I think it's only going to get worse before things start to get better. I'm really having a rough time of things today.
My sister emailed me today, because she's home from work sick. Morning sickness. She was talking about all the foods that she can't eat. I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but it has really bothered me. I think up until this point it never really hit me that she's going to have a baby. I mean, I knew she was pregnant, I got that. But for me, pregnancy has never led to a living baby. I never had morning sickness, I never threw up. I had every other symptom in the books, and I felt awful the whole time, but I never threw up. I don't know, somehow that just makes me feel like this is really real for her. And it's making me so sad I don't know what to do. I wanted to tell her to please not talk about that to me, but I don't know how to say it to her tactfully. I certainly can't expect to say anything in a rational manner when I'm weeping.
My best friend finds out tomorrow whether her baby is a boy or a girl. I keep thinking that I will never know whether my babies were boys or girls. I just guess, based on what my gut was at the time.
I keep thinking I should be over this by now, and the truth is that most days I'm perfectly fine. I even fool myself into thinking that I'm done dealing with the horrible grief. But each time I think that, a day or two later something happens to bring everything crashing down on me again.
My first due date is February 10. By then, my sister will be further along in her pregnancy than I ever got in either of mine. I feel guilty for my thoughts, but everything in me keeps screaming that this is wrong, that it wasn't supposed to be this way. I should be ready to go into labor any day now. Or at the very least, I should have picked out a name for my second baby, whose gender I would have found out last month. I should be overjoyed that she's pregnant and that things are going well. I should be sympathetic about her morning sickness, instead of resenting it.
I feel like Hannah, and I know my sister and my friend aren't mean like Penninah, but the effect is the same.