Hi ladies, I'm having a hard time with my grief. I had a ruptured ectopic (my first and only child) almost six months ago and I thought I'd be so much better by now. In many ways I am. I sleep through the night, I'm able to be intimate with my husband (there was a month in which I didn't want him to touch me) and I'm peaceful about TTC or at least letting it happen.
The problem, though, is that I've realized that I'm isolating myself. My main friends were usually through my church group but, at around the same time as the loss, the group started changing and a lot of the older members dropped out...due to having children. I was so excited to be expecting and joining them at their mother's events and now I still don't fit in there. Just two years ago we would have fun girl's night out events and now they're more likely to hang out at some kiddie place (think people walking around in costumes and cheap pizza).
The group now is young singles just out of college and I don't fit in there, either. They're sweet but my bar days are long over.
If that wasn't enough, my closest friend, who I shared my infertility with, is due--a week before I would have been. What should have been the biggest bonding event of our lives is now the biggest divider and I'm the one putting up the wall between us. I'm polite and listen as much as I can bear it but it'll never be the same. I've lost my best friend over this
I looked into grieve groups for miscarriage but there are none within a possible drive. I have so few girlfriends left. My friends from college are so far away and their lives are so different from mine. I love to hear what they're up to but we don't have much in common anymore for sharing.
I feel like I'm stuck, like I can't move on. The grief of the loss and of my ongoing infertility (almost two years including the loss) is just compounding on itself as my due date nears. My husband and I talk about adoption but we can't decide so we don't do anything (although we can't afford it for a long time anyway).
Anyway, I just needed to share where y'all might understand. If you've been there then your stories/advice would be welcome. Otherwise, just please pray for me if you can. Thanks! I needed to get that out. These next several weeks until my due date are going to be so hard.
When it comes to pregnancy, I am a huge planner. My husband is in the Army, so we have to deal with deployments and field training. Our first three losses were all before our first 12 month deployment, he came home in Nov of 06 and we got pregnant in Dec 06. That loss happened in March of 07 (my little boy, Phillip). We talked about surrogacy, adoption, the big v for him... we were so frustrated. It doesn't take a lot to get me pregnant, but carrying is a huge issue for me. Philip's due date passed and I thought I was okay. I separated myself from the few pregnant people I knew, I stayed away from children, I stayed away from big child magnet areas... I continued to cry a lot, even after his due date, my mom told me (like a week before Christmas) that my cousin was expecting.. I threw my phone.
My husband and I decided we would TTC over Thanksgiving (he was in the field and I should have o'd when he was home for 3 days). Well day 3 I started bleeding really bad, first concern was I was miscarrying a child I didn't know I had... well, after a week of tests, they couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was told not to try in December and we decided to try in January. Well, all of December I didn't get my period, my husband convinced me to take a test the day after Christmas... positive. So far so good, but honestly, this is the most unplanned child of my life! We didn't plan the baby, but I must trust that God did.
I still don't think I am completely over losing my son. All of my friends have kids, as almost all military families do, and now my closer friends will have a child turning one when I am due... I should have a 6 month old and I don't and it kills me!
Know that I'll pray for you and I know, in time, you will get through this rough time! There is no book for griefing and everyone is different! I'll pray God puts people in your life that you need and we are always here!
There's no doubt about it -- this grief is really, really tough. It's bad enough that we have lost our little angel baby, along with our excitement, joy, hope and dreams (at least for the time being). But then it all has to come crashing down on us, over and over again, with constant reminders of our loss -- everywhere we look, we see babies and pregnant bellies. There's an expression: "when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail" -- and that's why we are so hyper-aware of families and pregnancies around us, and why they seem to be in greater abundance than before. On top of that, people who haven't experienced pregnancy or infant loss usually (in my experience): (a) can't imagine the grief; (b) don't know what to say; and (c) think that we should just "try again" -- as if a new baby could ever replace the little one we loved so very deeply! So they just don't get it, you know? And this adds to our loneliness and isolation -- we avoid them, and often they (to a certain extent) avoid us.
It's been a while since my last loss (Dec. 2005), but I can relate to everything you said -- I remember it all very well. I'd like to offer you some hope and a rosier picture: it really does get better. We will always love and remember our angels, but you will get to a point of being able to live normally again -- that is, without all the stabbing pain of these reminders "everywhere".
What you're going through is so horribly normal, and it's a royally crappy experience. And I'm so sorry that you've also lost your best friend: I do hope things can be mended there. Just remember that she's hormonal too at this time. Female friendships are often pretty indestructible, so I hope the two of you can mend bridges -- I'd just wait till she's not so hormonal anymore.......anyway...
You mentioned that you feel isolated and without friends right now -- I remember that feeling, too. Please take comfort in knowing that you actually have many loving friends right here on this board -- you may not be able to see us, but we are right here for you. We actually do exist (!!) AND we totally understand. We're not afraid to listen and respond to what's really going on for each other. We can be "real" here (like you have been by bravely starting this thread), we can say it all, we can smash every social taboo!! It's very healing to be here, and I hope you keep on writing in -- because we shift through our grief a little bit more, each time we write in. This board -- far more than anything else I tried over the years of my losses -- has helped me the most (the chance to vent, and the chance to offer support and hope). Why? It's simple -- because I know I'm no longer alone. And you aren't either....really!
We are your friends here, and when we've helped you to help yourself feel better, you'll have more and more friendships in your physical community too.
Please take it easy and write again soon. We care about you.
"Life is 10% of what happens to me,
And 90% of how I react to it"
-- found in a fortune cookie! Brilliant!
oh hun, I am so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling now. I had a missed m/c in jan, and am still struggling so much to come to terms with it. Every day I feel miserable, and just want to sleep. Its awful. It also does not help that my BF had her baby a week after my d & c. We were so looking forward to having babies together, so I totally understand about you and your bf. My sister is also 12 weeks pregnant, and I find this so so hard to deal with. She is due 6 weeks after I would have been. Its a constant reminder, I can barely bring myself to even talk to her about the baby, and everytime I see her bump getting bigger its so hard. I understand what you mean about feeling isolated, I feel it too. I hope that you can come here for support, and know that you are not alone. This is very hard, and long after others have forgotten and think we are over it, we still feel pain. We are here for you.
Our babies were due at almost the same time...so I know exactly how you feel, as their EDD gets closer its harder not to think about them and all the things you should be doing to get ready.
I'm sorry that you're getting farther away from your old friends, but hopefully you'll be able to make some great new ones that understand how you feel about things. We're always here to listen until then though!
Hope you're feeling more positive soon
Always remembering my sweet angels
*Liam & Alana*
Ladies, thanks sooo much. I had really bad insomnia last night and just felt a wreck at work today. I looked forward to getting on preg.org all through work, though, and your kind responses lifted my whole day. You really do understand and I feel a little less like a freak now. I'm actually tearing up writing this so thank you.
When I first suffered the loss I thought that I would be different, that I would move on right away. How crazy that is, and it's somehow good to know, and sad, too, that this will be a part of me years down the road. I never believed that but I do now.
I'm sorry for your loss.
For all my losses, I have friends or family that had kids around the time I should have. My first loss was 4 years ago. My 2 best friends, my cousin and my oldest sister all were pregnant and went on to have healthy babies (thank goodness). It is hard having a constant reminder, but it does get easier in time.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so isolated. I understand the not quite fitting in with everyone else. I feel that way at work all the time. I have a hard time with the coworkers that all had their babies right around the death of my child.
It takes time and all we can do is give it time. Trite, but true. I still have my days that are emotionally crippling. However, nearly eight months later I can go through more than a single day at a time without crying. I actually have happy days.
I talk to Damien every day and I think of him so much more than that.
Please come here and let it out any time that you need to. It is never good to keep things in and this is a safe haven for us all.