Stuck and can't move

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healinghandz1's picture
Last seen: Never ago
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 32
Stuck and can't move

Tuesday I m/c at 12wks. I was in the hospital for a day do to hemorrhaging. It was a bloody nightmare. I was put in the O.B., an incubator and crib were in my room. I've been home for two days and I can't seem to move. I haven't even taken a shower. I still have dried blood behind my knees and between my toes. My DH is tore up about the baby but doesn't have time to grieve because he's taking care of me. I sent my mother out to get cigarettes. A habit I gave some time ago. I'm now smoking 2 pks a day.

This was my first pregnancy. I was told I was infertile, and thought at the age of 33 and DH at 41, we was given a miracle. I have two beautiful step-children and 5 month old granddaughter. I use to think that was enough, and was very happy.

How long does it take to be happy again?

rubber_da_glove's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 12/31/07
Posts: 1527

There is no time on feeling happy again. You just need to grieve

I'm sorry you had this loss but we all know the emotional pain your feeling


vbear's picture
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Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 83

I am so sorry for your loss.Everyone greives differently,you just need to let yourself feel the emotions you are feeling,it is part of healing.

lanlaiely's picture
Last seen: 5 years 8 months ago
Joined: 10/03/07
Posts: 26

After TTC for 5 months, we finally got PG only to MC at 8 weeks. For me, it felt like God was playing a practical joke on me. I was angry at him for a long time. Until I had a talk with him one night and I felt him touch me. That helped me.

One other thing about my MC that my doctor told me is that it proved that I'm able to get pregnant. He said that even though I didn't agree with him, it was a GOOD thing that I got pregnant, but that means that it's possible. Many people aren't able to get that far.

Unfortunately, everyone must grieve in their own way. There's no easy answer as to how to stop hurting. Everyone deals with pain in their own way. However, we are all here for you, to help you talk out your anger. It does help to get out what you're feeling. Especially to people who have been there and knows what you're going through.


Last seen: 5 years 3 months ago
Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

I am so sorry for your loss. You will always grieve the loss of your little one but time just makes that raw ache get better. Getting up and into the shower may help you feel a bit better but unfortunately you are still so new to your loss.

I read every book I could on infant loss. I went to support groups (contact the hospital or local funeral home to find out about ones in your area) and I lived on boards like this one.

It has been over 7 months since I delivered my little girl. I miss her like crazy and these holiday weekends make it worse. But I can get up everyday and and get showered and dressed and get back to "normal". Your DH will grieve differently then you. Right now you need him to be strong so that is the role he is taking on. There may come a day when your roles reverse and you will be the strong one or your DH may just take the "boys don't cry" and sweep it under the rug.

I hope you are eventually able to give up smoking again but it is going to be difficult. For me it is a battle of weight. I just can't seem to lose it and then I get frustrated and feed my emotions with more junk. Some of us tend to go for whatever brings us comfort - even if it is not healthy.:comfort:

Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

Last seen: 7 years 11 months ago
Joined: 04/21/06
Posts: 96

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl a week ago today and I am still a mess. I am feeling better than I was but at times it is very hard. I also gave up smoking over a year ago and I have found myself sneaking one here and there. I wish I could say the pain will go away but so far for me it is still here. This is my first loss so I really am not much help at all, the other girls on here are great. I am so so sorry, if you want to chat feel free to PM me. :bighug: Tori

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Honey, you do need to get up and take care of yourself. You will feel better after a warm shower.

shellyhudson's picture
Last seen: 6 years 6 months ago
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

There is no timetable as each person will grieve and heal differently.

I am so sorry that the two of you went through such a devastating loss. Please let your DH know that he is in my thougts and prayers as well.

Please just allow yourself to experience any and all emotions that come your way. There will come a time where you actually make it through a day without crying. That is okay and try not to feel guilty about it.

Eventually you will reach a place where you have adapted. There will be a new "normal". I wish you both peace.


StephanieJune's picture
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Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

:bigarmhug: I am sorry that you have been going through so much emotional and physical pain. I think that it would help if you took a warm shower, even if you cry the whole time. I think that it feels good to cry in the shower. Everyone grieves in different ways for different lengths of time. Your DH is probably just as sad as you are, but doesn't want to show it because he wants to be strong for you. Eventually as time passes the raw pain will fade to a dull ache. Know that you can always come here for support. Have you considered doing something in honor of your baby, such as planting a tree or something? Many women on this board have said that making a memorial for their babies helps them through the grieving process. I think that it would be nice to have a place to go and sit quietly and think about your baby.

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
PG MENT and CHILD MENT...but there is a point to it

Hello sweetie. First of all let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I just wanted to share my story in the hope that it might help you just a little bit. I had been TTC for 8 years when I got pregnant, on my honeymoon no less. We were absolutely thrilled, this was a miracle as we had been taking fertility drugs in the past with no luck. So it was devastating when we found out at 8 weeks I´d had a hidden miscarriage. The baby was still there but no heartbeat.

I was given tablets to take at home, which caused agony for 3 days but didn´t work. Then I was taken to hospital for a D and C. Me and my husband were living in Ireland (his home country, I´m from Iceland) at the time, so going to a hospital for surgery in another country without any of my family except him was horrible. When I woke up from surgery I was put in a room with another girl, another 7 months pregnant girl ! That was on a monitor, so all I could hear was her babies heartbeat. I was then sent home, still in pain, which just increased so that two days later I went to the ER, turned out I had developed an infection and had to have another emergency D and C. This time I got a bed in the pre-natal ward. 8 women, all pregnant, were in the room with me. At this point I just became numb. Later I got furious. I´m just mentioning this because I can so relate to how hard it must have been to see that incubator.

But to the point of my story. I was just a ball of anger and bitterness after this. I just thought it cruel enough for god to take away my miracle baby, but why make me go through all the physical and emotional trauma AFTER he´d taken it away. Losing the baby was enough, what followed just felt like torture. I felt like fate was just kicking me while I was down.

Well this made mine and my husbands mind up. We decided to move to my home country Iceland. We had been thinking about it, but he was dragging his feet a bit. But like I said to him, there is no way on earth I am staying here where the health care system puts a woman that has just had a miscarriage in a room full of pregnant women ! So a a little less than a year later we moved to Iceland. Within a month of the move, I was pregnant again. Completely by surprise again as my body had almost shut down after the miscarriage and I was missing months of my period.

I believe, truly in my heart I believe in fate. That there is a reason and meaning behind the things we are put through. If I hadn´t lost the baby and if I hadn´t lost it in the way that I did, with all the pain and suffering I had to go through, I don´t think my husband would have made this decision with me to move. He understood I had to go home, that I needed my family. I´m not sure he would have had this not happened. And me getting pregnant within a month of us having made the move almost seemed like it was meant to be. My babies were meant to be born in my home country (yes babies, naturally conceived twins).

I know this is a horrible , horrible time. I know it feels like the pain will never go away. But it will ease, and hopefully you will find a meaning in what happened, a higher purpose to why you had to go through this. And I hope and pray that you will have another miracle soon.

I´m sending you warm thoughts and strength and my deepest sympathies.

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. I'm glad your DH is able to take care of you.
It's been 6-7 weeks since my last loss (I've had 2 m/c's this year) and just this week I really felt like I was turning the corner. I can now think about other things, and my good days far outnumber my bad ones. I'm even looking forward to TTC again soon rather than being worried sick.
I think what has really helped me improve is sleep medication. I was having horrible insomnia and waited about a month before I talked to my doctor about it. I wish I had said something sooner, because just getting a good nights sleep has made a huge difference in my ability to cope with all the emotions.
Everyone goes through grief differently, but it will get better - I promise.

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
A Tool for Happiness

I am so sorry for your loss, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. I hope you're feeling a little better today. I agree with the women who have written above, and haven't anything to add to their excellent points.

What I've learned about HAPPINESS...

It's an "inside job". Your reaction is normal for what you've gone through -- we all know how horrific it is. Picking up cigarettes again and not showering -- these are signs of depression, and (honestly) who wouldn't be depressed after losing a baby? If you weren't depressed, now THAT wouldn't be normal!!

But when we're depressed, we often do things we shouldn't do, and also avoid doing things that are good for us (This is my natural reaction, too). But what I have learned is that I actually make my depression WORSE when I don't take care of myself -- Silly me! On the other hand, when I try (really hard) to do nice things for myself (when I'm depressed) I actually set the ball rolling in the other direction. Years ago, I heard the following which I have lived by ever since -- and I always manage to crawl out of the emotional quicksand:

"Whatever you want to do, don't do.
And whatever you don't want to do, do.
And you'll be fine."

So I might want to pick up cigarettes again, but I remind myself of this saying and I don't.
I might want to stay in bed all day, hiding from the world. But I remember these words, and get myself out of bed.
I might not want to wash the dirty dishes, but I do.

This is so simple to remember and it REALLY helps. Please try it.

Because you see, when I make it through the day without having picked up cigarettes again, I feel better about me. When I get out of bed, and get a few things done as a result, I feel better about me. When the kitchen looks presentable again because I did the dishes, I feel better about me. Happiness comes from within.

Of course, this all being said, it took me a long time to stop crying and raging over losing my first angel baby (and my subsequent angel babies), and it sure took me a long time to feel happy again. That's all part of the grieving process, I'm afraid. It's natural and necessary --people make themselves sick if they don't allow themselves to feel these powerful emotions and grieve. So please let yourself feel them, and keep writing here about it all. That's how you get it out of your system. We're here because we care, and because we know that being here helps. You can be yourself here -- you don't have to put on a brave 'mask' here. We understand. Keep writing in, and you will also get happier sooner. True!

But in the meantime, I hope you can stop making it all worse for yourself (and prolonging your unhappiness) by doing unhealthy things, or by avoiding doing healthy things. The sooner you can act on the positives, the sooner you can be happy again. You will, you'll see. Please take care.

Lots of love,