Stillbirth Support Please

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Stillbirth Support Please

The g/f of a coworker just lost their baby at 38 weeks. I offered a number of resources (such as this website) and my support. But since all of my angels were lost early (by m/c's), there was nothing more that I felt I could give. I know "loss is loss" but I found myself truly struggling to "identify" with their pain.

Please help me understand what I can do, and what I can say, that might be of help.

Oh this is so awful. They were so looking forward to their baby, and the little one was their first. My heart aches for this young couple.

Thank you for your help.

Hugs,
Nicole

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs to your coworked Nicole, I can only imagine how horrible they must feel right now. Sad I have no suggestions, maybe the SHARE website?

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

feel free to have her contact me at any time if she wants to. I am so very sorry for their loss.

a lot of the things to do/say are quite similar to any loss. the platitudes do nothing but p**s you off. who cares if the child is in a better place? who gives a crap if this is god's will? you can say I am sorry and just let her know that you are there for her whenever she may need it.

What has helped me the most is the people that remember later. Everyone is all supportive and comforting for the first month or so. After that they go on with their lives. It is only natural. It meant the world to me that there were people that remembered Damien's passing at six months and especially at the one year mark.

I am so very sorry that another family has to experience this devastating tragedy. again, I am here for whatever I may be able to help with.

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

I agree with the PP... saying things like "Everything happens for a reason" and "God wanted the baby at his side" just made me angrier. For me, people that just said "I'm sorry" and asked me what they could do to help was enough. Some people tried to cheer me up before I was ready.

I think as some time passes, maybe near Christmas time (if they celebrate it) you could send them a card with mention of the baby's name or a special ornament or something. I like it when people mention my baby's name... rather than just saying "the pregnancy" or "the baby."

I hope they get the help they need.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for her loss. She will have a lot of support and them people trickle away as things "get back to normal". I would make sure you still remember her and her baby in a few weeks. Maybe something to put on her tree. I had a friend give me a clear glass Christmas buld with some glitter and a "angels" feather inside with a nice poem.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank you everyone. And no, don't worry about the platitudes -- I know (first hand) how all those trite expressions can piss us off!

No I just wanted to know what words might be comforting, that's all. So thank you for your lovely suggestions and support. Yes, I will get them a little something for Christmas. And I'll remember their baby next November too.

Yes, it bugs me that people don't mention our angel-babies, too. Alex, Sam, Max and Kim reside in my loving memory and heart -- I don't get it why they don't seem to in other people's memories and hearts. How can anyone forget the experience of waiting for them with such joyful anticipation, and then saying good-bye to them so horribly soon after? Sigh. I guess we all grieve differently.

Thanks, Shelly. I will invite them to PM you. Much appreciated.

Love to all,
Nicole

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

What meant a lot to me was when our friend sent us flowers on Joseph's due date. It recognized that something special was suppose to happen on that date, and it didn't/couldn't.

But for us, plants as a gift were bad. We have this plant that we got when Joseph passed and it's a struggle to keep it alive. We're not plant people and now we stress out about having this plant die.

Talking about the baby helped for us. Calling our most recent child our #2 son is not okay. He's #3 for those whose counting.

If this is their first, recognizing that they are still a mom when they have no living children.

Saying "I can't imagine how you feel" instead of saying "I know how you feel", because as you recongized, you don't.

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