - one of the BEST gifts that I've had through the years and with my various losses is to have this board and all of you here for support. Even when I do not necessarily have time to post, it offers great comfort reading the posts and knowing that there are all of you that truly DO understand. (((((HUGS))))) Thanks to all of you for continuing to be here and sharing the gift of your journey -- not only with one another but me as well. Know you do make a positive difference... even in sharing your times of pain as well as your hope.

~Missy

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I second Missy, this board and TTCAL has helped me stay afloat. When my loss just randomly hits me really hard, there is only one person that I can call and vent/cry to, and unfortunately she is not always available (work and such)... but I know I can always come here and not feel alone in my emotional struggles. I know that I can have someone here listen and understand me, and it means the world to me, thanks ladies!

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

I have to totally agree with Missy. This board has been an amazing amount of support for me. When i lost jamie, I did talk to my priest. I am not an overly religious person but I had some concerns. Seeing as how she was not baptised before she died and because they had to terminate the pregnancy. My priest told me that she was in fact in heaven and this termination was different(for senstivity to others I will not go into details). Then I had the funeral home. Cory,the funeral director, went to the hospital 3 times to get my baby's remains, did not charge us for any services, worked with the priest to get me a quick service even though the cemetary was closed for the winter, and let me bury my baby on top of my grandfather with my grandmother and sister. At the time, i did not realize how much these people helped me but looking back, i am forever grateful.

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Wow, so many blessings have come throught the loss of Zach. My realization that most poeple are GOOD people who want to help out in any way possible.

I realized that Ob docs , nurses,and neonatal doctors were the most caring physicians I have ever come across. They all literally cried with us and gave us whatever we needed.

Back at home, Marc's unit provided meals every night for two weeks straight. They provided a huge meal for our family of 45 people to eat after the memorial. My brother played the violin and my bil gave a wonderful sermon. The unit put together and paid for the bullitens for the service. They had a cleaning crew come over and clean the house.

The florists gave us such an amazing deal when she heard our story, and UNC didn't charge us for the cremation of Zach's ashe's.

For me, it was talking on the phone to Nyree (whom I met through this site almost 4 years ago) until 3 am in the morning after Zach passed away. She gave me such strenght,hope, and understanding. I love her like a sister and she made that horrible night bearable and I'll love her forever for just being there for me.

There were many people who come up to me with a flower or money gift to the special infant fund set up written in a way that really made my heart soar. "We are donating__ amount of money to the special gift fund in celebration of Zachary Vincent's life!" I really appreciate people celebrating his life as opposed to feeling pity for me.

lioness4's picture
Joined: 04/30/06
Posts: 366

I was told to take how ever long I needed to grieve and I could have more babies...I guess I had that hope to cling to but I still have my issues...

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3218

"matt&sadiesma" wrote:

Wow, so many blessings have come throught the loss of Zach.

(((((HUGS)))))) Thank you for sharing that. I'm so glad that you were able to have the support surrounding you and your family. I esp. love your sharing the focus on "celebrating his life". Smile All too often I think that we can allow that focus to become a bit *foggy* -- kwim? That now is a wonderful memory you have to hold.

"Ma2bluecrew" wrote:

I was told to take how ever long I needed to grieve and I could have more babies...I guess I had that hope to cling to but I still have my issues...

That message (of taking however long you need) is soooo important to hear -- over and over if necessary! We have so many things that we hold onto... all those "what if's" and dreams shattered over what *should have been's". Having someone remind you of that -- and the fact that there really isn't any right or wrong way towards your personal path of healing, was such as blessing. As for the "issues" -- I have to share that my first thought was to nod in agreement and then I realized -- LOL that is just a GREAT example of what we just said! To take the time needed and KNOW that the issues are ok to work through on your pace. Smile

Hang in there hon and remember that you are not alone!

~Missy

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I've been trying to think and dwell more on the positive things I have seen since this post. I have a tendency to remember the terrible things ppl said, and I really should stress the positives, so thanks for this post (again!) missy!

Okay, my good friend brought our family dinner, even though I told her she did not need to, and she watched my kids more than a few times the weeks after.

Another friend that said strange things also brought me dinner. I think she lacks words sometimes, but actions really do speak louder than words (and I need this reminder lol)

A female church leader brought me a book on miscarriage and stillbirth loss from a gospel perpective, it was very sweet.

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

This post is a great idea! I tend to focus on the negative things... and some people definitely said some pretty terrible things to me after my second loss. But some people were also great, and said some great things that really helped me. The best thing someone has done so far, was to acknowledge my expected due date. My last loss was Sept. 23, 2008 and my due date was supposed to be Mar. 1, 2009. I received a very cute e-card from my sister-in-law on March 1st telling me that she was thinking of me on that day and of my baby girl. It was so unexpected since I'm not at all close to my sister-in-law... I was so touched that she remembered the date and went the extra mile to acknowledge it.

This board was also a great resource for me. I felt so alone after my losses... it's unfortunate that so many people experience loss but it's wonderful that we can all band together to help each other whether we're at our lowest point, our happiest, or just somewhere inbetween. I love you all!

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Jamie, how sweet of your sil!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bump:
Bumping!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Through the loss of my daughter Rebecca and pregnancy.org I meant a wonderful woman, Antoinette who also lost a daughter. It has been almost 2 years and although she lives in Canada and I the US the loss of our daughters have given us a bond. I know that if I ever need her, she would be there and I hope she knows that the same is for her. She helped me every step of the way through my loss and the extreme depression/anxiety that followed. Also through my loss my husband and I grew closer together. We now know that there isn't anything we can't face together. He was/is my rock and although we have had an additional 2 miscarriages, we still hold onto hope that one day our turn will come.

An amazing thing that occured with my losses is how strong I have become. I have realized through these losses that I may fall down but I can get back up and eventually move on.

My daughter Rebecca's miscarriage/still birth I like to call it showed me who my real friends and family are. Some couldn't handle it and still do not like to admit my loss. We, anyone who lost a baby, are given an amazing gift...to be able to hold/carry an angel and for that I am grateful.

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

I had 2 people who really were amazing. The first one was my priest. Being a Catholic, I was brought up believing in original sin so i was deeply distraught knowing my baby had died and never was baptized. My priest talked to me for hours assuring me that my baby was in fact in heaven and he asked me how a baby can be born with original sin when they are so innocent? He said that the church has changed their views. This helped me tremendously. The second person was Cory Ross, the undertaker. Even though I was only a few weeks along, he treated as he would any other death and he went to the hospital 3 times before they would release the remains to him. He made a little casket, lined it with satin, made a cross to put the casket on (which hangs in my living room) and did not charge us for any of it. To this day, i am forever grateful to him. He now comes in and buys arrangements from me once a week and he refers his customers to me for funeral pieces. These 2 things from these 2 people were a life saver to me.

Tina