Taking a moment to see how you all are (venters allowed)
I thought I would take a moment to ask all of you how you are doing, honestly. For some of you I hope that you are finding a little more peace as the time goes by. Where are you in this journey... honestly?
My first baby (13 weeks) who grew wings in March was due just the other day. My 2nd baby (6 weeks) grew wings in June. I am feeling a little better now that the due date has passed. I don't feel my stomach any more in the morning like I used to wishing I were pregnant. Seeing the babies crib in the box only bothers me half of the time now. The odd time the site of a pregnant woman, a comment or a commercial on tv sets me back a bit in my grief but I think I am starting to move forward... yet I feel so guilty that I am.
It' s been 3 months since my last loss and we have decided to ttc again...I dribble onto the TTC after Loss board but the support I really need comes from this board. I also stay here in hopes to comfort those with a new loss as others comforted me. With ttcing the temping, charting and such is a little much a times, but I have a strong desire not only to have a baby but to know about my body and my cycles as much as I can. Charting gives me something to do that makes me feel I am doing something when I can do so little. I am scared at the thought of another pregnancy and scared to put myself out there again to possibly go through this again.... but I am beginning to look forward to it and feel its the right time for me.
I still cry at times, but the tears are slowing. Some days I only see rain but the sunny days are more frequent now. I hope this is a step to healing for me. I also hope you all are beginning to heal. For those of you with a new loss, the healing and what I say may seem non-existant, rightly so. You have experienced a loss like no other. But I hope that someday soon you will be able to see the sun again.
I'm so glad you've decided to TTC again hun. I know how terrifying it is, but i completely understand why you want to chart etc. too. It feels like taking control again in a way.
Me? I am okay. I dont cry so much now unless it's late and i can't sleep. Mainly i just feel sad inside. You know how it feels kind of in your chest, all heavy and dark and just... sad. Sad sad sad.
Seeing babies and pregnant women makes me upset and i cried in the middle of Next (it's a clothing store). I was walking through the baby clothing section and there were at least 4 happy preggos or women with pushchairs and i cried.
When i see pregnant women and women with babies i compare myself to them. What makes them able to keep their babies and not me?
Every time i see something that reminds me about what i'm missing i feel down and i do a big sigh. I don't remember feeling this sad last time. Not so deeply sad and hopeless. Last time i was ready to move on and i kinda still had hope for the future. This time i dont. At all. Unless i made myself forget...
I'm scared that we will never have a family and we will grow old alone and unfulfilled. I'm terrified that someone else we care about will die and i will be made to feel even worse than i do now.
I'm thinking it's probably better to never have children and then we wont ever have to go through this again whether it be another pregnancy loss, or SIDs or a road accident, snatching, fire, abduction, disease, molestation. If we dont try again we wont have to always think that something bad is going to happen to our children because we wont have any.
GREAT BIG HUGS to both of you! I am so sorry that your missing your babies.. I miss mine too. More than I could ever say or even think. It's like a raw ache that eats away at me. I hate seeing pregnant people and babies. I get so jealous, and I'll admit I have a huge chip on my shoulder because I'll be honest...A lot of the people I see don't deserve those little babies. I did everything RIGHT! I wanted a child to love and spoil and teach everything too. They don't seem to give a hoot. Leaving their children in their buggies while they go out drinking or drugging. IT'S BULL! I wonder what I did to deserve something so awful as losing my baby. But girls we know in our heart of hearts we did nothing to deserve this. We are just looking for an explanation because if we can explain then we can understand it and prevent it from happening again. At least that's what I think. It bothers me that I think I did something so awful I deserved to lose my child. But really WE are the special ones. The ones chosen to be mommies to angels. THAT is something to be proud of!! On another note we are doing a fundraiser at our Fall Festival to help pay some of our medical bills. Then on Sunday the hospital where baby Dustin died is holding a candle lighting ceremony for him and the other babies that died. I am looking forward to it but I know it will be really hard. They will show his picture in a slideshow presentation and light a candle. That is so sweet of them to think of our angel babies. Sarah I know that ache all too well I cry when I think no one is looking, nights are so hard.... There are no words I can say to you because we both know the feelings of sadness and hurt and anger. All those feelings jumbled together at one time is so overwhelming! But please know that I think of you and your husband and Zane and Ada all the time and I pray for your family. We will see our angels soon! They are watching over us right now and they are proud to have you girls as their Mommies!! HUGS!!!!!<3
Last edited by AngelBaby511; 10-03-2007 at 12:28 PM.
Reason: A bunch of random thoughts thrown together
As for me I think I make progress then something hits me and it throws me 2 steps back. I cry because I feel guilty for not being able to move on with my life. I have been off of work for 4 weeks because I have anxiety and depression that hits me hard.
I miss my daughter, but seeing babies or other pregnant women do not bother me as much. I wish I did not have the anxiety but I am learning how to cope with that and my loss.
For those of you that are TTC again, I pray for you and for a healthy baby. I personally am not ready yet and I am not sure if I really ever will be. We went through a lot to get pregnant the first time with IVF and all the hormone drugs. I am not sure I am willing to go through all of that again. Plus my thought of happily ever after has been shaken so severely. I m/c in June and I am still not on steady ground.
I want to say sorry for all the ladies here who have lost their child...hugs to you all....
AS FAR AS ME GOES....WELL
Im taking things day by day.Its the only way I can cope in my life.Somedays I wake up and feel kind of ok.I dont really think about my baby as often.And other days im just so sad and I just basically walk around like a zombie,numb without any emotion.I hide it very well from my DH and my family. Its just easier that way from me instead of hearing words like..." dont cry" or "your child is in a better place" or "the lord has a purpose for everything" its nice my friends and family are so caring but somedays I just want to scream at the top of my lungs..."I MISS MY BABY" ..I know my baby was only 11wks when he grew wings(I say he cause since I found out I was expecting I felt in my heart it was a boy).But it still hurts so much.I havent been around newborns yet I put a front like it wont bother me but I feel as though I might not be able to contain my tears.I have seen some pregnant woman and that knot forms in my throat but of course I fight it back as hard as I can....On november im spending thanksgiving with my in-laws which there will be a newborn since my BIL and his girlfriend will be having there daughter then...I dont know how I will handle it cause I know its gonna be hard on me and DH but I also have to be strong since we already made those plans a long time ago and MIL is really looking forward to see us...Its hard to think of what could have been...I went to get the mail the other day and of course there were two baby magazines I ordered online about a month ago and of course I got them now...There sitting in the table...I opened one and decided how hard coud it be to just read it...I got as far as ripping the plastic and thats it...Its like a scar it can probably heal but always will remain inside you....I guess im just rambling...thanks soo much for reading...
I've been there with the "big sigh" and I think about the "what can happens" to. It seems no matter what journey we are on after a loss there there is constant worry imbeded in us. I can understand wanting some relief from that. I believe that the love you and Scott have as well as your love for life and compassion for others (as you have seemed to show here) will help to fulfill your life. You will never fill the places in your heart for Zane and Ada. I hope that someday you will hold them again in heaven. ((HUGS)) to you. I am so sorry you had to ever go through this.
You are right. You don't deserve this and you did nothing to deserve this except unexceptionally love with all your heart. I am glad you will all remember Dustin at the service. It will be a sad day but I hope in the end it will give you the peace you are already on the right track to finding. ((HUGS)) to you. I am sorry your story ended this way.
The most important thing is to take care of you. So many of us rush into ttc. But I admire the strength you show in just knowing you aren't ready... that takes a lot of courage to realize sometimes. I hope that soon the anxiety will lift and you will be able to find a place of peace in your heart with your angel. I hope you will talk often about it. Opening up and telling how I truly feel helped me so much with the anxiety. My wish for you is only good times ahead.
The only better place for your baby to be is here in your arms but only people like us can understand that. Those who have never had a loss are stuck for what to say to us and sometimes they would be better just stopping at "I'm sorry". I am sorry thanksgiving will be such a trying time.I hope that you are able to get some comfort from your family and that the day is easy on you. Take some time that night to pamper yourself a little if you can. I am very sorry you have to go through this, but know you're not alone in how you feel.
For everyone that shared so far thanks for talking honestly about how you feel. Too often we cover it up just to help someone else or be strong for someone. Seeing your posts validates my feelings and lets me know it's okay to feel all these things.
As for me, I am doing better, my baby would have been 1 soon, and that hurts, but I am keeping myself occupied. DH is in another state and I will be moving soon, so lots of packing going on here. It's hard not having my rock around. I am ready to start TTC again, we have been on a forced break because we are 700 miles apart. I did get to see him this weekend and I posted pics on the photograpy board if anyone is interested. There were butterflies everywhere so I thought of my angel a lot this weekend. Even got a great pic of 3 butterflies, I never thought much of them until my loss, but now everytime I see one I think of my baby. It's a beautiful place and I am very excited about moving.
My m/c was an early one and all I can say is that it does get easier, you will never "get over it", but I don't think I ever want to. I always want a little pain because then I know my angel is in my heart. I know that sounds a little odd, but if I didn't have that pain, I feel that I may forget. IYKWIM. The TTC journey has been long and hard, but I hope that it will all be worth it in the end. I know we will be parents one way or another, whether it be biological or adoption. I will have another child one day.
I want everyone to know that it does get easier, but you will always have your angels with you, forever. We are forever changed in that aspect. Yes we would rather have our children here with us, thats a certain, but for me, I loved my angel and could not imagine not experiencing the 9 weeks of pregnancy. 9 weeks has changed my life forever, and I would go through the heartache and greif again in a heartbeat just to experience what "mother's love" feels like. You will smile again, and you will be happy again.
I pray for all the ladies here daily, that you will know peace soon.
Much Love to All
I am Chris.
I have lost 5. 4 of those were m/c's and I am not saying I don't think of those losses but losing Rocco at 30 weeks, he lived for 6 days, supercedes all of the other losses.
It has been 2 years since he birth/death. I do cry from time to time. I think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be at this grieving stage forever.
We have been TTC since about 4 months after his birth/death on and off and we have not had any luck. We are doing one last ditch effort and we will be doing one round of IVF in January.
Since we are still TTC when I see pregnant women or babies I clam up quickly. I avoid the pregnant women at most costs. It's just too hard for the most part. I love seeing babies but random babies that I don't know. It especially hurts though to see newborns and I say this is because I didn't get to hold Rocco but only for a minute just before he passed. I missed that newborn stage.
We will have another baby. We are in the process of trying to adopt in Japan. If that doesn't happen we will go to another country next year.
Take care all of you and big hugs!
I think I am starting to move forward... yet I feel so guilty that I am.
That really sums it up for me. I am honestly doing much better. I have had some amazing moments where I believe that Damien has communicated with me and that has made all of the difference in the world. I am still taken aback quite often by pregnant strangers and unknown babies but I take joy in the new babies of the people I know. It is a true bittersweet pain. I hurt, but my heart is joyful at the same time.
Just the other day my daughter looked at me and told me that Damien loves all of his families. (that is what she calls DH, MIL, and me....families). She is only four. Her innocence allows her to commune with her brother so freely. I am so very thankful for that.
I still hurt deeply but I am going forward. I am at the anger stage right now. However, I think that part of my healing process is that I am in a position to warn other pregnant women about the "doctors" I dealt with. The lawsuit is going forward and I am focusing on the impact that this could end up having. I have to focus on the good that can come out of this tragedy rather than let the tragedy consume me forever. I am going off on a tangent and apologize. I just wanted to say that I am healing. I will never be whole, but I am healing.
shelly, I am so glad that you are healing. You have been through so much, and for that I am sorry. I am glad that you can sense Damien's presence. It must feel good to know that he a part of him is still around. As far as the law suit, I hope the doctors pay for what they put you and your family through. Good luck and stay strong. Remember we are all here for you.