I dont come on this board very much anymore as I had my loss back in Jan, but thought I would post today. Im still feeling so miserable and down. Every day I wake up mad and upset. I honestly feel like I have forgotten what its like to smile and feel happy inside. I hate this miserable place that I am in. No-one IRL understands at all. Im just 'moody' to them. I just got my 3rd period since d & c and I hate it so much. My sister who is pg just spends her whole time doing things to try to rub my face in it, I feel so isolated from my family as my mum just wants to talk about my sisters baby etc as she is so excited, and it reminds me that we would also be talking about mine now too. I dont know how to shake this cloud of depression hanging over my head. Nothing makes me excited anymore, few things make me smile. I would spend every day in bed if I could. I have a dd and ds and I need to carry on for their sake, and I do. I hide how I feel to them so well, and they dont have a clue. I try to talk to DH he does not get it at all. I drop kids off at school, come home, have a cry, spend way too much time on these boards, then try to pull myself together and act ok for them. I know that I must be in a bad place as life is not fun anymore, im feel terribly isolated as no-one understands me, and I feel drained all the time from dealing with my emotions. Im pulling away from everyone close to me as I feel resentful that they dont understand me right now. Im so resentful towards my husband as I feel that he takes no time to try to understand what I am going through. All he is interested in is researching his new tv, and how to get the best from it!!! If he put half that amount of effort in trying to get the best from me, im sure I would feel at least a bit better. Its like he is just not interested at all. He has been off this week with a bad back and I have been and bought him a tens machine and all kinds of things to help, I have took him to the doctors to sort his medication out as it was making him sick etc, and got him in to see an osteopath to see if it would help him. I am also doing everything for him. Today it just hit me that he would never do any of this for me, he cant even support me though this horrible time in my life. I have been snappy with him this morning, as it makes me so cross, he still does not get it though, I dont think he ever will. I feel sad that all the people that I used to think would always be there for me, really are not. I have lost faith and respect for the people I love as they have done nothing to really help me though my pain. Im worried i'll never be able to rebuild a relationship with them all again because I will always remember this and I now view them in a different light, im concerned ill struggle to be there for them if they need me in future as they have not been for me. Im usually the first person to help if anyone needs it, I dont think ill be able to do this anymore. Im certain that ill never be able to forgive my sister as she has made this time so unbelievably hard for me (as if it wasnt already) Im not mad thats she pregnant, I am mad that she announced it the day I had my d & c, im mad she chose to use the baby name we had picked out for our baby, im mad that she tries to remind me at every opportunity that she is pregnant and I am not, im mad she never took the time, or made the effort to understand my pain. We are moving in 2 weeks, I have not even made the effort to pack one box yet, or call any utility companies etc to tell them of new address, I just cant be bothered with it. Im mad about everything, but I think most of all I am mad with me, mad that I lost our baby, mad that I am not pregnant again, and mad that I cant fix how I feel. I wish it would all just go away, I want to be normal again. Im afraid I never will be.
Thanks for letting me complain, im sorry its so long. It just really helps to write down all the things I am feeling in one place and get it all out.