Still hard

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harmonybear's picture
Joined: 06/06/07
Posts: 639
Still hard

I think it's only going to get worse before things start to get better. I'm really having a rough time of things today.

My sister emailed me today, because she's home from work sick. Morning sickness. She was talking about all the foods that she can't eat. I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but it has really bothered me. I think up until this point it never really hit me that she's going to have a baby. I mean, I knew she was pregnant, I got that. But for me, pregnancy has never led to a living baby. I never had morning sickness, I never threw up. I had every other symptom in the books, and I felt awful the whole time, but I never threw up. I don't know, somehow that just makes me feel like this is really real for her. And it's making me so sad I don't know what to do. I wanted to tell her to please not talk about that to me, but I don't know how to say it to her tactfully. I certainly can't expect to say anything in a rational manner when I'm weeping.

My best friend finds out tomorrow whether her baby is a boy or a girl. I keep thinking that I will never know whether my babies were boys or girls. I just guess, based on what my gut was at the time.

I keep thinking I should be over this by now, and the truth is that most days I'm perfectly fine. I even fool myself into thinking that I'm done dealing with the horrible grief. But each time I think that, a day or two later something happens to bring everything crashing down on me again.

My first due date is February 10. By then, my sister will be further along in her pregnancy than I ever got in either of mine. I feel guilty for my thoughts, but everything in me keeps screaming that this is wrong, that it wasn't supposed to be this way. I should be ready to go into labor any day now. Or at the very least, I should have picked out a name for my second baby, whose gender I would have found out last month. I should be overjoyed that she's pregnant and that things are going well. I should be sympathetic about her morning sickness, instead of resenting it.

I feel like Hannah, and I know my sister and my friend aren't mean like Penninah, but the effect is the same.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I so know how you feel. Eventhough it has been 2 years since my last mc, I still have problems sometimes, just like you have described. How do you tell, I spent hours trying to think how i should tell and gave it up, being "older" doesnt help either. Like you some of my mc i actually know wether boy or girl, some i only have a gut feeling due to dream and others i will never know.

ANd yes the effect is the same any way. So hugs and fuzzies


HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I think it's totally normal to have all those feelings. I know I have had them. After my 1st mc, my sister, cousin and 2 best friends all found out they were pregnant and went on to have healthy pregnancies...then with my 2nd mc my cousin was due 2 weeks before I was supposed to be so I had to deal with that. For the baby (Zara) that I just lost at birth, I was pregnant at the same time with my sister (she had her baby 3 weeks before I had Zara). It is SO hard to see everyone else seemingly have such an easy time having babies when for us it is the hardest and most stressful thing. All of the things you are feeling I have felt too. When I am feeling down of course I think about all of that, but for the most part I got to the point where it really wasn't the first think I think about when I see them (well not with my sister's baby that is Zara's age but I know I will eventually). With time I think you will get to that point too. I am rambling here and know I don't have anything to really make you feel better other than to tell you I understand exactly the situation you are in.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry that you have to deal with all of this on top of your losses. Is there anyone that you can talk to that would be able to tactfully explain things to your sister? If not, you may have to just say something like, I am sorry that you are feeling so awful but I would give anything to feel that way right now. It is a gentle way to let her know your pain without belittling hers. Just a suggestion. As for your "I should be over this" sweetie. Noone should ever expect you to be over this. Not one of us will ever be over it. We will all get past the utter devastation, but never get over it. We will learn to adapt and live our lives. That is all we can do. I pray you find peace.


Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 161

I have a cousin who is a dear friend. Both of us were dealing with infertility for over a year and both of us got pregnant within days of each other. She is still pregnant and I still can't look at pictures of her with her belly (she lives far from me so we mostly communicate on-line). She is due in May like I was and my loss was months ago but it's still too much. I told her soon after I got back from the hospital that I just couldn't handle it. It was hard because we used to share everything but she understood. I told her to still include me in the updates she sends to everyone but to please make sure to put something about pregnancy in the subject line so I could decide, based on whether or not I'm having a bad day or not, if I wanted to read that email now or later or never.

I have to confess that, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I immediately think to myself, "would I look like that now?" It's torture but I can't help it. I would be entering my third trimester now and showing. I know this will never end--come May I'll see newborns and on throughout what would have been my child's life I'll still think of my lost one. It's torture but it makes it seem more real, too, though. It's a way of remembering instead of thinking the pregnancy was all in my head. Sorry for the OT comment. I just had to get that out.

StephanieJune's picture
Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

I have a co-worker who is about 6 months pregnant. We work on campus as Student Callers for the ongoing phon-a-thon fundraiser. We sit next to each other and as I listen to the phone ring, I can't help but stare at her belly and wonder if I would have looked like her when I was 6 months pregnant. I lost my baby when I was still in my first trimester, so I will never know whether it was a boy or a girl. I never even got to see it's heartbeat, because by the time I went to my first ultrasound, my baby had already left me. My co-worker is having a healthy baby boy, and she has already chosen his name. I see pregnant women on campus, and at the grocery store, and everywhere I go. My boyfriend Chris and I went to John's Incredible Pizza on Saturday, and there were pregnant women, and babies, and children everywhere. It makes me want to just stay at home and hide in my room for the rest of my life.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

I am so sorry that it has been difficult. Due dates are terrible. You want nothing more than to be holding your baby and yet you can't. Perhaps it will be easiest to email your sister and let her know that you are finding it difficult to hear about her symptoms. YOu might let her know that you are overjoyed for her but if it is all the same lease don't share with you unless you ask.

The 10th was hard for me this month too. It was the 6 month anniversary of my angel.


Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1:Born sleeping August 10, 2007